I will begin by gloating that it is currently 55 degrees outside. My California relatives would say that that is COLD. I say it's sweater weather and I LOVE it. Yes it's July and I'll say again, I live in New England for a reason. Well for several reasons but in this case because I like cool weather. Later today it should get up into to the lower eighties.
I will continue by saying that my dog has had diarrhea for a month. One up-side of this is that I now have no trouble spelling diarrhea. If pressed I could find another up-side which is that I feel kind of like a superhero in staying on top of the diarrhea in hand to butt combat. It's not an easy battle at all. It involves lots of laundry, as you might expect, and a fair amount of cooking, not to mention wiping, cleaning and hosing. Diarrhea doesn't care what time of day or night it is so sleep deprivation is also involved.
I guess some people would give up and put their dog to sleep rather than fight. I can't do that though. Fay is herself. She's fine except that the back of her doesn't work and she's extremely messy. The bottom line is that she has diarrhea because of some medication(s) she's on. If we can determine which one it is then this battle will be over.
Certain demoralizing complications have arisen in the last couple of weeks. The butt infection was bad. Now Fay's on an antibiotic to fight it and other potential infections. This antibiotic seems to be making her feel lousy though. Or else it's the shots of cytosar she had two weeks ago that make her feel lousy. In the morning after taking her medication she starts feeling low and uncomfortable and this behavior persists into the afternoon. That's when I think that life is becoming a burden to her. She isn't her bright, demanding self and she has no appetite. I think she can't go on feeling like that and having endless diarrhea. That's when I think I might have to put her down any day now.
Then I talk to the vet who convinces me that there are still things we can do to improve the situation. The latest is anti-diarrhea cat food because Fay now refuses to eat the dog version no matter what I cook for her to mask the taste. We're also eliminating or decreasing her medications one at a time. All of these changes take at least a week to show if they're working. We have had some success: no more blood. She has good days and bad days. Today is a messy day which goes to show that we haven't had much success.
So today I will drive from Vermont down to Jamaica Plain in Boston where the vet hospital is and pick up Fay's first rations of prescription cat food. If she won't eat that either or if (after a week to ten days) it just doesn't help then we'll try decreasing another medication. This will increase the possibility that her disease could spread forward to her forelegs or into her brain. You'll notice that this also implies at least another week of diarrhea as a best case scenario.
In the mean time the people in my life are losing patience with my patience. They don't see why I don't just put an end to this ordeal. Even if we solve the diarrhea problem Fay's still incontinent and I'll still be cleaning up after her. She'll still be paralyzed and her disease will progress eventually.
It's just that when she's herself and not uncomfortable she's my good friend who still enjoys life. I haven't yet met the line where what needs to be tried to make that happen is too much to ask. Everybody else seems to think I've crossed it. Everybody but the vet at least.
In the midst of all this sometimes (like when I take out the trash) I notice that it's nice outside. I've been very wrapped up in my new ideas and the ordinary things I have to do and in taking care of Fay's emergencies. Occasionally I wish I would just go outside and enjoy the lovely weather. As we know I don't love warm weather. But summer is reality and I should try to enjoy and participate in it.
Instead today I'll bundle Fay into the car with her diapers and Huggies wipes and drive down to Boston for the cat food. It seems to me better to deal with whatever "emerges" on two three-hour car rides than to leave her sitting in whatever piles in the kitchen all day long until I return. So that's what we'll do.
Postsccript:
Fay's Uncle Kenny has come to our rescue. Kenny, my new favorite Weisstronaut, was supposed to come up here to VT today and join the other Weisstronauts to record and play a festival this weekend. He got a late start since he's got bronchitis and didn't sleep well last night. He's going to pick up the cat food for us. We'll have to think of something REALLY nice to do for Kenny. I wonder if he'll have a taste for cupcakes despite his bronchitis? Maybe chicken soup would be more appropriate?
2 comments:
First, you are a hero. Fay's Super Hero, no doubt.
If Fay were a person... we wouldn't even think of putting her to sleep. We would do what you are doing: try to make her feel better.
When Fay is ready to go, she will ask you. Our pets always know how to tell us that they need something. She will tell you with her eyes, which will no longer have the spark of life. Or she will tell you with her tail, when it hangs consistently low and stops wagging. She might tell you when she no longer has the desire to get up, to eat, or to raise her head. She may begin to whimper or moan, saying that she has just had enough. When she asks you, you will have no choice but to respond. You will steel yourself, and you will do the only thing left that you can to make her comfortable... for the last time. This will not be what you want, but it will be what she wants... and it will be the hardest thing you have ever done, but you will do it because you love her, and because she needs you to be strong for her. You will still feel emotional doubt, but your cognitive self will know that it is the only way.
Until this time, you have no choice but to do what she wants you to do, (take care of her and make her feel comfortable). That is why you are being patient. The last time I saw Fay, it was obvious to me that she was still Fay... still herself. Fay seemed interested in what you were up to, and eager for treats. She is your friend, and you know her best.
Rell let me know when she wasn't feeling good. She always told me things with her eyes. On her last day, I knew she was getting close, and getting uncomfortable. She looked at me with a "help me" look, and she told me she was ready to go with her lack of zest for life, (in her case, zero interest in whipped cream). We reached a point where there was nothing more that I could do... except to stop her pain and suffering as soon as the scale tipped to that side.
This is a hard time. You will need someone there to support you when the time comes.
Until that time, you have every right to enjoy the time that you have left. It may be days or weeks or months. But whatever it is... it is yours, and as long as Fay isn't in pain... the two of you have every right to it.
We are thinking of you and send you our love.
Oli, Dr. Goof, Michaela
hi mel...
my heart goes out to you and fay. keep on keepin on (as some band says...i think). and i agree with michaela, you are a super hero!
(and i have faith in you and your decisions).
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