Time has been very tight for the last month or so. Yesterday on the plane I had some time to look at my calendar. I was trying to figure out how my schedule had gotten so out of whack. Why had the last few weeks seemed so unmanageable and exhausting? What did I need to change to feel less stressed and overwhelmed?
It turns out that my schedule is fine, I just need people to stop dying.
I know that's never going to happen. Death is not done yet. At the moment Death is just hanging around having a cigarette or two before it finishes one pending job that I'm aware of. Who knows what else it has up its tattered sleeve?
I really hope it gives us a breather after that. I mean, I'm not going to go into other peoples' health/death issues but it's been pretty grim and deathy around here lately.
I know it doesn't always have to be like that because we had quite a long period there when no one we knew had a life threatening illness and everyone stayed above ground or out of the crematory.
I don't know, maybe it's better to be constantly acutely aware that the people you love won't be around forever. I know I see my friends with new eyes and interact with them differently now. They probably all wonder what my problem is and why I'm being so damned sociable all of a sudden. Can't I leave them alone? They've got shit to do! Okay, it's not really that bad. I am an introvert after all. I can only really take so much socializing.
But my friends are definitely getting a more intense Mel experience these days. Most of them have no idea where it's coming from. I'm just really aware of how much I value my loved ones now. I'm also more aware of who my loved ones are. It's pretty intense for me too. I'm glad they're not in the same headspace as me. It's uncomfortable. I don't wish that on others.
That said, I am really enjoying the massive boost of gratitude I have for the beauty in my life and for all the people I love. So it's not all bad. Uncomfortable but beautiful.
It's not like Life and Death take requests. Ultimately my schedule is out of my hands and I just have to do the best I can with the cards I'm dealt. Make lemonade and all that crap.
All of this love and concern are worth the confusion and running around. How effective in life does someone like me really need to be? I'm not solving world hunger or curing cancer. I'm just this thing. I can have a screwy schedule.