Zzzzz New Year

Happy New Year everyone!

Today was my forty-second birthday.

I just saw a picture of a chocolate cupcake with chocolate icing and I really wish I had one. I didn't think of it before though so I don't have one handy.

This birthday has been important in that I "learned" something today. I put "learned" in quotes because what I learned is something I have known for years and have not been so good about acting on. Something that refuses to sink in. Since I haven't yet acted on it I still can't really claim to have learned anything at all. Ask me in a couple of weeks.

Yeah, what is it? Get to the point!

It is that I need to make sure that what I want happens.

I have a way of caving on what I want. Somehow I got in the habit of appeasing others. It's like I've taken it on as my job and I don't even think about it. The job of the day: make sure everybody gets what they want.

There's nothing like the holidays for appeasement opportunities. All those family members and their hopes and dreams and really wanting them to be happy. I do it in my everyday life as well, with Pete.

Everything kind of came to a head a couple of days ago. I realized that I don't stand up for the things I want. Even in simple ways like what time I want to go to bed or get up in the morning. It's so stupid! For example I'll say "I'm going to bed" and Pete will say, "don't go to bed, stay up a little longer" and I stay up without even thinking about it. The next day I'm too wiped to think straight. Who's fault is that? Not Pete's.

Even though I've been thinking about this very seriously for the last two days today was no different.

Today was a series of useless cavings that led to me being stressed out and anxious and to having to do a bunch of things that I didn't want to do and wouldn't have had to do if I'd just said no. None of it was important or that bad. But I could have had the birthday I'd wanted to have if I'd just insisted. And nobody would have noticed or complained either.

I mean it was my birthday - the one day of the year that you have an excuse to please no one but yourself. I totally dropped that ball!

I hope that it's good that everything fell out this way though. Maybe because I ruined my birthday for everyone I'll pay more attention to making sure I do what I need to do for myself in the future.

Where's Oprah? Does this make any sense? I can't tell because I stayed up too late last night and I can't think straight!

Dear God please help me to remember to put my foot down. Amen.