Fay is really bored.  She's walking around the apartment looking for things to knock over and scratch at.  She wants me to get my attention so I'll give her food.

I think I might have to start bringing bribes on our walks again.  The last two times I've taken her out she just wants to come right back in again. At least she has to walk from the back door to the front door of the apartment building.  We go out the back door and it doesn't have a keyhole so we can't get back in that way.

I'm feeling slightly better today.  I'm beginning to be able to think a tiny bit.  I can't do math yet though.

This is the time of year when people tend to look back at the past and try to take a survey of what's happened.  I just turned 45 so I took a glance back over the last five years.

It seems like something happens to people in their forties and they can no longer evade the issues they were able to sidestep or ignore in their younger days.  All the shit hits the fan in your forties.

For example the alcoholics go hardcore and really wreak havoc in their lives and the lives of people who love them.  Long term couples split up, people start getting serious illnesses.  If you have demons you haven't done something about yet they will come and sit on your shoulders and bite you in the face.

Say you're twenty-something and you know you have some kind of problem.  You don't know what to do about it and there's a lot going on in your life so you think, "well I'll just look away and maybe it will get better on its own."  That's reasonable enough I guess.  What else can you do when you don't know what to do?

As you get older the problem persists and through life experience you begin to find out about ways you could address it.  You don't want to address it though.  It would be a big pain in the ass to address it.  You've gone on this long not having to acknowledge the problem.  Your life's manageable and you're having a good enough time.  Why shake things up?

Well here's why: now you're forty and you realize the damned problem hasn't gone away and it's not going to just go away and it's starting to creep into your daily life and kick the legs right out from under you.  It's starting to influence your closest relationships and it's interfering with even your most casual interactions with people.  It's standing in front of you and it won't get out of the way.  It's in the middle of your kitchen, screaming it's head off and threatening to set fire to your house.  If you don't do something it will set fire to your house and you'll be left with nothing.

It's so hard to make changes in life.  Hardly anybody can change without absolutely being forced to.  I can't.  Old habits die really hard.  Chances are that whatever you're dealing with you can still get some enjoyment out of your life, there is some comfort.  It's scary to even think about making a simple change that seems like it could blow everything up and make everything unfamiliar.  Then you'd have no bearings (at first) and where would you be?

Well maybe your kitchen wouldn't be on fire.  Or maybe you will have grabbed the matches and burned the place down yourself since you found out it was condemned.  At least you wouldn't have some lunatic screaming at you and threatening you anymore.

If you have some kind of issues - and of course everybody does - and you find out something you can do about them try to do it.  Read a book on the subject, see a professional, get regular exercise, take up yoga, talk to your friends.  Just accepting that you have difficulty with some things is a start.

If there's an alcoholic in your life it really helps to go to Al Anon.  Going to an Al Anon meeting isn't really that revolutionary.  You can just go and listen.  You don't have to change your life at all.  Afterwards you will not be required to go home and make demands of your alcoholic significant other.  If anyone sees you there well then, you see them too.  It's kind of nice to know that you have something in common with that lady you see at the market all the time.  Best of all, you find out all the stuff that you don't have to do and you find out that you're not alone.  It's really quite a load off.

If you possibly can, it's better to deal with things when you're young and flexible and when it doesn't involve your kids.  I you wait till you're forty everything is much harder and more complicated.

Not As Bad As It Sounds (A.k.a, I Surrender!)

Ugh. I have the flu. I got over my 24-hour virus and flew back from California just fine. The night we got back Pete and I even went out for dinner. The next morning I woke up feeling achy and exhausted. I've been in bed pretty much ever since. Bad news!

I thought it was just that I was tapped out from a grueling holiday season. So much travel and the grieving process. The demise of my computer was a tough blow. I also got dragged in to some drama with a neighbor about something that doesn't involve me at all which was really hard to take. Her timing was putrid.

I've been too tired to think - even to daydream. I sure as hell haven't had any desire to interact with people. I feel pretty burnt. I'm not facebooking or even tweeting. I'm kind of avoiding e-mail too, although nowadays the only e-mail I get is either from Neiman Marcus or about Viagra.

I did want to go to my friend Jill's surprise party last night but I felt too lousy and didn't want to be the Typhoid Mary of the evening. I thought I might be feeling better last night but I woke up feeling crappy again this morning.

I have a very low threshold for bad news and problems these days. I don't want to hear gossip or bad-mouthing. I don't have the patience. So I guess it's just as well that I haven't left the apartment in five days except to walk the dog.

I'd planned to get a lot of my own work done this month. It turns out that "my own work" is recovering from last year. I think I can let go of my hopes to be "productive" because I feel so crappy that I don't have a choice.

So now I'm reading about Zen and therapeutic yoga and playing "Bakery Story" and "City Story" on the iPad. Hell - I'm blogging from the iPad. I hope it works okay since the interface is a little balky.

We're still in California. We were supposed to go back to Boston yesterday but I came down with a 24 hour bug so we're leaving today instead.

I have to admit that California is growing on me. It used to be that I thought CA was weird and Califonians were nuts.* Now I'm getting used to it. Also, the thought of leaving this incredible weather is daunting. I drifted off to sleep last night thinking abut long underwear and down jackets.

My birthday was a few days ago. I had a really nice day and I'll blog about it once I have Photoshop re-installed on my new hand-me-down computer (I have my dad's old laptop - to go with his iPad)

Good luck to all of us in the new year!

*Not anyone I know personally of course.

What A Bad Girl Looks Like

She is very bad.  She doesn't care at all that we're in California.  She wants her breakfast at 4:30 eastern time.  Then she wants more food at half hour intervals after that.  She's noisy and determined.  I had to shut her in the bathroom with her kong full of peanut butter last night.  Even then she was pawing at the door complaining.  Trouble maker!

Black Cloud

Not happy.  My computer fell off the table where it was charging and died.  We're traveling so I don't have access to my backup hard drives.  Also, my iPad was plugged into the computer when it fell so the iPad is compromised too.

That is the tip of the iceberg though.

The first Christmas without Dad is being more challenging than I though it would be (for me at least) so I'm in a crappy mood to begin with.

Hey - at least the weather's nice, the company's good, The food is good, Fay is healthy, I have a home to go back to, I have back ups for most of my files, my novel is safe and overall I'm in good shape.

There's light around the edge of this black cloud.  Now I need a good wind to blow the damned thing away.

I Could Pace Myself...

but why?  It's not NaBloPoMo.

Evidence of more half-assery:

This is what you get when you cut up marshmallows and put them in your brownie batter.  Looks intriguing, no?  I assume it would taste a lot better if the marshmallows aren't stale, the canola oil isn't rancid and the brownie mix hadn't expired in 2008.  Yes, I did that too.

Our fake tree.  If you look closely you can see that it has both pine and fir branches.  We've had this tree for years but I just noticed that this year.

Left-over pancake!  An underused culinary option in the age of microwave ovens.  This one is left over neeps and tatties with skirlie and a side of kale.  Of course it is.  There's some kind of meat stew mixed in the pancake too.

Craft Hubris

This blog should really be called "I Half-ass My Way Through Things, Seeing What I Can Get Away With Without Doing Anything Properly"

I just spent a fun couple of hours completely failing to make a pillowcase.  It really was fun - I learned a lot.  I didn't wreck anything either because I used material from a filthy old sheet as a tester.  That was probably the smartest thing I've done all day.  My first pillowcase came out so wrong that I'm definitely going to make another one out of more filthy sheet until I get the measurements and technique right.

I may also need to find a new sewing machine.  Wouldn't that be nice?  Maybe a fancy overlock machine.

I have craft hubris.  I think I can make anything easily.  It cracks me up to find out how wrong I am.  I sure have fun trying though.

I told my friend I'd knit her two pillows.  We picked out the yarn and a fabric backing and I knit the yarn part.  Now I find out that I need to back the knitted part with fabric to help it keep its shape.  I also want the pillow to be removable so that she can wash the case if she needs to.  That's the tricky part.  Instead of just sewing up a rectangle of fabric and sewing the knit part to the front of it, I'm sewing an envelope out of two different fabrics (one fancy, one plain) with velcro closure.  I'm sure I'm also over-thinking and over seaming.  I got really into the preliminary seam ironing too.  I love ironing - it's so peaceful.

In the end I came up with a design I liked but it didn't fit the pillow at all.  Now I have to re-measure and try again.  I'm sure I'll manage eventually.

I don't really know how to sew.  I learned how to use a sewing machine in high school when I volunteered in the costume workshop.  I made a yolked button-down shirt for one of the boys in "Our Town."  Classic.  That's all I made.  One shirt, twenty-seven years ago.  Still, I consider myself comfortable with a sewing machine.  See - hubris.  I should definitely invest in an overlock machine.

More Shoes

I know, I know - but look how cute they are!  From Mod Cloth.

More Coveting

Don't you think these boots would go GREAT with that red wig?

And while I'm at it, how about these boots?

All from John Fluevog.

P.S., the weather outside is frightful.  Just the way I like it.

RED!

I don't know why but I'm all about RED these days.  It started before the holidays so it's not just some Christmas thing.  RED RED RED RED RED!!!!!

Michaela sent me this picture of a wig you can get on etsy.com:

so naturally I went to their etsy shop.  Which wig don't I want?  I have something like seven wigs favorited right now.  I kind of feel like wigs are as good as knit hats in the winter time and if you wear a wig and a hat you're extra warm, right?  I always wear a hat indoors this time of year (since it's buttass cold) so these would be practical.

On top of really making me want to buy things, looking at etsy really makes me want to go make things.  Usually I want to go make the things that would distract me from the things it's more important to make though.  Eh, what are you going to do?  Make everything and not worry about it?  How many hours are there in a day?

Rampaging

I'm thinking I do better when I'm thwarted.  When things start going my way I get all big headed.  I think "At last, The Universe is on my team!  Everything's going to go great now!"  Then I start pontificating and condescending and acting all giddy and more foolish than usual.  Later I get home and realize what a dolt I've been and I feel so embarrassed.  As you can tell, I've done this more than once.  I should be grateful for the indifference life usually dishes out.  I can't seem to control my unmerited self-confidence when things seem sunny.

Speaking of lack of control, I have become obsessed with lipstick.  I picked up this boxed set at Anthropologie the other day:

I've tried all three tubes.  They are the finest lipsticks I've ever worn.  The colors are beautiful and flattering and they feel luxurious on - very hydrating, not sticky or waxy - and they are without odor or flavor.  They were sheerer than they looked in the tube which works for me.  These are colors I can put on without having to look in the mirror and yet they still have impact.

Once I'd tried them all I immediately googled "Lipstick Queen."  It's Poppy King's new lipstick company.  Maybe you remember her perfect matte lipsticks from back in the 90's?  Maybe not.  I'm just the kind of person who remembers stuff like that.

Here's a link to the website.  I want to try the "Black Tie Optional" and something from the Sinner line.

As for the Kate Spade red lipstick I mentioned earlier, it turns out you can buy it on line.  It's under "fragrance" (and yet it too has no fragrance or flavor)

Finally, I bought a Santa hat for Fay.  Yes, I'm one of those people now.  Somehow I managed to pass up the banana split dog costume they were selling at Target this Halloween (the one that's all over youtube) but the Petco Santa hat got me (after all these years!)

Maybe I'll change the photos over there on the right to something more seasonal.  They've been up there since 2007.

It's funny, I just typed in the title of this post and it made me think if the times I've claimed to be on a rampage.  Usually that involves something like eating popcorn and Nutella or tidying the house or (God help me) staying in bed longer than usual.  These are not rampages.  Rampages involve violent uncontrollable behavior. When I think about it, the things I consider "out of control" for me are ridiculous.  I'm not sure I've ever really been out of control (on my own initiative) in my life.  I feel like I'm missing out.  But then I think of the people I know who really are out of control.  It's pretty much been fatal for them.  Is there such thing as being a little bit out of control for a little while?

Life Is One Big Ball Pit - Especially When You're Juvenile Like Me

I was looking at what I'd written under the "monsters" category.  The older stuff is a little bit interesting.  I really hope I can make a comeback here sometime soon.  That would require me to have some time to think and maybe the holiday season isn't the best hope for that.

Clearly I need to make some lifestyle changes.

Another thing I was thinking about today was, well, I always think everybody else is doing better than I am.  I think everybody else is better at managing their time and being a grown up and dealing with life's details than I am.  It dawned on me today that that may not be true.

Everybody else just deals differently than me.  Plenty of people out there are dropping balls all the time.  I just don't see it.  The streets are awash with dropped balls and they're not all mine.  There are tons of things I'm terrible about.  There are all kinds of people who are better about them than I am.  But there are probably other things that I'm better about than they are too.

Wow, what am I, fourteen?

Maybe I should get back into reading the "New Yorker" more again.  At least the comics.