Good Enough

Yesterday would have been Fay's fifteenth birthday. I still can't believe she's gone. 

This time last year was really hard. I won't go into it, I didn't at the time. Things are a bit better now in that I've had time to get used to the changes that have occurred. And then, of course, there's all the new stuff that's happened since then.

Which isn't to say that I'm fine with it all. Things are what they are and there's oftentimes no point in having an opinion about them. It can be hard NOT to have an opinion though. 

I'm finding lately that it's pretty easy to see the utter impermanence of life, of human reality. We're Life's rag dolls. We think we have choices and some kind of control. We can keep telling ourselves that. 

I suppose I should feel grateful for the way summer seems to come through and take things and people from me. It always seems to happen in the late summer. Summer has to be so damned hot and uncomfortable and bossy and take-y. But I should be grateful because it shows me what's real, what's true and I can't get away from it.

Now I just have to figure out what, if anything, I can do about it. More accurately, the best ways to cope with it. Not denial and not closing down. I can try for acceptance but you can't even control that. It seems I can't accept anything till I'm good and ready. I can never tell when that's going to be. People tell you to "let go" but you just can't until all of a sudden you just do. It's such a mystery to me.

Is the only thing for it just to keep bumbling through, doing my best? Probably. I sure can't count on my brain to remind me of all the lessons I've learned over the years. That's for the best too though - a lot of what I've learned is wrong! You know, I just took the wrong message from the things I've experienced. We all do it, poor, sad fleshbags that we are.

Well, now I'll go glue some stuff to some sticks. Why not? It's as good a thing to do as anything else. Then I'll go have cocktails and Indian food with Pete and my friend, Michaela. Sounds good.

Thanks

So, finally, I will tell you what I'm thankful for: my beloved friends. They're the ones who got me through my hardest times. When I was achy and sad they made me food and made me feel like I belonged with them. They made me smile and made me feel like I was important to them and that I could make them smile too.

Many thanks to all of my friends - whether you made me food or not (not everyone had the opportunity and it's not a prerequisite for thanks)

I am thankful for other things as well, like my excellent health and the fact that I can go running if I want to. For the thirteen years, nine months I got to spend with Fay. For the all of the people who helped me take care of her. For this brain of mine that keeps me guessing and entertained. For my family. For my comforts and my trials, for my ability to read, for chocolate, flush toilets, the people who make the amazing things that I love to see...

I could go on. I'm sure you could too.

Oh look - it's after midnight again. Clocks are so persnickety. Well, I'm going to bed. I hope you all had a wonderful Thursday/Thanksgiving!

Adios, Literally

One of the really hard things that happened recently (a little over a month ago) was that we had to say goodbye to Fay. My girl. I miss her so much.

The week after her fourteenth birthday she developed a problem with her lungs that wouldn't respond to treatment. She felt fine if she was in an oxygen crate at the hospital but she could only breathe for about a minute and a half if she was removed from the crate. She wasn't going to get better.

She gave me thirteen years and nine months of joy. She lifted my heart every time I interacted with her. Every difficult thing I ever did for her was so worth it.

Of course having a pet counts as saying yes to love. Some people say that your pet doesn't really love you, that they're ingratiating themselves to you so you'll give them food and shelter. I don't know if that's true. It doesn't matter if it is. The opportunity to feel and give love is so important, whether or not your love is returned. The love you give is the love you get to keep. 

Love is more than worth its cost in pain.

Recent Activity

Hi there folks! Here are some photos of stuff from the past several days:

Rhubarb Upside-down cake.

Recipe from marthastewart.com It makes a sweet, dense cake with a salty-ish crumb crust. I reduced the sugar in the cake (not the crumb) part of the recipe or the cake would have been salty too. The results were fine for the effort I put in but I think I'll keep looking for a recipe I like better.

Even dead peonies smell amazing. The three sad examples behind the fresh one made my entire house smell divine despite their crispy appearance. 

A dusty bug I spotted on a windowsill yesterday. It is the nymph of a Masked Hunter bug. They eat bedbugs and earwigs, among other things.

Garlic scapes! So pretty and delicious. I like to douse them with olive oil and salt and grill them. I'm growing much more garlic next year if I can.

My pal, Fay. She's doing great these days. Hope I didn't just jinx it. She'll be fourteen in three months.

I'd like to tell you more but I'm extra stupid from a head cold and I don't trust myself to make sense. 

Results of a Sort

Fay's test results came back and everything looks normal. Her organs are normal sized and they didn't see anything that didn't belong in there. So I guess that's good news. I suppose if there's bad news it's that she may need other tests. There was some mention of taking a kidney biopsy. I hope it doesn't come to that - it sounds hurty (also expensive)

We do know for sure there's a kidney problem. We also know for sure that some of the medication she's on to treat it makes her feel sick because she doesn't want to eat her food even though I loaded it with tuna. Crap. Poor her. I hope there are other options.

I met another new role model. There was a little old lady scooting around Davis Square in a wheelchair yesterday. She wasn't using it as a wheelchair exactly. She was sitting in it and using her feet (like Fred Flintstone) to move the chair. On my way back home from an errand I saw her struggling to get in to the post office so I stopped to give her a hand. She turned out to be a real wise-cracker. She was hilarious. Hilarious and resourceful. My new role model. A lot like Fay too.

Herself

Fay is at the vet. I had to leave her there today so she could get chest x-rays and an ultrasound. We know for sure that she has kidney inflammation. They're testing her today to find out why. Whatever it is it's not going to be good.

You can't tell anything's bothering her from her attitude. She's the same spazzy, bossy, demanding, hilarious, hungry, cute wad she's always been. She's my role model. When things start crapping out on me I'm going to try to take a page from her manual. Then I'll try to mooch treats off the person nearest to me.

Something Or Other

I finished these fingerless gloves last night.

I'm surprised by how warm the vestigial finger nubbies are.

We have about a million photos of Fay. She's so darned cute how could I not photograph her all the time?

A propos of nothing, I am doing NaNoWriMo this month. I am hilariously behind. I wrote like a nut on the first day and haven't written a word since. I'm around twelve-thousand words behind. HA HA HA HA HA! Yeah, we'll see what we get.

Sunny Day After Stormy Night

I made more ebelskivers this morning. They're much prettier with practice. Photo by Pete.

The old lady is resting.

Yesterday we had a nor' easter. We didn't get any snow where we are though. Lucky us. Today it's beautiful and sunny (also windy and cold). Fay's got her wheels on and she's itching to chase some cars!

Velvety

Here you can see some of why Fay loves Amagansett. The lawn is so velvety soft and green and pleasant on her feet and there are plenty of cars to chase from the safety of the securely fenced yard. She loves to have a job.

Another velvety thing: my new haircut.

These aren't especially velvety but I made them:

Ebelskivers! 

These are cornmeal filled with strawberry preserves. Okay, they look sad because they fell in the oven. Also because this is all that was left after Mom and I had our share. They were really delicious and I'll definitely make them again. I got the recipe from "Ebelskivers: Filled Pancakes & Other Mouthwatering Minniatures."

A Little On The Random Side

My friend Jenn kicks ass. She sent me an awesome tote bag with this image on it. Thanks Jenn!

I felt very proud of myself yesterday. It was my last day of a short course of antibiotics and the day I figured out that certain of the possible side effects were affecting me: I was depressed, disoriented and drowsy. Despite this (sorry about the alliteration) I was very productive. For example I set up this automatic container watering system for when I can't be home to water the plants:

I also did a lot of other dumb junk that's too boring to mention here. The end result was that when bed time rolled around I was pretty satisfied with myself. I re-read a little "Mindfulness in Plain English" and hit the hay.

At three AM Pete woke me up saying, "I think Fay's out in the hallway." He turned on the light and Fay was, in fact, in her bed. "Something's in the house," he said. We got up to investigate. Have you ever seen a flying squirrel? They're really cute. About the size of a chipmunk only grayer and they have the most adorable big eyes. This one was sitting on the windowsill in the upstairs room Pete uses for his office. It looked calmly at us when we turned on the lights. 

I eased over to the next window, opened it and removed the screen. We probably should have watched what happened next but we didn't. We just shut the door and checked back in five minutes. We think it left. We hope it left. We hope it doesn't come back with other family members.

Here's a photo of another peony in my garden. I love the intense color. I read the plant label yesterday. It's named after some lady but I don't remember who. (Note that there's a decorative "head" in the background of the photo)

Not to be confused with Paula Fay. Picture a bumble bee in there. Nice, huh?

 

Finally, I like these shoes:

They're Doc Martens.

Clam

Mom and I have been to the clam bar twice since I last posted. Neither time did I remember to bring a camera with me (not even my phone) so no clam photos. My apologies for failing you as a blogger in this area.

We continue to clear out the beach house for rental in August. I had planned to come out here by myself this week and take care of it but Mom offered to come along.  Thank God she did because it would have really sucked to have to do this alone. I must say that we've done a very good job. We celebrated our triumphs with rum and tonics on the deck tonight (before getting lobster rolls for dinner at the clam bar) I didn't think rum and tonic sounded very appetizing but it turns out to be quite delicious.

Fay is also having a good time. She enjoys running around the yard chasing cars and barking at them. I should probably get some video of this. She likes to be outside here more than she does in Vermont because the lawn here is far more sumptuous and there are far fewer black flies. In fact, there are no black flies. They do have very sneaky mosquitos here though.

Today it was very foggy when I awoke. After breakfast I walked down to the beach and it began to rain. You might think "well that sounds gloomy and unpleasant." It turns out that that was just the atmosphere I've been missing.  I love the ocean but I've been feeling unable to connect with it the last several times I've had the good fortune to see it. I may have just needed to be alone with it.

The beach was pretty deserted today, I'll tell you. It felt so good to put my feet in the water and watch the waves crash and foam and see the light change and the clouds race by and to be pelted gently with rain. Since no one was talking to me or otherwise requiring my attention I could take the time to sound out my feelings, to actually feel them. So luxurious. Of course, then the rain picked up. It was cool though, I had an umbrella.

Later in the day the sun came out and Mom and I kicked butt on the list of chores we'd drawn up. All in all I'd say it was a very satisfying day.

Okay, so the plan for tomorrow: get video of Fay chasing cars. I think I can do that.

Not Bad

Despite a not very promising beginning (nightmares all night, then feeling as though I'd been hit by a truck when the morning came) today has gone pretty well.

Some of my fears about the onset of spring involve the overwhelming tasks that need to be tackled in my garden. SO MANY WEEDS TO BE DEALT WITH - SO MUCH MULCHING TO DO!!!! Evil grass to be eradicated, problems to solve, LIVES AT STAKE!!!! Plant lives, and those count to me.

Today I was able to walk around the garden and make a huge, multi-page list of all the things I could see that needed to be done. I know I missed some and that even more tasks will become apparent as time goes on but I just wrote down everything I could see today.  Then I broke the list down into three sections based on importance, urgency and logistics (i.e.: pull weeds then mulch) Finally I listed every task in the order in which they should be done.

Some tasks clearly require more energy than others (like assassinating all the brambles versus moving a vine support) so in the interest of getting everything done I should do one difficult/urgent thing in a day then some less taxing/important things.  I think I'll get to the end of the list more quickly that way without killing myself.

I feel much better now that I have a sensible plan. Now I just need the weather to cooperate. I know that I'm very unlikely to accomplish every task to my satisfaction but that's just part of gardening. Hell - it's part of doing anything. Some things you just have to let go.

Another thing I did today was try out my cupcake maker. I bought it last summer from Think Geek (who doesn't sell them anymore but they do have this really cool customizable pocket knife)  because it was cheap ($20) and I wanted cupcakes but since it was summer and really hot, I didn't want to turn on my oven. Since last summer bit so hard I never had the time to try out the machine. Today was finally the day.

There it is, baking away. You can also see my nifty, beloved new silicone-tipped cooking chopsticks (from jbox.com - or jlist if you're feeling porny) which were excellent for getting the cupcakes out of the machine.  The machine is basically a waffle iron with divots instead of a waffle grid. Fill the divots with batter, close the lid and in eight minutes you have seven mini-cupcakes. 

The cupcake maker is not a time saver. You can cook something like two-dozen mini cupcakes at a time if you use a real oven and a mini cupcake pan. (I could go look at my pan and count exactly how many you can make but then I'd have to get up) Making only seven at a time makes the baking process more like making cookies - you have to do batches. But, as I said before, the cupcake machine doesn't heat up your house. Also, Fay has no interest in attacking counter-top appliances. The same cannot be said for the oven. I got to make these cupcakes in peace and she didn't have to go to jail. The machine works well. The cupcakes didn't stick at all and they're delicious, home made cupcakes. 100% win.

Naturally not all of the cupcakes made it into this photo.  Pete and I had to do a little sampling first. Then I ate all five of the frosted ones you see here. I had to. Well, okay, maybe I didn't have to. 

This Morning

This Week - Some People Would Just Stay Home

Pete and I went to Florida to visit his parents.

It was windy.  It was also warm enough that I didn't care that my flab was sticking out from under my shirt.

We found some hair on the beach.  Don't worry - it was just extensions or something.  The hair was all sewn together at one end in a long strip.

Pete's dad and I battled for dessert.

One night I tried Mofongo: plantains mashed together with pork and garlic.  It's something like mashed potatoes.  I gotta say it's better fresh than reheated the next day.  The kind I got had shrimp in garlic butter over it.  Hefty! I'd try it again with a different accompaniment.  

Another day Pete and I went to the beach club for lunch.  We got salads for lunch, then we went to the ice cream store.  I got rum raisin with these beautiful multi-color Sno-caps:

Pete got a sundae.

Later that night Pete and I got salmonella.  We think it was the salads.  It couldn't have been the ice cream - right?

We spent our last day doing salmonella stuff and an extra day at Pete's parents' house recovering.  Who wants to fly sitting next to someone with salmonella?  Not that we could have made it to the airport without passing out. Three days later and we still can't eat solid food.

Poor Jill who was watching Fay agreed to stay an extra day (HALLEFRIGGINGLUJAH - THANK YOU!!!!!)

So today we were making our way up to Vermont.  We had the car all loaded up and Pete was pulling out of the parking space in the garage.  He said "is there something wrong with your steering?"  I said, "I don't think so."  Then I got out of the car to find that we had a flat tire.

Hmmmm.

So I carry Fay back up to the apartment while Pete checks at the tire place across the street. (Nice to have one across the street)

You need a key to get from the garage into our apartment's hallway.  Mine got stuck in the lock.  I had to put Fay down (so she's running loose in the hallway which the Trustees don't like) and get my key ring off the key in the door so I could put Herself into the apartment.  Then I spent ten minutes jiggling the key around trying to get it out of the lock.

Pete came back and suggested I call the management company (no, I wouldn't have thought of that.  I'm a dim bulb) while he took the car to be sorted.

So now the key is out - took the handyman about five minutes to get here and one to get the key out - and the tire is fixed (YAY - we don't have to buy four new tires for our all-wheel-drive car!) and we can go to Vermont.  For two days then come back.  Fine!  

In Making News

I did manage to make chocolate chip cookies with bacon in them today.  I cut about two tablespoons of butter and half the salt from the original recipe and added half a cup of cooked bacon in with the nuts and chocolate chips.  They came out good.  Pete approves and he wasn't so sure it would be a good idea.

I wish they were a little more bacon-y.  As you can see I broke the bacon up into chocolate-chip sized pieces.  Some of them broke down even more when they were incorporated into the batter.  I think they should be bigger so I'll use larger pieces next time (whenever that is - I don't usually buy bacon)

Also I'll try to use some solidified bacon fat in place of some butter for more bacon flavor. I'm not positive more bacon pieces is the way to go.  When you eat the cookie the bacon breaks down more slowly than the rest of the cookie and you can be left with, well, meat dregs in your mouth.  Kind of like the coconut when you eat a Mounds bar.  It's not a huge problem but I'm not sure I like that.

Whenever I use the oven Fay has to be banished to jail.

This is because she has a life-long hatred of ovens and will attack them if she knows they're in use.  Don't ask me why - I don't know of anything an oven ever did to her.  Except once she was able to bite an in-use oven and she got burned on her lip.  She was so busy beating up the oven though that she didn't notice until afterwards.  I'm sure she had no idea why her lip hurt.  So you see, it's jail for her.  She protests.

Poor thing - the whole house has smelled like bacon all day.

Birthday 2011

2010 was a difficult year.  For the first half I was pretty proud of myself for being able to compartmentalize the bad and the good and still find ways to enjoy myself.  Actually, I've been patting myself on the back about that ability for the last three years.  Unfortunately that particular emotional resource ran out a little after my dad died.  Since then I've had a hard time enjoying anything.  That's normal - it happens.  As long as I take care of myself I'll get that ability back.  I'm not worried, just waiting.

I did enjoy my birthday though, in a low-key way.  To celebrate we went to Hotel Del Coronado for New Years Day brunch in the Crown Room.  Here's what I wore:

Mom gave me the bag and the shoes for Christmas.  You'd have to feel at least a little bit uplifted by that combo, huh?  You might recognize the shoes from this post.

Here I am towards the end of the meal.  Notice that I have a tiramisu, three chocolate drinks, three little piles of chocolate mousse and a meringue.  The food at the brunch is stellar but my absolute favorite thing is that chocolate drink.  Maybe next time I'll get five!

After brunch we all walked on the beach.  Usually there's a chilly wind blowing on that beach but this day it was just warm and pleasant.  They have disco sand there: it glitters with golden mica.  So fancy!

Then Pete and I took Fay in her doggie stroller to smell the smellicans (pelican roosts really stink) at the La Jolla Cove.

Fay loves to sniff all the smells.  I kept waiting for someone to look into our stroller and say "What a hideous child!" Everybody just thought she was so cute. Well, she is.

When we got back to Mom's house the sun was setting.  It was an incredible sunset.  Pete and I stayed out on the lawn for about an hour watching it.

It was even beautiful to the east.  I had trouble deciding where to look.

I chose to see a phoenix in these clouds because I could use a rebirth.

After the sunset we all had dinner together.  Mom delegated the ordering of the cakes to my brother this year.  For some reason he ordered three birthday cakes for me. There have to be photos of them somewhere but I don't have them.  There was coconut, chocolate with white icing and a fruit tiramisu.  Against the odds, the fruit tiramisu was my hands down favorite.  I wish I had some right now.

So all in all a very pleasant birthday.  Ideal.  Comfortable, delicious and spent with my favorite people.  Way to start the new year.

Fay is really bored.  She's walking around the apartment looking for things to knock over and scratch at.  She wants me to get my attention so I'll give her food.

I think I might have to start bringing bribes on our walks again.  The last two times I've taken her out she just wants to come right back in again. At least she has to walk from the back door to the front door of the apartment building.  We go out the back door and it doesn't have a keyhole so we can't get back in that way.

I'm feeling slightly better today.  I'm beginning to be able to think a tiny bit.  I can't do math yet though.

This is the time of year when people tend to look back at the past and try to take a survey of what's happened.  I just turned 45 so I took a glance back over the last five years.

It seems like something happens to people in their forties and they can no longer evade the issues they were able to sidestep or ignore in their younger days.  All the shit hits the fan in your forties.

For example the alcoholics go hardcore and really wreak havoc in their lives and the lives of people who love them.  Long term couples split up, people start getting serious illnesses.  If you have demons you haven't done something about yet they will come and sit on your shoulders and bite you in the face.

Say you're twenty-something and you know you have some kind of problem.  You don't know what to do about it and there's a lot going on in your life so you think, "well I'll just look away and maybe it will get better on its own."  That's reasonable enough I guess.  What else can you do when you don't know what to do?

As you get older the problem persists and through life experience you begin to find out about ways you could address it.  You don't want to address it though.  It would be a big pain in the ass to address it.  You've gone on this long not having to acknowledge the problem.  Your life's manageable and you're having a good enough time.  Why shake things up?

Well here's why: now you're forty and you realize the damned problem hasn't gone away and it's not going to just go away and it's starting to creep into your daily life and kick the legs right out from under you.  It's starting to influence your closest relationships and it's interfering with even your most casual interactions with people.  It's standing in front of you and it won't get out of the way.  It's in the middle of your kitchen, screaming it's head off and threatening to set fire to your house.  If you don't do something it will set fire to your house and you'll be left with nothing.

It's so hard to make changes in life.  Hardly anybody can change without absolutely being forced to.  I can't.  Old habits die really hard.  Chances are that whatever you're dealing with you can still get some enjoyment out of your life, there is some comfort.  It's scary to even think about making a simple change that seems like it could blow everything up and make everything unfamiliar.  Then you'd have no bearings (at first) and where would you be?

Well maybe your kitchen wouldn't be on fire.  Or maybe you will have grabbed the matches and burned the place down yourself since you found out it was condemned.  At least you wouldn't have some lunatic screaming at you and threatening you anymore.

If you have some kind of issues - and of course everybody does - and you find out something you can do about them try to do it.  Read a book on the subject, see a professional, get regular exercise, take up yoga, talk to your friends.  Just accepting that you have difficulty with some things is a start.

If there's an alcoholic in your life it really helps to go to Al Anon.  Going to an Al Anon meeting isn't really that revolutionary.  You can just go and listen.  You don't have to change your life at all.  Afterwards you will not be required to go home and make demands of your alcoholic significant other.  If anyone sees you there well then, you see them too.  It's kind of nice to know that you have something in common with that lady you see at the market all the time.  Best of all, you find out all the stuff that you don't have to do and you find out that you're not alone.  It's really quite a load off.

If you possibly can, it's better to deal with things when you're young and flexible and when it doesn't involve your kids.  I you wait till you're forty everything is much harder and more complicated.

What A Bad Girl Looks Like

She is very bad.  She doesn't care at all that we're in California.  She wants her breakfast at 4:30 eastern time.  Then she wants more food at half hour intervals after that.  She's noisy and determined.  I had to shut her in the bathroom with her kong full of peanut butter last night.  Even then she was pawing at the door complaining.  Trouble maker!

Rampaging

I'm thinking I do better when I'm thwarted.  When things start going my way I get all big headed.  I think "At last, The Universe is on my team!  Everything's going to go great now!"  Then I start pontificating and condescending and acting all giddy and more foolish than usual.  Later I get home and realize what a dolt I've been and I feel so embarrassed.  As you can tell, I've done this more than once.  I should be grateful for the indifference life usually dishes out.  I can't seem to control my unmerited self-confidence when things seem sunny.

Speaking of lack of control, I have become obsessed with lipstick.  I picked up this boxed set at Anthropologie the other day:

I've tried all three tubes.  They are the finest lipsticks I've ever worn.  The colors are beautiful and flattering and they feel luxurious on - very hydrating, not sticky or waxy - and they are without odor or flavor.  They were sheerer than they looked in the tube which works for me.  These are colors I can put on without having to look in the mirror and yet they still have impact.

Once I'd tried them all I immediately googled "Lipstick Queen."  It's Poppy King's new lipstick company.  Maybe you remember her perfect matte lipsticks from back in the 90's?  Maybe not.  I'm just the kind of person who remembers stuff like that.

Here's a link to the website.  I want to try the "Black Tie Optional" and something from the Sinner line.

As for the Kate Spade red lipstick I mentioned earlier, it turns out you can buy it on line.  It's under "fragrance" (and yet it too has no fragrance or flavor)

Finally, I bought a Santa hat for Fay.  Yes, I'm one of those people now.  Somehow I managed to pass up the banana split dog costume they were selling at Target this Halloween (the one that's all over youtube) but the Petco Santa hat got me (after all these years!)

Maybe I'll change the photos over there on the right to something more seasonal.  They've been up there since 2007.

It's funny, I just typed in the title of this post and it made me think if the times I've claimed to be on a rampage.  Usually that involves something like eating popcorn and Nutella or tidying the house or (God help me) staying in bed longer than usual.  These are not rampages.  Rampages involve violent uncontrollable behavior. When I think about it, the things I consider "out of control" for me are ridiculous.  I'm not sure I've ever really been out of control (on my own initiative) in my life.  I feel like I'm missing out.  But then I think of the people I know who really are out of control.  It's pretty much been fatal for them.  Is there such thing as being a little bit out of control for a little while?

Maybe This Is How Fay Feels

I can't believe how hungry I am today.  You might think, "Well how convenient!  It is Thanksgiving, after all."  Well it isn't Thanksgiving yet.  Not here.  I'm in California and it's only 9:30 AM here.

When I got up at 6:30 local time I had a piece of whole wheat toast with some swiss cheese meted on top.  A little later I had some left over steak.  I also had a cup of coffee, a glass of water and a few spoonfuls of yogurt.

I've been doing a little cooking and writing in the mean time so time has passed.  I got hungry again so I looked at my watch to see if that was reasonable.  My watch said 12:00.  "Yes!" I thought, "I can make lunch.  I'll have a salad."  I got out the salad fixin's and started a-making.  Then I glanced at the clock over by the sink.  It said 9:00. :(  I remembered that I didn't reset my watch so I could easily tell what time Fay thinks it is.

I'm eating a damned salad while I type this.