Lackadaisical

There are some good things about having too much crap to do. For one thing, you're too busy trying to get stuff done to become overwhelmed by the stuff you're failing to keep up with. For another thing, you don't have time to think about whether you "feel like" doing something. You have to do it right then or else it doesn't get done.

I am moving slow today because I'm under the impression that I can get away with that. CHRISTMAS IS OVER!!!! (Actually, it ran me over and I've got sleigh-marks in my back and bits of glass ornaments and candy cane shards embedded in my face. It's over but I still owe presents and cards. I am behind.) I'm spending today doing my Yayit'snolongerChristmas manicure (which I'd love to show you but I'm utterly failing at taking a reasonable photo of it. Maybe if I had Google Glass I could take a nice, hands-free photo of both of my hands. Hell, I'll just post a crappy photo:

See - not Christmasy at all.)

I'm also doing laundry, looking at way too much Facebook (boring) and generally poking around the apartment to no purpose. I cannot be bothered to care. It is conceivable that later this evening I'll get around to thinking about how the past year has gone (off the rails) and what kind of changes I want to make in the coming months. Will that be before or after I watch "The X-Files" and knit? Before or after I check to see if the kale I left in the fridge a week ago has rotted? Before or after I mix myself up a nice Manhattan? Only time will tell.

Here are the completed bourbon balls. Pete's dad and I are in his car waiting in the hotel parking lot for Pete's aunt to come down so we can all go to Pete's parents' house for Christmas Day festivities. As you can see, the balls are decorating the dashboard. 

Random photos from the past week:

Tripped on my run. Later, I banged my knee on the glass coffee table at my in-laws' house. My knees are still ridiculously bruised and black.

Random sheep figurine

Christmas manicure, left hand

Christmas manicure, right hand

The water was very nice. The skirt covers the enormous bandage on my knee.

Speaks for itself

I am under the impression that I have time for a lull so lulling I am. I didn't run today. I didn't buy any late Christmas gifts for Pete or my mom or my brother or anyone else I owe. I didn't go out and get New Years cards to send to people I'd wanted to send Christmas cards to. I didn't call anyone on the phone for post-Christmas debriefing. 

Maybe tomorrow I'll let my mind wander over to where the list of things I'm behind on is and start taking a poke at it. I imagine I'll go running. I'll balance the checkbook and pay the bills. I'll try to find a soju of the month club for my brother. I'll box up the gifts I got for people but didn't send. I'll light a fire under myself and try to spark the world again. Today is lost and it's mine to lose.

I Am That Guy

I am one of those people. A kind of person I NEVER thought I'd be. The kind of person I thought was an ascetic maniac.

I read about people who wake up at 5 AM and write every day because "that's when I can have time to myself." I thought that was nuts. I read about people who's ideal birthday involves getting out to go running first thing in the morning. Whacko! Only now that's me! I DO THOSE THINGS. How did this happen?

All of those things sounded like punishment for people who didn't like themselves very much. It's not a punishment at all. In fact it's a necessity for me to do those things so I can understand and process the things that happen to me. It is much more punishing to not do them. I seem to require them in order to stay reasonably sane and happy.

I've found over the years that I do tend to incorporate things I feared or didn't understand. For example, when I was a kid we used to go visit my dad's cousin's creepy farm in rural Virginia where they had wild snakes (not pets) in the basement (and occasionally in the kitchen) I absolutely didn't understand choosing to live like that. Now I have my own creepy farm and I LOVE snakes. I've never seen one in my kitchen but I wouldn't mind - it would help keep the mouse population down.

When I was around three years old I was at preschool. For Halloween they had a lady dressed as a witch come and hand out lollipops to all the kids (I feel like I've written about this before...) I was terrified and hid, crying, in my cubby. Now I think I am a witch, at least temperamentally. I totally understand why the Bad Fairy cursed Sleeping Beauty.

As for my other big childhood fears, I have not yet become Santa Claus or a monster under the bed (or a severed head in the toilet bowl) but I do feel like a clown sometimes.

There is SO MUCH in this life I fear or don't understand. I can never tell which of these things I'm going to embody. I only figure it out later. It makes me wonder what else I'm going to manifest.

I fear destroying things. I understand intellectually that you have to get rid of the old to make way for the new. For the most part I find that I don't have the internal fortitude to trash something that's still technically viable. I have too many old toothbrushes hanging around. Old sneakers that are flat on the inside - no support anymore - but without holes and not that dirty. They still look useful but they aren't really. Can I throw them away?

I know intellectually that sometimes it is more merciful and compassionate to cut something off and get rid of it and yet I'm too wimpy to follow through on that (Like I'll leave it to the snakes to take care of the mice) I wonder if someday I'll learn? Under what circumstances do you learn something like that?

I find that an exciting idea: to become the terrifying goddess you fear. I'm way too chicken to set out to do that on purpose though.

But, as I said, there a re a lot of things I fear or don't understand. Who is to say which of them will pop up in me next?

I'm At It Again

I can blog from the subway with this thing (phone)! While I'm commuting to work! So exciting - because I've got bees in my bonnet.

Do you ever feel like you're living in a ghost world? Everything around you has already changed irrevocably but it's still there. Nothing looks outwardly different but everything you live with, everything you're walking around is hollow or just a shadow. It's only a matter of time before all of it disappears.

If I had time to meditate today it would probably be one of those sessions where I'd just cry for half an hour. It's not that everything is so terrible - some things are great (like my meatloaf) Life is just so damned confusing.

Hearts kind of suck. They make you love stuff. People, creatures, situations, even objects. You have no control. You want things that are bad for you - AND good for you AT THE SAME TIME. How can you tell which? It doesn't matter which  because you can't have them anyway. Or you can and then it's a big mess. You love, then you lose! Then your stupid heart stops working altogether and you die! Who invented this crazy system? Absurd!

So many things going on all the time. Love, loss, joy, heartbreak, beauty, horror, ALL AT ONCE!

It's enough to make a gal just want to sit on the sofa, knit, and watch alternating episodes of "Miss Marple" and "The X-Files" while eating bon-bons and drinking single malt scotch for a month. 

Thank heaven I have this chocolate bar at my desk. 

That might calm me down. It's a known fact that chocolate causes a chemical reaction in the human brain that creates a direct connection to the stable "Astral Chocolate Plane" of The Universe. Known. Fact. 

Gotta go do stuff now. Chase papers around, find numbers 'n' stuff.

This Is What I Thought I Could Do

Hold on to your hats! "Creative" punctuation ahead - and a lot of gobbledygook. But then this is a blog.

One big thing that happened this year is that Pete and I entertained the idea of selling our place in Vermont and moving to Durham, North Carolina.

This was traumatic for me. It forced me to face the fact that I'd been undervaluing the things that weren't working in the way we'd been living our lives. It showed me that my dreams had turned out to be just that: unrealistic and impractical. I wanted to do too much with too little time and no help. Nuts!

In Vermont I have an artist's dream studio: plenty of square footage, a sink, a deck (! What artist even dreams of having a deck off their studio? For many artists even a sink is a dream) near but not in my house, safely accessible at all hours, very few distractions, surrounded by wildlife and incredible views. It's probably the best studio I'll ever have. How could I think of giving that up?

Because it's frigging lonely up there! We're too far from our friends and family. We keep having to travel so we can fulfill our family duties and charge our social batteries.

Every time I leave it upsets my creative rhythm which takes days to re-establish - a problem I couldn't figure out how to get around. Thanks to list-making I have been able to keep producing work I'm proud of. My dreams were rosier though. I thought that if I had a great studio and dedicated my time to my work that my productivity would take off. Maybe it would have but in all the years we've been there I have rarely been able to devote the unbroken stretches of time to my work that I thought I would.

Ultimately that's life. Nobody can just be an artist. Everybody has family and needs to eat lunch and gets interrupted by the details of life. Everybody knows that life is where art comes from.

But it wasn't just my art-making that got interrupted. I wasn't around enough for my garden either. I had dreams of turning our property into a verdant paradise of multiple garden rooms, fruit trees and a potager.

I also thought I was going to decorate the house beautifully and cook gourmet meals made with vegetables we'd grown ourselves.

What an insane fantasy! Look out - here we go... I'll whip up some pear and ginger scones to have with home made yogurt first thing in the morning for breakfast! After an hour's walk in the woods with Fay, it's off to my studio to paint and sew and sculpt and create installations that are in demand the world over! With Pete's help I'll spend a couple of hours tending to the weeding, pruning dead-heading and other garden maintenance. Then it's back to the sparklingly clean and tidy house with the flowers I've picked for an arrangement to decorate the entry room table (we don't have an entry room table) I'll make us a lovely cucumber and green bean salad with fresh dill from the garden and poached fish for lunch! Then back to the studio for more brilliant creations! Then I'll work out for an hour (gotta keep in shape!) then go to the mailbox to pick up the multi-thousand-dollar checks that arrive there daily and then play with Fay in the yard for another hour. Then it's back to the house to create a delicious gourmet dinner with fresh baked pie for dessert! Satisfied, Pete and I will share a nightcap on the patio by the fire pit, under the stars and I'll knit while we discuss the arts, culture and the latest issue of the "New Yorker." Then we'll retire and spend an hour or so before sleep catching up on reading those "New Yorker"s and about physics, philosophy, history, movements in art and technology etc. Then off  to a peaceful night's sleep full of fascinating, revelatory dreams (G-rated version)

Uhhhh... Smoke much?

In fact, no, that ridiculousness was the product of my own, unaltered mind. I did that all by myself! That's like a month-and-a-half's worth of activity I imagined I could pack into every day, not to mention my plans for Pete's assistance that I didn't consult him about. Not to mention expecting Fay to remain young and healthy. I mean, it took about a week to just read that paragraph, didn't it?

So yeah, that wasn't working out at all and I was FRUSTRATED about it. I was a FAILURE for FAILING to accomplish the IMPOSSIBLE. But I kept trying! It was like I was trying to live in a Thomas Kinkade painting or something - a literal, two-dimensional painting. I clawed into that dream for everything I was worth. It took me traumatic months to begin to release my grip on that baroque tableau.

You know, when I look at it that way I see that I actually accomplished a lot, all things considered. I just was never able to complete even one aspect of that fantasy. We're so backed up on the "New Yorker." I mean I could chip away at things. I did bake and grow things and make art and learn (A LOT) I just don't live in my own wet-dream of aesthetic/intellectual/domestic productivity. I don't have Hermione's time turner. If I did I'd probably use it to nap anyway.

So we may still move down to Durham somewhere down the line. I've been trying to spend more time in one place. I've been in Cambridge for the last couple of weeks trying to catch up with friends and figure out a rational plan for moving forward. That's hard for me. I still don't want to give up any of my activities and I want to get a full time job. Clearly something still has to give. I do think my expectations have changed though.

The number one thing I've come to terms with is that I can't provide myself with enough mental stimulation all on my own. I'll need to be around more people which means I should be based in the city. I'll have to trade the company of the critters for my sanity. I love the critters. And the beauty and the solitude. Something has to give.

So please wish me luck!

Ugh - I Can't See

The left lens in my glasses sucks. I'm not sure that sentence makes sense grammatically.

What I mean is that the coating they put on the lenses to prevent glare has disintegrated (only on the left lens) so it looks to my left eye as if there's dust or grease or something all over the lens. This has been going on for months but it happened kind of gradually so I was mostly used to it.

I'm in the process of getting my lenses replaced. I left my glasses off at the optometrist on Friday so they could put in the new lenses. Meanwhile I wore some sample contact lenses. It was so great to be able to see clearly for a change. I couldn't wait to get my glasses with new lenses back.

When I went to pick up my glasses yesterday it turned out that the lab had sent my new lenses in the wrong prescription. Now I'm back to my old, crappy lenses while I wait for a new batch of lenses to arrive. It should take about a week.

Of course after wearing those contacts all day yesterday I had grown accustomed to being able to see. Now I'm all discombobulated because all I see is a smear in my left eye. Nuisance! I keep blinking because I think my eye has gunk in it.

That said, the eyes are only on the outside of the body, the surface. The blindness that's bothering me the most right now is inside my head. I have brain blindness. This could also be called "issues."

I'm so confused right now. There have been so many changes in my life and in my perceptions of life in the last year or so. The future is looking pretty unusual too. Everything is topsy turvy inside. I can't tell if I'm seeing things for what they are or if what I see is overly colored by my emotions. In other words, do I feel uncomfortable because the situations in my life are challenging or are the situations in my life challenging because I feel uncomfortable about them? In either case is there something I could be doing to improve things?

I feel like I'm living submerged in a giant pot of beef stew. The broth is so thick that I can't see if what just hit me in the face is a pea or a piece of meat. Or perhaps I'm walking around with a sack over my head, bumping into or being pelted with things? I don't know and I don't know how to find out.

For now I'm just going to wait until something makes sense. I hope that will be soon but this being life, who can say?

Tremors

Well, it's the holidays and I'm already feeling overwhelmed by all of the stuff I have to do. How about you? I'm not even thinking about the gift shopping either (Gift shopping doesn't actually worry me - I'm a fantastic shopper)

There are also big changes pending in my life right now - things that might happen in the next year or so or not for a long time if at all. (That statement is so vague! That's how things always are and we just try not to think about it) Despite my discomfort with the way things have been going lately these changes have me worried that I might lose some things about my life that I love (And how obvious is that? That is the nature of change. We're always afraid that the things that come into our lives after a change aren't going to be as good as the things we don't have anymore)

In short, SHAKY GROUND!!!!! AAAAAAAA!!!

I feel like I'm less resilient than I used to be. Just when I'm feeling pretty good some dumb thing happens and I'm smacked back into the dumps. I feel like I used to be able to shrug off setbacks more easily, that I didn't take things as hard as I do now.

I vaguely remember hearing (reading?) a story about a study someone did on rats. The theory being tested was that rats that survive through really difficult circumstances are the toughest rats. The study found that the surviver rats had been the toughest rats before their ordeals. After their ordeals they were just stressed-out, depleted rats.

Perhaps I feel like a depleted rat?

Well, nothing I can do about that now. I just have to wait and see what develops and get cracking on the tasks I've set for myself. At least I can wear a cotton-candy-scented wig while I'm at it.

It's Dread Season

Today was the first warm day of the year, both in Boston and in Vermont (at least, the first warm day I've experienced up north this year)

I think that's why I was feeling doom-y all day. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I even had a nice day planned - lunch with my sister-in-law followed by a trip to Penzey's spice store. My kind of fun and yet I just felt this strong undercurrent of dread. I didn't sweat it too much since it's not entirely unfamiliar. I just went on with my day and we had a good time.

Throughout the day I actually got a lot of green lights. Literally. I made all kinds of traffic lights that are usually red when I get to them. Things went really smoothly today. Still I couldn't shake the unease.

On the drive up to Vermont I suddenly realized that I'm scared of summer. I wish I was joking but I'm not.

I have a friend who hates New Years. She says it's not about her getting older, it's about change and the passing of time, about good things going away. I wonder if my fear of summer is something like that? I mean there are plenty of practical reasons why summer is not a good season for me (sunburn, humidity, especially delicious blood...)but none that explain the dread.

No matter though. Tonight Pete and I sat out on our patio with a couple of beers and some wasabi cheetos. We listened to the first owls and spring peepers, saw the first bats circling overhead, watched the half moon disappear behind rain clouds rolling in and felt unexpected zephyrs waft by. I began to come to terms with the oncoming change of seasons. I still felt as though doom is coming my way but I kind of got fed up and yelled out loud, "well okay then, come and get me!" That made me feel better. That and the nature and remembering the things I like about summer.

Mixed Bag

I was furious for most of today. I was supposed to go have dinner with Michaela tonight but I woke up with a cold.  GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!  We haven't met in ages, in part because it's been mud season and she couldn't get off her mountain (the roads were too bad)  Also because I couldn't eat or drink anything but crackers and water.

This cold was a real disappointment because I feel like I've been taking care of myself.  I've been eating mostly normally again for about a week.  I haven't been drinking much alcohol.  I've been mostly at home, going to bed at a decent hour, meditating and doing yoga, working steadily but not trying to overdo it.

We had a party for Pete's birthday this past Saturday (if you weren't invited, check your junk mail folder - or else it was an oversight.  We went retro and invited people by e-mail)  That night I had two beers and went to bed at around 2:30 AM (I also had a really fun time) The next morning we got up at 9:30 and had brunch with some other friends.  That's it for any kind fun activity.  No craziness at all.

Short of not getting out of bed at all, I don't know how much easier I can take it.  I guess I haven't been that sick lately.  There was the hell flu in January then the food poisoning and now this.  That's a lot for me though.  It makes me wonder if Life is trying to tell me something. Couldn't it just send me an e-mail or post it on my wall or something?  Yes, I do need it spelled out for me!  Thank you!

I've been stressing a little about getting my painting done in time for Friday.  It's very almost there.  I got some stretchers for it so it has support now.  The only problem is that the painting doesn't fit in the car when it's on the stretchers.  I'm going to have to take it apart to get it to the show and reassemble it on site.  Wish me luck.

In floral news, I succumbed to the charms of yet another grocery store plant.  This time it's a gardenia.  Gardenia is one of my favorite smells.  I've been lucky enough to have gone to Trader Vic's more than once.  At Trader Vic's every lady gets a gardenia blossom in her drink.  Gardenia blossoms are few and far between in my experience.

Too bad this isn't smelevision.

The problem with gardenia bushes in New England is that they are very sensitive.  The first time I bought one it got too cold on the way from the market into my house.  I just drove from the market to my house (five minutes) and carried it in the house.  All the nice,  fat buds fell off the plant.

So you pretty much have to time your Gardenia acquisition to a day when it's well over freezing outside. This gardenia is also very thirsty.  It needs to be watered every other day or so.  Conventional wisdom for house plants (as far as I know) is that you water them once a week.  I left this plant for four days last week and when I got back it had collapsed.  I had watered it the day I left.  It has recovered with no ill effects, hallelujah.  Next time I go back to Cambridge this plant is going with me.  Like a pet.

So far both plants are doing well.  They're both showing new growth.  I have high hopes for them making it past the last frost date and out into planters on my patio.

Overall I feel that I've come to terms with today.  I didn't get to see my friend and I feel physically uncomfortable but so far so good with my painting and my flowers are pretty and smell nice.  I can be at peace with that.  March, the vilest month of the year, is almost over (I hope it doesn't kick my ass for saying that)  Maybe April will be more fun.  You never know.

Farewell to you all, from Puffs Plus Mountain!

Ain't That Too Bad?

I'm having one of those moments where I know I have zero clue.

I was just looking out the window into the back yard at what appears to be a path through the snow-filled woods behind our house.  I know that there isn't really a path there, the way just looks like it's clear.  If I were to go out and try to walk on that "path" there would in fact be all kinds of rocks and fallen branches, probably some brambles and definitely soft patches in the snow that would trip me and send me face first into a nearby tree or something. Trip!  Wham! Blink, blink blink... snow all over my face, sticks in my hair.

That is exactly how I feel about life right now.  I feel like I'm walking around with a bag over my head and I can't see where I'm going or if/when I'm going to bump into something.

Only I can see.  I can see beautiful things and sad things and neutral things.  I just can't see the route to take that would be the most beneficial.

I want some answers!  I want explanations!  I want to know!  Ain't that too bad?

I know you're supposed to "enjoy the ride" but I find that hard to do when there are so many sudden smacks in the face along the way.  It's enough to make a girl want to just get right back in bed.

It's not even like I have a well thought out plan that I'm putting in motion.  I'm just going to the studio every day to work.  I don't have massive goals to thwart.  Why do I feel like I'm about to fall down a hole?

Post/Note/Hope

On this, the last day of NaBloPoMo 2010, wouldn't it be great if I wrote something thoughtful and insightful?  Yes it would.  This isn't that post though.  Maybe later if we're all lucky.

So far today has been completely ordinary (except that Pete got up before I did - that's unusual) and I'm feeling hard pressed to think of a subject to write about at all.

Speaking of writing, I really enjoyed NaNoWriMo.  I hope that I can keep up the writing habit.  I don't know if I have two hours every day to commit to writing though.  Hopefully I can swing one hour.

I'm not sure that the writing habits I got into this month were the best for me.  I know I did a lot of padding (you know- used a lot of words I knew I didn't need) in my attempt to reach the 50,000 word mark.  I guess I usually edit myself more as I go when I write.

Well this is working a different way and it's important to try new things.  Now I can try editing myself afterwards.  Maybe I'll do a better job now that those thoughts have been floating around in my head for a month.

Anyway, I probably only got into the "edit as you go" thing because I'd put off my assignment till the last minute and didn't have time to edit later.  Not the greatest way to get into a lifelong habit.  Yup, it's important to try new things.

I don't know if I'll try to do both NaBloPoMo and NaNoWriMo at the same time again.  I think the blog suffered.  It got less time, attention and thought than it normally would in November.  I hope I haven't alienated anyone with my uninspired posts this month.  If I have they probably aren't reading my apology right now, huh?

Okay, I'll knock off the rambling and move on with my day now.  Thanks for your patience, assuming you're still reading,
xoxo,
Mel

P.S. Now I'm really excited to take my novel into my studio and move it into it's next incarnations: comic books, videos, paintings and sculptures.  Even farther into the future I hope, a video game.

Lame NaBloPoMo Post

The food around here is incredible.

Yesterday we ate at a barbeque place called "The Pig."  Whoa it was good!  I got a little video but I don't have time to get it together for posting today.  Alex made dinner last night - Thai - and it was wicked good.  Olivia made a pear and grape pie but we were too full to have any last night.

Olivia and I had pie for lunch.

Tonight for dinner Pete and I met up with his band-mates.  They're starting off a tour tonight here in Carrboro.  We went to probably the best Indian place I've ever been to, Vimala's Curry Blossom Café.  Yow!  The food is beautifully cooked with local ingredients.  It's so fresh tasting and not the least bit heavy or greasy.  Very good pre-rocking food.  Not that I'm doing any rocking except in the audience.

I'm going back home tomorrow so I should have more time to write better blog posts - at least until I go to California to be with Mom for Thanksgiving.

Almost November

Well, it's almost November and you know what that means: NaBloPoMo.  This year it also means NaNoWriMo.  I'm going writing bonkers!

I'm really excited about writing the novel.  My plan is to write whatever the hell comes out - any goddamned thing.  I'm looking for a wild, bumpy ride.  That will probably work for two days and on day three I'll have nothing going on and think "what the hell did I get myself into?" and there I'll be.

I've been reading Stephen King's On Writing and enjoying it very much.  Yesterday I was very pleased and relieved to discover that he feels it's unwise to begin with a plot in mind.  I don't think I've ever written anything with a plot.  I'm a short story girl as far as writing goes.  It's easy to get away without a plot with those.  I certainly don't have a plot in mind now.  Characters yes, plot no.

Of course he does suggest you start with a situation as well as characters.  Hopefully a situation will come to me.

I'm having all these elaborate fantasies of coming up with something really amazing.  This project will be the magic bullet that will expose my awesome insides to The World and all kinds of interesting people will find that they want me to be their new best friend.  Yeah!  I think that with every project I start.  I also think I'll win the lottery.

Mini Lists

H. pylori

I can't solve other peoples' problems

I don't do very well with my own problems either

Fay's new nickname is "Crumbles"

Heat pumps north of Virginia

My new hat

Perfume

Good friends

Cute

Persistence

Exercise

Making

Fay Really Is A Senior Citizen

Did you ever see that Simpsons episode where Bart goes to the doctor and is given greasy salve for his scalp, eyeglasses, orthopedic shoes and a throat spray? (It's episode 509 from season 5 where Homer loves Mindy) That's the kind of day Fay had yesterday.

I took her in to the vet because she had a goopy eye. She came out about an hour and a half later with three new eye medications, ear drops and antiseptic wipes. She's also just started to take three cranberry extract capsules a day and I'm supposed to get her a mouth rinse. This is in addition to the four other medications she's already on.

Some meds she gets three times a day, some twice, some once and one she gets every other day. This boils down to her needing attention every four hours except when she needs attention in two hours. It only took me one list, two rough drafts, a fistful of magic markers and a half an hour to figure out when to give what. The final working draft is pictured above. I may even make another once I've ironed out the best order in which to give everything.

You might think that she's a complete basket case but you'd be mistaken. She's using her legs better than ever (well, since her disease manifested). She can stand up and walk around for several minutes at a time. She's every bit as bossy, demanding, endearing and hungry as she's always been. She's pretty much fine, minus a bit of wear and tear.

Nothing Much

Finally I'm beginning to make things again. Perhaps soon this will lead to me having a coherent thought about something?

I can dream.

Till then I'm off to go watch On Demand mysteries.

Later!

Still No Car Photos

Ms. Observant just noticed that she never posted one word about the closing on her house.

I'll tell you right now we were a little bit sad but overwhelmingly relieved. It was a great house and we loved living there. Now we don't live there and that's completely okay. It's not even a little bit weird, possibly because we still haven't had time to think about it too much.

If we go on like this we might not ever think it's weird!

One thing I may have learned (you know how slippery lessons can be) is that I don't want to live in a big house again. I'd live in a sort-of big house as long as I could afford to have someone else come and clean it regularly.

Since we still have Vermont (with a clogged sink in the bathroom upstairs among other things) we still have maintenance issues and plenty of them. But maybe we've cut them in half. We no longer have tenants and that's a load off.

Of course you can't shirk all of life's hassles. Then you'd be dead - or as good as. I can dream though.

My dream: Making making making all day long, only stopping to eat, have fun with interesting people, play with my dog, go swimming in the ocean (or have a snowball fight or something) read a book, learn some languages, garden, meet more interesting people, daydream, nap...okay, there'd be a fair amount of stopping. Let's call it fifty-fifty, making plus activities.

Enough daydreaming. Time to strategize for the future! (And eat a piece of apple pie)

Sorry About The Gap

Wow, it's been over a month since I last posted. Sorry about that. Here's a post for today. I can't swear that this marks the start of a posting roll though.

All of us east coasters (Pete, Fay and I) are back from CA. Dad's surgery went well though we haven't received the biopsy results yet. We even managed to have some fun.

Mom and I did some shopping and went to the beach. Dad took us all to the hang glider/parasailing launch point near the Salk Institute. The young 'uns went to the Whaling Bar more than once.

Here's a not very informative photo of the Whaling Bar. In real life to the right of the white flowers in the picture is another room the mirror image of the one you can see only it's all dining room, no bar. That room has a fireplace flanked by life-sized ceramic leopards.

Don't let me forget Mr. Taco! I went there at least three times.

I also fell in love with a car. I never thought it would happen to me. Pete took some pictures which I hope to post soon.

Fay even had a good time mooching off of extra people and terrorizing her doggie cousins (my brother and Sarah's dogs) John is an Australian Cattle Dog and Atlas is a Golden Retriever. If there was food around Fay would try to kill them. Fortunately for her they were very nice and ran away from her. They were terrified of her.

The only reason I can think of for their fear of her is that they have no clue in hell what she is - I mean, she's a fraction of their size. Sometimes she has wheels, sometimes she drags herself around at top speed like a seal. She's incontinent and on so much medication I imagine she smells really weird to them. Plus she's crazy fierce - like a lunatic. That's got to be intimidating. She's also unpredictable: most of the time she's peaceful and friendly. I don't think they clued in to the fact that she was only homicidal around food. I just wish I'd got some video (it's not video, it's not "footage," what is it - a movie?) of her in action for her neurologist who would have been very proud of her.

I'm sure I've mentioned this before but California always weirds me out. Maybe it's my own sense of unworthiness, like I think this place is too beautiful for me to ever belong there. I don't know, it's beautiful but it's awfully built up and paved. Maybe it's just that the topography and climate are so unlike what is familiar to me. I just feel when I'm there that nothing is real.

I wonder if I put extra pressure on California because I think I'll probably live there one day? I didn't think any of those things about other places like Santorini or Ireland or Rome or St. Lucia or Vero Beach. Well I'm not going to figure it out tonight.

So now that our major events of the first half of 2009 are over - the house is gone and I'm back from California - well, now what's going to happen? Now what am I going to do?

A Trade In Flesh

Hi there.  I hope you will allow me to introduce myself.  I am Melissa Winter Weiss and I am a person.

Maybe this has always been the case and I'm only just noticing but it seems to me that there's a huge marketing fad going on now.  People are branding themselves.  There appears to be a segment of the world's population who think it's really important to become a product that they can market.  

What's more they have no interest in interacting with other people who are not so conveniently packaged.  The belief is that if you aren't branding yourself then you're missing the boat and aren't on the ball enough to talk to. 

Well I'll save them the time of bothering with me.  I'M NOT A PRODUCT.   I'm a person and I like it that way.  I don't fit in a package with a hip, eye-catching label.  What's more I am not interested in becoming any such object. 

It's like personality anorexia or something.  One must have to shave off, ignore or disown all sorts of facets of one's psyche to become a marketable product.  It takes a lot of effort but if one keeps focused on one's brand one is free to ignore one's more inconvenient traits.  This allows one to see oneself more simply and with fewer misgivings.  One would concentrate on refining the product - the marketable aspects of oneself - and present to the world this unified object, free of human shortcomings.  

That sounds like a disorder to me.

I am a person.  You have to spend time with me to begin to understand what I am.  It takes time and effort and you won't know until you've spent it whether it was worth it or not.  I can't be encapsulated.  I will not curl up into a ball so that someone may consume me more easily.  To be honest I don't believe I'm capable of it.  Maybe that's why this is all so frustrating to me.  Maybe I would if I could.

I want attention too.  I want people to think I'm interesting.  I can't invent a short cut to that end though.  I'm difficult and I will be difficult.

There it is.  I'll just let all those speeding balls of product roll on by me into the glittering future and do what I do in the dowdy backwater of now.

My Pal, The Void

I sent Pete to San Francisco this morning.  The dude seriously needed a vacation.  I hope he takes one - vacation requires a certain state of mind.  He'll be back Tuesday and I'm hoping he'll bring some healthy new perspective with him.  At least I hope he'll take a break from thinking about all the things that are stressing him out.

As for me I have work to do.  Life is distracting me though.  There are lots of extremely unusual things going on in our lives and that can be a little disconcerting.  None of it's bad.

For example we're making new friends and meeting new people.  It's something I want to do but don't usually know how to do.  I find it very easy to stay in and work on my own things and think my own thoughts.  It's harder for me to come out and engage with other people.  It takes extra effort that I'm not used to expending.  As my old pal Alex would say though, it's good for me.

We're also thinking about finally selling the Brookline house were we've lived since 1991 and moving into a closet in a totally different neighborhood.  We're very excited by this idea.  We'd have no tenants, no snow removal and a lot less stuff.  Hopefully we'd also have more money.

Things are moving forward in my art career.  In addition, I'm setting up an Etsy shop.  These two facts are making me rethink the things I'm making and the way I make them.  

At the same time I'm going through the normal processes that artists go through as their work changes.  Things in the studio become even more unpredictable than usual at times like this.  You can't be sure if the hours you spent working were productive or not and you may not find out for months.  Sometimes it takes years for certain ideas you start to become fruitful.  Of course you could also be skipping down a blind alley.

All of this can be a little uncomfortable but I'm really getting a kick out of it.  At least I am now while I'm writing this post.  It's a bit of a wild ride if you want to look at it that way.  Which way is up?  Which way is forward?  Who can say?  

I wonder if this Void has a taco stand?  I'm hungry.

Power

The drive down to Brookline on Saturday morning was incredible. I've seen ice storms before but not like this one. Everything you could see was glazed with a thick coating of ice. Like the Pyrex fairy had run amok. The forested hills were white with sparkling ice.

Along the roadsides all the trees were bent over, their branches drooping under the ice's weight. Huge, tall trees bent over to the ground. It looked like the roads were lined with giant frozen fountains or as if massive tidal waves of ice were about to crash over the road and obliterate the cars.

It was outrageously beautiful and astonishingly threatening. It was as if nature was saying "Look at my glory! Nothing is more beautiful than I am! I will wipe you off the face of the earth if I care to"

No one had power, only a few gas stations were open. In one small town cars were lined up for a mile and a half down both sides of the road to get in to the only working gas station for twenty miles. I'd never seen traffic on that stretch before.

Down in Boston everything was completely normal. Pete's band's Christmas party was scheduled for that night so he was hoping I could stay and go to the party. Our Vermont neighbors had offered to watch the fires for us so we took them up on it for Saturday night and I stayed in Brookline.

Pete decided to take the next fire-tending shift so on Sunday he went up north. About half an hour after he arrived, at about 7:30 PM, the power came on. Two days early! Thanks again CVPS!

So now Fay and I are back up in Vermont too. On Monday it was a balmy forty five degrees out. Today it's snowing again. My friend Michaela lives on a mountain top just outside of Brattleboro. Her power is still out and is likely to be out until tomorrow. I heard on the radio today that over one-hundred thousand "customers" in New Hampshire still don't have power.

Modern Western life is so much easier when the power and the plumbing are working normally. Unfortunately we know that we Westerners use power at an unsustainable rate. It's very likely that in the somewhat near future we're going to have to learn to live differently. Obviously it's possible to do - we've only been using electricity for a tiny fraction of human history. But wow, what a change that's going to be. God help us if it's a sudden change forced on us by uncontrolled events rather than a decision we make on our own.

In the mean time I'm going to try to remember to shower whenever I can and to keep the car full of gas!