I should have gone to bed already.
Things got really bonkers crazy last Wednesday. Something kind of big and unexpected happened. Not necessarily important, just unexpected and time and thought consuming. My plans have gone off the rails again.
You know how I'd been looking forward to having my normal, non-Christmas time back so I could live my life and do my stuff? How my plan was to try to keep myself sane? Well it kind of didn't work. I felt pretty depressed. I had time to do the things I was looking forward to doing, but I didn't enjoy them.*
Now all this weird stuff has sprung up (which I'll probably end up explaining later) and I'm pressed for time again and I've had to put off some of the things I've been wanting to do. But now I'M EXCITED. I'm not depressed. My mind is occupied by something that seems urgent but is probably less important than some of the other things I need to think about.
It makes me wonder if I somehow became chemically dependent on intense emotion and stress over the last year (or so.) I learned to manage and expect a certain level of emotional effort and when that slacked my system couldn't handle it. I felt depressed because I didn't have anything concrete to fight. Is that possible? That I wasn't depressed, I was just having trouble readjusting to a less intense level of emotional demand?
I don't know. A lot has happened that I do need to recover from. I could just really need to heal from our recent losses. Maybe having time to think meant having time to face those losses without distraction. Maybe now I'm excited because what's happening is exciting. Maybe it's simple, not twisted. Maybe this is a glimpse of a new and more fun future? I can't tell.
My mind is too blown by surprise and I can't tell what's happening.
So now there's this big explosion of intense activity and I feel vital again. I wonder if this is something akin to compulsive shopping - treating a problem with the wrong medicine, getting a distracting shot of excitement that won't help in the long term? I feel less crazy now but I wonder if it's just that my head is more accustomed to this heightened level of stimulation?
Maybe I should not think about it too much and just enjoy not feeling crappy. That is an option.
*Some of the things I thought would encourage a good attitude: regular exercise, healthy eating, keeping a reasonable schedule, getting enough sleep, having enough time to myself, giving myself treats when I felt like it, getting up to Vermont to be with nature, seeing friends when I could. I was doing that. I still felt lousy.
Okay, I didn't have the balance quite where I wanted it but it was close. It wasn't far off. Feeling crappy in spite of that made me wonder if it's even possible to intentionally effect one's mood. I felt like I was doing all the right things and my moods were still completely arbitrary. I didn't even want the treats.
So now I have a mood tracker notebook. I'm tracking barometric pressure, weather forecast, everything I eat and drink and when, physical activity, general activities (everything I do throughout the day) mood changes. Did I leave anything out? We'll see where that all gets me.