The Artistic Impulse and Getting Stuck

Making things is a compulsion. It's bigger than me. The impulse takes over my body and must be satisfied one way or another. The muscles in my hands and arms actually feel itchy and uncomfortable when I don't make something on a regular basis. The act of making probably provides my brain with some chemical reward that I don't know how to get any other way.

For me the itch can be satisfied by making pretty much anything. Sculpture, painting, knitting, brownies, jewelry, pies. The more intense the better. So salad doesn't cut it. Maybe also because I'm not that happy to have a salad when I'm done making it.

Making art is riskier than making brownies because if it doesn't go well the reward is complicated. On the one hand I am using my make muscles and hopefully my mind to explore and experiment. I get some reward for that.

On the other, I'm spending precious time doing something and I want the result to be "good." This is where the problems start.

Sometimes it's nerve wracking to explore and experiment. It ought to just be fun and gleeful but sometimes I get to thinking more about how I hope I didn't "waste my time" or "ruin it" and that I'm not going to end up with a mess I can't use for anything. This kind of thinking leads to playing it safe, sticking to what I already know and not going all out. This kind of thinking is hobbling and guarantees that I will waste my time. It also robs me of a full reward. I'm making but I'm second-guessing myself, failing and feeling bad about it.

It's possible to work for months in this terrible mindset with only the occasional day of good, all out experimentation. That gets demoralizing and makes you dread going to your studio.

But still you want to go because the high of going all out is so exhilarating when you can get it.

I think I'm going to have to draw myself a cartoon of the demon of the studio. It's going to be looming in the door saying "This had better be good!" and "If you ruin it you'll be sorry" and "Be careful!" A big, ugly cartoon.

A good art-making day is really satisfying. Sometimes, though, you just want brownies.