Rough Week

I'll just say that I spent all week trying to make art and it felt like I was forcing myself to climb up a cliff using only my teeth.

Marathon-y

My big plans for today were to go downtown and get myself a new fleece from the Patagonia store and to get new pants to wear to work. I've been running enough that my old pants are all too big. Or else their seats are worn out and you can see light through them when you try to put them on. Classy.

HOWEVER, the Red Sox won the World Series (Go Sox!) and today is the big parade. All over town.

I'm keeping track of public transportation via Twitter and things are a mess. It actually sounds worse than the usual marathon crowd. They're closing T stations (and re-opening them) to control crowds. I'm feeling a bit thwarted. I wanted to get an early start and I was foiled. Oh well.

With uncanny luck, I'm supposed to meet Lisa downtown, just like we tend to do on Patriots Day. We're meeting at 1:00 so hopefully things will have wound down by then. Come to think of it, maybe I should leave now so I'm sure to be there on time.

The weather is fantastic for this kind of thing though. Sixty-ish degrees and sunny, not too windy. A lot of people I know are down by the parade route soaking in the jubilation. I'm not feeling jubilant I'm afraid.

Actually, this morning I checked in with my friend - I don't know what to call it! Our friend whose husband (who is also our friend) is dying. What do you call that? Dying Friend Family? Pool of Pain and Misery? Ouchland? @#$%$&*-ville? (And of course it's not all bad - there are levels of beauty and grace and love to it too but it still HURTS LIKE @$^#%*& and is really, really hard - I mean I don't want to oversimplify) She asked me what I was doing today and everything I could think of to say felt so stupid and trivial and like I should just go over there and take her kid out to play.

So I don't know. I guess I'll just go outside and see where the day takes me. I can get a fleece tomorrow if I need to. I could just order one online if it comes to that. Sigh.

Good luck to you today, however your day goes.

I'm At It Again

I can blog from the subway with this thing (phone)! While I'm commuting to work! So exciting - because I've got bees in my bonnet.

Do you ever feel like you're living in a ghost world? Everything around you has already changed irrevocably but it's still there. Nothing looks outwardly different but everything you live with, everything you're walking around is hollow or just a shadow. It's only a matter of time before all of it disappears.

If I had time to meditate today it would probably be one of those sessions where I'd just cry for half an hour. It's not that everything is so terrible - some things are great (like my meatloaf) Life is just so damned confusing.

Hearts kind of suck. They make you love stuff. People, creatures, situations, even objects. You have no control. You want things that are bad for you - AND good for you AT THE SAME TIME. How can you tell which? It doesn't matter which  because you can't have them anyway. Or you can and then it's a big mess. You love, then you lose! Then your stupid heart stops working altogether and you die! Who invented this crazy system? Absurd!

So many things going on all the time. Love, loss, joy, heartbreak, beauty, horror, ALL AT ONCE!

It's enough to make a gal just want to sit on the sofa, knit, and watch alternating episodes of "Miss Marple" and "The X-Files" while eating bon-bons and drinking single malt scotch for a month. 

Thank heaven I have this chocolate bar at my desk. 

That might calm me down. It's a known fact that chocolate causes a chemical reaction in the human brain that creates a direct connection to the stable "Astral Chocolate Plane" of The Universe. Known. Fact. 

Gotta go do stuff now. Chase papers around, find numbers 'n' stuff.

Miss Brilliant Ruins Halloween For Everybody

Miss Brilliant (me) loves Halloween. Miss Brilliant thought it would be a great idea to have a Halloween party. Miss Brilliant ran this great idea past Mr. Brilliant (Pete, of course) so now we're having a Halloween party! All in the spirit (get it, spirit! HAW!) of trying to have some fun in the midst of difficult times.

Miss Brilliant neglected to take into account how exhausted and sad and frazzled and pressed for time she already felt and has heaped up some more big tasks onto her plate! Go Miss Brilliant! Mr. Brilliant agrees that he's in the same leaky ghost ship.

I don't want this party to be lame and suck. I want to have theme food and black vodka martinis and bloody poison punch and ghost cupcakes and whatever other horrific Halloween snacks a person can make for a good Halloween party. I want decorations! Spooky lanterns! 'N' stuff.

'N' stuff. Pretty good imagination there, huh? Must work on that.

Okay, my costume's almost all set. I'm pretty pleased with how that came out. No worries there.

I don't know how I'm going to prepare good, spooky Halloween food for a party on a Wednesday night. Planning, I guess. Lots of make ahead. Maybe I can get some people to show up a little early and help with the decorations? Maybe I won't count on that.

Mr. Brilliant and I will need to discuss some things...

'Tis the Season?

I don't know why I'm posting so much all of a sudden. Maybe it's the season? NaBloPoMo (which I don't think I'll be doing this year) is just around the corner. Maybe I'm in the mood? I don't know, usually I like to be in a better frame of mind than I've been in lately when I post. Guess I'm just feeling it. And Facebook has been boring the crap out of me.

Time has been very tight for the last month or so. Yesterday on the plane I had some time to look at my calendar. I was trying to figure out how my schedule had gotten so out of whack. Why had the last few weeks seemed so unmanageable and exhausting? What did I need to change to feel less stressed and overwhelmed?

It turns out that my schedule is fine, I just need people to stop dying.

I know that's never going to happen. Death is not done yet. At the moment Death is just hanging around having a cigarette or two before it finishes one pending job that I'm aware of. Who knows what else it has up its tattered sleeve?

I really hope it gives us a breather after that. I mean, I'm not going to go into other peoples' health/death issues but it's been pretty grim and deathy around here lately. 

I know it doesn't always have to be like that because we had quite a long period there when no one we knew had a life threatening illness and everyone stayed above ground or out of the crematory. 

I don't know, maybe it's better to be constantly acutely aware that the people you love won't be around forever. I know I see my friends with new eyes and interact with them differently now. They probably all wonder what my problem is and why I'm being so damned sociable all of a sudden. Can't I leave them alone? They've got shit to do! Okay, it's not really that bad. I am an introvert after all. I can only really take so much socializing.

But my friends are definitely getting a more intense Mel experience these days. Most of them have no idea where it's coming from. I'm just really aware of how much I value my loved ones now. I'm also more aware of who my loved ones are. It's pretty intense for me too. I'm glad they're not in the same headspace as me. It's uncomfortable. I don't wish that on others.

That said, I am really enjoying the massive boost of gratitude I have for the beauty in my life and for all the people I love. So it's not all bad. Uncomfortable but beautiful. 

It's not like Life and Death take requests. Ultimately my schedule is out of my hands and I just have to do the best I can with the cards I'm dealt. Make lemonade and all that crap. 

All of this love and concern are worth the confusion and running around. How effective in life does someone like me really need to be? I'm not solving world hunger or curing cancer. I'm just this thing. I can have a screwy schedule.

It Has Been a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG Time

I am in a really great mood today and it has been a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time since that's been the case. Long time.

I think it might be the weather. It was forty-five degrees in Cambridge yesterday morning and forty-five again this morning in Vermont. I, myself, am absolutely shocked by the improvement this makes in my mood.

I know I hate summer. I've never liked it, now I hate it. I know this. I just didn't realize how demoralizing it is to me. Joie de vivre completely eludes me in the summer. Without my being aware of it, day to day life becomes about endurance.

That sounds so dramatic. It doesn't feel dramatic when I live it, it just feels like ordinary life. Until it stops and I feel like a bird released from underneath a black plastic tarp. Glory! The sky! The air! I can soar again!

How often do you go through your day wondering "why am I like this?" I do it all the time. (Not just about summer.)

I am very excited about today. I'm going to do laundry and make stuff in my studio. Then I might garden and I might dye my hair. No doubt I will wash the kitchen sink. Maybe later I'll drink some blackberry moonshine and have a fire in the fire pit. These are not exciting things and yet I am so excited.

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Rumbling

 I had a very helpful dream just before I woke up.

I was trying to catch a train. I was about to get on one of the cars when this dumbass dude tried to hijack the train with me as his number one hostage.

He came up with a gun and was giving me ultimatums. "You can either come with me now and blah blah blah or you can..."

I wasn't listening to him. I was looking at his posture and his gun and thinking, "I can take this guy."

I grabbed his gun and got it away from him. Everyone on the train platform was staring at us. I yelled, "hey, can somebody tackle this guy please?"

Nobody moved. I thought, "honest to God, what is wrong with you people?" I didn't say it though.

Meanwhile I felt the gun become warm in my hand. The dumbass dude said "the gun's getting hot now," as if to imply it was still a dangerous weapon that he could use against me.

I didn't believe him. I didn't care. It was only warm. I didn't know what it would do but I sure as hell wasn't giving it back to him.

Then I woke up.

Waking up exasperated is far better than waking up sad or disappointed or depressed. Exasperation is an active emotion. You do what you want when you're exasperated because you just don't care what the outcome will be anymore.

Say No And Be Doomed (Say Yes And Be Good Doomed)

You should never say no to love.

Reason 1: Love doesn't take no for an answer. Love doesn't go away because you think it would be more convenient for you if it did.

Reason 2: You're an idiot if you allow (or push!) someone you love out of your life just because you're scared.

Reason 3: Love is always good. Even if you can't figure out how to work it, even if it's inconvenient and uncomfortable. Be patient and you'll figure something out.

Reason 4: The more you experience love the bigger you find it to be. More facets and permutations are revealed to you. You recognize it better, sooner, when you encounter it elsewhere in your life. More love is better than less.

Reason 5: Would you say no to fifty bucks? A cookie? A beer? Love is SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT AND BETTER THAN MONEY OR FOOD OR ANY OF THE OTHER THINGS WE DISTRACT OURSELVES WITH. SAY YES!

Say no to love and you will just suffer the pain of realizing that you made a huge mistake. You've probably done damage to someone you care a great deal about, you've missed out on some amazing opportunities and there's nothing you can do to fix it.

Love is scary. Love is the best thing in our lives. Love is the only thing in this life that we can keep. Love will mess you up and hurt you and heal you and keep you going. It will save you.

You're going to suffer either way. Life isn't about convenience and security. Life is suffering. You can choose beautiful, meaningful, life enhancing suffering or you can choose stupid, useless suffering that helps no one.

I'm talking about love, not attraction. Big tidal wave love. I'm not saying you should hop into bed with whoever appeals.

What I'm saying is don't run away. Let love happen even if you don't know what it's going to do or where it will take you. It will take you somewhere good. The ride will be worth it. Be brave.

SAY YES!

You don't really have a choice after all. Love will find you and overcome you.

Tremors

Well, it's the holidays and I'm already feeling overwhelmed by all of the stuff I have to do. How about you? I'm not even thinking about the gift shopping either (Gift shopping doesn't actually worry me - I'm a fantastic shopper)

There are also big changes pending in my life right now - things that might happen in the next year or so or not for a long time if at all. (That statement is so vague! That's how things always are and we just try not to think about it) Despite my discomfort with the way things have been going lately these changes have me worried that I might lose some things about my life that I love (And how obvious is that? That is the nature of change. We're always afraid that the things that come into our lives after a change aren't going to be as good as the things we don't have anymore)

In short, SHAKY GROUND!!!!! AAAAAAAA!!!

I feel like I'm less resilient than I used to be. Just when I'm feeling pretty good some dumb thing happens and I'm smacked back into the dumps. I feel like I used to be able to shrug off setbacks more easily, that I didn't take things as hard as I do now.

I vaguely remember hearing (reading?) a story about a study someone did on rats. The theory being tested was that rats that survive through really difficult circumstances are the toughest rats. The study found that the surviver rats had been the toughest rats before their ordeals. After their ordeals they were just stressed-out, depleted rats.

Perhaps I feel like a depleted rat?

Well, nothing I can do about that now. I just have to wait and see what develops and get cracking on the tasks I've set for myself. At least I can wear a cotton-candy-scented wig while I'm at it.

Muuuah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Last post today (most likely)

Pumpkin pedicure

 Skull manicure

Yes of course, I did them myself - don't look too close!

August Wrap-Up

These ornamental grass seed heads are a beautiful, silky red this year.

So August turned out not to be a vast improvement on the end of July. Pretty painful month, all in all. Most of the things that made July and the rest of the summer so fretful haven't really improved. I'm just more accustomed to being unable to do anything about them. I did get a bit of work done though.

Tropical storm Irene knocked our power out for five days. That was just an inconvenience. The worst part was seeing our neighbors' houses in the river and the land the houses were built on gone. Yes, their land is gone. A number of roads we use all the time are also gone. That's pretty shocking to see. You see natural disasters on T.V. and you think "that's horrible" and it is horrible but (sadly, human nature being what it is)you feel the punch in the gut more when it happens in your neighborhood, it's right in front of you and you're not seeing it from the comfort of your sofa.

One major thing is a lot better though: my dear friend who underwent organ transplant surgery a few weeks ago is on the mend. He and his wife are two of my best friends and it was scary and hard to see him in danger and suffering and to just see her suffer. It was very familiar from watching my mom take care of my dad when he was dying. Same time of year too. This time I could remind myself that my friend was likely to get better. Still I'm probably always going to hate mens' loungewear and the end of July/beginning of August.

I'm not going to try to call September.

So far this month I've had an art show. I'll post photos once I get them off of Pete's camera. His camera is currently locked in a cooler with a large bag of desiccant because, due to an enormous and uncharacteristic brain fart, he left his camera bag outside over a rainy night.

Some other good news is that I'm chipping away at my major art endeavor. I'm calling it an endeavor because it's the single largest project I've ever taken on in my life. Well, I'm not positive that it's larger than being married but it is up there. I know I've mentioned the novel/comic book/art pieces. What this really means is that there are characters, figurines, art pieces that the characters make, drawings, several comic books, photographs, paintings, possibly film, possibly animation, possibly performances in the works. There's a lot to figure out and a lot to learn. I'm really excited about it. I'll be working on this for years.

With all of the hard things that have been happening lately and making it difficult for me to enjoy anything, it's nice to have something positive to focus on. It's nice to have something to do that feels like progress.

Of course, with a project this large I could get bogged down and lost. Somehow that doesn't seem likely though. I feel like there are enough stages to work through and small parts to complete that I'll keep feeling like I'm accomplishing something. I'll have examples of progress made, areas completed and work to show that will keep me on track. Some parts could go way off in their own wild directions but there's nothing wrong with that.

Some highlights from August:

I love bees.

Fay snoozes in the laundry

It was a great year for lilies

The roses looking good before Irene

More Garden Turbulence

When I returned home to Vermont the other day, I encountered this sorry mess:

Yes, this is one of the risks of mail-order gardening. These tomatoes arrived shortly after I left for Long Island. I asked Pete to put the box in the garage for me (the garage stays cool) Clearly I should have asked him to take the plants out of the box as well. They frigging rotted in there! Total loss.

This is one of those little things that Life is pissing me off with. If there weren't other, larger things going on as well then maybe this wouldn't have been quite so irksome. Maybe.

I have such gardening guilt. I try to talk myself out of it. So often I've had to be away at key gardening times. Still, I keep trying. I'm not a complete failure at it, I just wish I could do better.

This morning I woke up before five AM after dreaming that my mother and I were homeless. Funny thing, I couldn't get back to sleep. Maybe because I couldn't stop pondering the reasons why the dream was not entirely far-fetched?

It's been hot lately so I figured I might as well get out there and finish watering the roses and weed out the lettuce and see if I could find the pea vines which still need to be given supports.

So that's what I did and boy did it make me even surlier. First I was cursing myself for never being around. I was also cursing the many, many weeds sprouting up in my lettuce and in the paths between the beds (The beds looked more like paths than the paths did) I also cursed the lettuce that had already bolted. I did find the pea vines but it wasn't easy. 

I got three mosquito bites through my bug shirt. I worried that it was getting too hot and that the lettuce would dry up and expire because I'd unsettled it. It was ten AM and already too hot for me to do any more. I didn't get the pea supports set up.

I dumped a little water on the lettuce beds and hoped for the best, then I went in and had second breakfast.

That, to me, is a great color to look at when you're feeling pissed off or down in the dumps.

The front walk looks pretty nice. I've never had pink lupines before. I love lupines.

I love garden photographs because it's so easy to make them look so beautiful: just don't put the bad stuff in the photo. Also, all the green stuff kind of looks alike. The weeds just blend away into the verdure, as illustrated below:

There are some big honkin' weeds in the front of this photo but even if you click on it and see it in a larger size the weeds are hard to spot.

I wasn't planning on posting this photo. I just took it for myself two days ago to have a record of the peony. It's called "Paula Fay." (I'll buy anything with "Fay" in it) 

It did delight me this morning when I was fortunate to see it wide open, its bright, golden anthers contrasting beautifully with the deep pink of the petals. Then along came a giant bumblebee to roll around in there and make it look useful and even prettier.

It got to be over ninety degrees today. Those kind of temperatures make me furious - not that I needed any help with that. The sun's setting now though and things have cooled down. I'll probably put my BuzzOff clothing on and have a Cuban Mint Julep on the patio. I cooled myself down earlier by going out and getting three pints of ice cream. No, I didn't eat them all. I did have plenty though!

But it was so hot, look what it did to those peonies pictured above. These are the same flowers but this photo is from this afternoon:

So bleached out. It looks like a completely different bloom. Still pretty though. The deep pink bloom that opened today is a better example of the color it would normally be.

Also, I went and checked the lettuce. One bed has some survivors, the other is pretty much decimated except for the lettuce that bolted. Go me! Oh well, what's done is done. It's supposed to be in the nineties again for the next two days. Maybe when it mellows out I'll plant some more lettuce. Or maybe I'll move on to some other plant. I wonder if it's too late to buy some zucchini pants? I've never grown them.

Fight

Me and Life are having a fight right now.

Life's like, "I do all this great stuff for you and all you do is mope and complain. What's your problem?"

And I'm all, "What's your problem? Why are you always hitting me all of a sudden? You're really pissing me off!"

And Life's all, "What do you mean I'm hitting you all of a sudden? You have all this great stuff. Nothing lasts forever. Nobody gets to keep everything. I took it easy on you for a long time there and this is the thanks I get? You're not here to get massages and presents every day. You're here to learn stuff. Grow the hell up!"

And I'm all, "GRRRRRR!!!!! I WANT NICE PRESENTS EVERY DAY AND I WANT YOU TO STOP BUGGING ME!"

And Life's all, "NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, DUMBASS. And P.S., you have to make up with me."

I'm Scared

Here I am, alone (with Fay) in the beach house. Mom just left for the airport to go back to California and I'm not leaving for another hour.

I'm scared. I'm scared that I did something wrong. Not anything special, just something. Or a lot of things. I'm scared that I'll never come back here again. I'm scared that all the good things will go away. I'm scared of all the difficult things I can see that I'm going to have to do in the next few months (I have a couple of fun things planned but they're not making up for the hard things right now) I'm scared of disappointing the people I will inevitably disappoint one day (or have already disappointed only I don't know it yet)

But hey, I can't just curl up and die - I have a ferry to catch and I love a boat ride.

It's Dread Season

Today was the first warm day of the year, both in Boston and in Vermont (at least, the first warm day I've experienced up north this year)

I think that's why I was feeling doom-y all day. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I even had a nice day planned - lunch with my sister-in-law followed by a trip to Penzey's spice store. My kind of fun and yet I just felt this strong undercurrent of dread. I didn't sweat it too much since it's not entirely unfamiliar. I just went on with my day and we had a good time.

Throughout the day I actually got a lot of green lights. Literally. I made all kinds of traffic lights that are usually red when I get to them. Things went really smoothly today. Still I couldn't shake the unease.

On the drive up to Vermont I suddenly realized that I'm scared of summer. I wish I was joking but I'm not.

I have a friend who hates New Years. She says it's not about her getting older, it's about change and the passing of time, about good things going away. I wonder if my fear of summer is something like that? I mean there are plenty of practical reasons why summer is not a good season for me (sunburn, humidity, especially delicious blood...)but none that explain the dread.

No matter though. Tonight Pete and I sat out on our patio with a couple of beers and some wasabi cheetos. We listened to the first owls and spring peepers, saw the first bats circling overhead, watched the half moon disappear behind rain clouds rolling in and felt unexpected zephyrs waft by. I began to come to terms with the oncoming change of seasons. I still felt as though doom is coming my way but I kind of got fed up and yelled out loud, "well okay then, come and get me!" That made me feel better. That and the nature and remembering the things I like about summer.

F.I.

Last week I was whining that Life could be more direct when it's trying to tell a person something. A couple of days later the message was received.

Things have been confusing and I've been trying so hard to function to my best ability. Trying to keep working hard, take care of myself, figure out what the new normal is. I was frustrated when my best efforts kept failing, when I tried to do everything right and still everything went wrong.

Finally I got the idea that maybe the new normal is: Duh, Life's a pain in the ass. Just plow through. Do the  "right" thing or do the "wrong" thing. Whatever - just do what you have to do get what you want done.

Sometimes things just happen. Sometimes it's not meant to be.  Sometimes you fail.  Sometimes you luck out and sometimes you win. If life pelts you with crap, smack it back. It might even be fun.

That's my attitude this week. We'll see how long it lasts.

Mixed Bag

I was furious for most of today. I was supposed to go have dinner with Michaela tonight but I woke up with a cold.  GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!  We haven't met in ages, in part because it's been mud season and she couldn't get off her mountain (the roads were too bad)  Also because I couldn't eat or drink anything but crackers and water.

This cold was a real disappointment because I feel like I've been taking care of myself.  I've been eating mostly normally again for about a week.  I haven't been drinking much alcohol.  I've been mostly at home, going to bed at a decent hour, meditating and doing yoga, working steadily but not trying to overdo it.

We had a party for Pete's birthday this past Saturday (if you weren't invited, check your junk mail folder - or else it was an oversight.  We went retro and invited people by e-mail)  That night I had two beers and went to bed at around 2:30 AM (I also had a really fun time) The next morning we got up at 9:30 and had brunch with some other friends.  That's it for any kind fun activity.  No craziness at all.

Short of not getting out of bed at all, I don't know how much easier I can take it.  I guess I haven't been that sick lately.  There was the hell flu in January then the food poisoning and now this.  That's a lot for me though.  It makes me wonder if Life is trying to tell me something. Couldn't it just send me an e-mail or post it on my wall or something?  Yes, I do need it spelled out for me!  Thank you!

I've been stressing a little about getting my painting done in time for Friday.  It's very almost there.  I got some stretchers for it so it has support now.  The only problem is that the painting doesn't fit in the car when it's on the stretchers.  I'm going to have to take it apart to get it to the show and reassemble it on site.  Wish me luck.

In floral news, I succumbed to the charms of yet another grocery store plant.  This time it's a gardenia.  Gardenia is one of my favorite smells.  I've been lucky enough to have gone to Trader Vic's more than once.  At Trader Vic's every lady gets a gardenia blossom in her drink.  Gardenia blossoms are few and far between in my experience.

Too bad this isn't smelevision.

The problem with gardenia bushes in New England is that they are very sensitive.  The first time I bought one it got too cold on the way from the market into my house.  I just drove from the market to my house (five minutes) and carried it in the house.  All the nice,  fat buds fell off the plant.

So you pretty much have to time your Gardenia acquisition to a day when it's well over freezing outside. This gardenia is also very thirsty.  It needs to be watered every other day or so.  Conventional wisdom for house plants (as far as I know) is that you water them once a week.  I left this plant for four days last week and when I got back it had collapsed.  I had watered it the day I left.  It has recovered with no ill effects, hallelujah.  Next time I go back to Cambridge this plant is going with me.  Like a pet.

So far both plants are doing well.  They're both showing new growth.  I have high hopes for them making it past the last frost date and out into planters on my patio.

Overall I feel that I've come to terms with today.  I didn't get to see my friend and I feel physically uncomfortable but so far so good with my painting and my flowers are pretty and smell nice.  I can be at peace with that.  March, the vilest month of the year, is almost over (I hope it doesn't kick my ass for saying that)  Maybe April will be more fun.  You never know.

Farewell to you all, from Puffs Plus Mountain!

This Week - Some People Would Just Stay Home

Pete and I went to Florida to visit his parents.

It was windy.  It was also warm enough that I didn't care that my flab was sticking out from under my shirt.

We found some hair on the beach.  Don't worry - it was just extensions or something.  The hair was all sewn together at one end in a long strip.

Pete's dad and I battled for dessert.

One night I tried Mofongo: plantains mashed together with pork and garlic.  It's something like mashed potatoes.  I gotta say it's better fresh than reheated the next day.  The kind I got had shrimp in garlic butter over it.  Hefty! I'd try it again with a different accompaniment.  

Another day Pete and I went to the beach club for lunch.  We got salads for lunch, then we went to the ice cream store.  I got rum raisin with these beautiful multi-color Sno-caps:

Pete got a sundae.

Later that night Pete and I got salmonella.  We think it was the salads.  It couldn't have been the ice cream - right?

We spent our last day doing salmonella stuff and an extra day at Pete's parents' house recovering.  Who wants to fly sitting next to someone with salmonella?  Not that we could have made it to the airport without passing out. Three days later and we still can't eat solid food.

Poor Jill who was watching Fay agreed to stay an extra day (HALLEFRIGGINGLUJAH - THANK YOU!!!!!)

So today we were making our way up to Vermont.  We had the car all loaded up and Pete was pulling out of the parking space in the garage.  He said "is there something wrong with your steering?"  I said, "I don't think so."  Then I got out of the car to find that we had a flat tire.

Hmmmm.

So I carry Fay back up to the apartment while Pete checks at the tire place across the street. (Nice to have one across the street)

You need a key to get from the garage into our apartment's hallway.  Mine got stuck in the lock.  I had to put Fay down (so she's running loose in the hallway which the Trustees don't like) and get my key ring off the key in the door so I could put Herself into the apartment.  Then I spent ten minutes jiggling the key around trying to get it out of the lock.

Pete came back and suggested I call the management company (no, I wouldn't have thought of that.  I'm a dim bulb) while he took the car to be sorted.

So now the key is out - took the handyman about five minutes to get here and one to get the key out - and the tire is fixed (YAY - we don't have to buy four new tires for our all-wheel-drive car!) and we can go to Vermont.  For two days then come back.  Fine!  

Ain't That Too Bad?

I'm having one of those moments where I know I have zero clue.

I was just looking out the window into the back yard at what appears to be a path through the snow-filled woods behind our house.  I know that there isn't really a path there, the way just looks like it's clear.  If I were to go out and try to walk on that "path" there would in fact be all kinds of rocks and fallen branches, probably some brambles and definitely soft patches in the snow that would trip me and send me face first into a nearby tree or something. Trip!  Wham! Blink, blink blink... snow all over my face, sticks in my hair.

That is exactly how I feel about life right now.  I feel like I'm walking around with a bag over my head and I can't see where I'm going or if/when I'm going to bump into something.

Only I can see.  I can see beautiful things and sad things and neutral things.  I just can't see the route to take that would be the most beneficial.

I want some answers!  I want explanations!  I want to know!  Ain't that too bad?

I know you're supposed to "enjoy the ride" but I find that hard to do when there are so many sudden smacks in the face along the way.  It's enough to make a girl want to just get right back in bed.

It's not even like I have a well thought out plan that I'm putting in motion.  I'm just going to the studio every day to work.  I don't have massive goals to thwart.  Why do I feel like I'm about to fall down a hole?

Today's Surliness Brought To You By The Learning Curve

It took me all day to figure out how to resize this image so I could save it for the web and post it here.  A simple photo of a revolting bowl of Count Chocula.  Yes, the process was extremely aggravating.  It's six PM and I've just figured out how to do it.

This is continuing fallout from the destruction of my laptop (I had to use the word "fallout" - my laptop fell) Yes, I lost some software and some work I'd done with it but nothing very expensive or truly irreplaceable.  I lost so many photos that I don't even know how many I lost.  Of course most of them were worthless.  I can live with those things.  They're gone and I can barely remember them.  

I have yet to figure out how to get my address book up and running using the backups I made.  I may never manage it.  There's always Facebook and waiting for people to e-mail me so I can save their contact info again but still it's frustrating.  The same is true for my Safari bookmarks - not the most devastating loss either.  It's just that I used to have a comfortable system.  I had passwords and receipts saved in my old mailboxes.  Now I have to hit the "forgot password" link when I want to sign into something unusual.  Big deal.  Once everything worked smoothly, now it doesn't.  Oh well, suck it up and rebuild.

What has probably annoyed me most though is not having Photoshop.  I have photos to post up here!  Today I downloaded a trial version of Photoshop Elements.  Adobe makes everything so much more confusing than necessary.  I'm sure I'll spend additional hours searching through the maze of tutorials to find out about stuff I don't want to do and stuff it hasn't occurred to me to do.  For today though, I can finally bring you a simple, reasonably-sized photo of a bowl of Count Chocula.

If only I could just be cool about all of this.  I know it's going to take a while for me to get back up to speed.  I chose to try to learn a new thing (Photoshop Elements)  It's computer software - of course it's confusing.  I just need to be patient.  What happened to all the reading about Zen I just did?  Things are new and different and you have to adjust.  C'est la vie...

Perhaps tomorrow I can post the photos from my birthday and begin to put this laptop incident behind me.

Now the reason I wanted to post this image in the first place is that today for the first time I found the taste of Count Chocula to be disgusting.  I believe this makes me officially mature.  It is no longer fun to eat Count Chocula.  I hope that the same cannot be said for Lucky Charms.