I Don't Know And It's Okay

You know that Tolkien quote, "Not all those who wander are lost"? Well I am. That's okay though because not all those who are lost need to know where they are.

So put that in your pipe and smoke it! Ha!

Control Your Punctuation, Maybe?

And another thing:

I was thinking about this while I was on the treadmill today trying to harness my mind into thinking about something useful while my body was busy doing something I wasn't especially comfortable thinking about: (double colons! Triple "thinkings!" That can't be good...) I was thinking* about resolutions and goals for the upcoming months. Like sticking to a budget and being tidier. It occurred to me that my resolutions and goals tend to be about me controlling myself.

Whoa Nellie! Control yourself! It's a slippery slope! Better watch it or you'll wipe out! As usual!

It occurred to me that maybe that wasn't such a good idea. Maybe it would be more fair, more reasonable if you're going to tighten up somewhere, to loosen up somewhere else? But where can a goofball like me afford to loosen up? I do not know. I'll have to think about it. Anybody have any thoughts?


*Another one!

I Am That Guy

I am one of those people. A kind of person I NEVER thought I'd be. The kind of person I thought was an ascetic maniac.

I read about people who wake up at 5 AM and write every day because "that's when I can have time to myself." I thought that was nuts. I read about people who's ideal birthday involves getting out to go running first thing in the morning. Whacko! Only now that's me! I DO THOSE THINGS. How did this happen?

All of those things sounded like punishment for people who didn't like themselves very much. It's not a punishment at all. In fact it's a necessity for me to do those things so I can understand and process the things that happen to me. It is much more punishing to not do them. I seem to require them in order to stay reasonably sane and happy.

I've found over the years that I do tend to incorporate things I feared or didn't understand. For example, when I was a kid we used to go visit my dad's cousin's creepy farm in rural Virginia where they had wild snakes (not pets) in the basement (and occasionally in the kitchen) I absolutely didn't understand choosing to live like that. Now I have my own creepy farm and I LOVE snakes. I've never seen one in my kitchen but I wouldn't mind - it would help keep the mouse population down.

When I was around three years old I was at preschool. For Halloween they had a lady dressed as a witch come and hand out lollipops to all the kids (I feel like I've written about this before...) I was terrified and hid, crying, in my cubby. Now I think I am a witch, at least temperamentally. I totally understand why the Bad Fairy cursed Sleeping Beauty.

As for my other big childhood fears, I have not yet become Santa Claus or a monster under the bed (or a severed head in the toilet bowl) but I do feel like a clown sometimes.

There is SO MUCH in this life I fear or don't understand. I can never tell which of these things I'm going to embody. I only figure it out later. It makes me wonder what else I'm going to manifest.

I fear destroying things. I understand intellectually that you have to get rid of the old to make way for the new. For the most part I find that I don't have the internal fortitude to trash something that's still technically viable. I have too many old toothbrushes hanging around. Old sneakers that are flat on the inside - no support anymore - but without holes and not that dirty. They still look useful but they aren't really. Can I throw them away?

I know intellectually that sometimes it is more merciful and compassionate to cut something off and get rid of it and yet I'm too wimpy to follow through on that (Like I'll leave it to the snakes to take care of the mice) I wonder if someday I'll learn? Under what circumstances do you learn something like that?

I find that an exciting idea: to become the terrifying goddess you fear. I'm way too chicken to set out to do that on purpose though.

But, as I said, there a re a lot of things I fear or don't understand. Who is to say which of them will pop up in me next?

In Honor

In honor of our friend who passed today, I post (again?) the recipe I use for for Cincinnati Chili, to which he introduced us (my comments in parenthesis) I'll likely be cooking up a big batch tomorrow.

Cincinnati Empress Chili

For the chili:

2 lbs. ground beef 

1 qt.  water  (4 cups)

1  & 1/2 t. allspice

1 garlic clove (I used more of course)

2 bay leaves

2 diced onions

dash worcestershire

1  can (6oz) tomato paste

1 T. salt

1/2 t. cayenne

1 & 1/2 t.  black pepper

3 T. chili powder (though I used less than 1T because I ran out and it still came out well)

1 t. cinnamon

1/2 t. cumin

1 T. vinegar

spaghetti - make a pretty fair amount 

Toppings:

orange cheddar cheese grated

kidney beans

chopped onions

oyster crackers

Tabasco sauce

Put the water in a large pot or hotpot.  Crumble meat into the water (yes, raw)  and add all the other chili ingredients.  Bring to a boil then simmer at least one hour and for as long as three hours.  Remove garlic and bay leaves.  (or leave in the garlic and mash it if you’re me)  Serve over spaghetti with your choice of toppings.

Serves six or so

Godspeed, dear friend! We'll never forget you!

Marathon-y

My big plans for today were to go downtown and get myself a new fleece from the Patagonia store and to get new pants to wear to work. I've been running enough that my old pants are all too big. Or else their seats are worn out and you can see light through them when you try to put them on. Classy.

HOWEVER, the Red Sox won the World Series (Go Sox!) and today is the big parade. All over town.

I'm keeping track of public transportation via Twitter and things are a mess. It actually sounds worse than the usual marathon crowd. They're closing T stations (and re-opening them) to control crowds. I'm feeling a bit thwarted. I wanted to get an early start and I was foiled. Oh well.

With uncanny luck, I'm supposed to meet Lisa downtown, just like we tend to do on Patriots Day. We're meeting at 1:00 so hopefully things will have wound down by then. Come to think of it, maybe I should leave now so I'm sure to be there on time.

The weather is fantastic for this kind of thing though. Sixty-ish degrees and sunny, not too windy. A lot of people I know are down by the parade route soaking in the jubilation. I'm not feeling jubilant I'm afraid.

Actually, this morning I checked in with my friend - I don't know what to call it! Our friend whose husband (who is also our friend) is dying. What do you call that? Dying Friend Family? Pool of Pain and Misery? Ouchland? @#$%$&*-ville? (And of course it's not all bad - there are levels of beauty and grace and love to it too but it still HURTS LIKE @$^#%*& and is really, really hard - I mean I don't want to oversimplify) She asked me what I was doing today and everything I could think of to say felt so stupid and trivial and like I should just go over there and take her kid out to play.

So I don't know. I guess I'll just go outside and see where the day takes me. I can get a fleece tomorrow if I need to. I could just order one online if it comes to that. Sigh.

Good luck to you today, however your day goes.

I'm At It Again

I can blog from the subway with this thing (phone)! While I'm commuting to work! So exciting - because I've got bees in my bonnet.

Do you ever feel like you're living in a ghost world? Everything around you has already changed irrevocably but it's still there. Nothing looks outwardly different but everything you live with, everything you're walking around is hollow or just a shadow. It's only a matter of time before all of it disappears.

If I had time to meditate today it would probably be one of those sessions where I'd just cry for half an hour. It's not that everything is so terrible - some things are great (like my meatloaf) Life is just so damned confusing.

Hearts kind of suck. They make you love stuff. People, creatures, situations, even objects. You have no control. You want things that are bad for you - AND good for you AT THE SAME TIME. How can you tell which? It doesn't matter which  because you can't have them anyway. Or you can and then it's a big mess. You love, then you lose! Then your stupid heart stops working altogether and you die! Who invented this crazy system? Absurd!

So many things going on all the time. Love, loss, joy, heartbreak, beauty, horror, ALL AT ONCE!

It's enough to make a gal just want to sit on the sofa, knit, and watch alternating episodes of "Miss Marple" and "The X-Files" while eating bon-bons and drinking single malt scotch for a month. 

Thank heaven I have this chocolate bar at my desk. 

That might calm me down. It's a known fact that chocolate causes a chemical reaction in the human brain that creates a direct connection to the stable "Astral Chocolate Plane" of The Universe. Known. Fact. 

Gotta go do stuff now. Chase papers around, find numbers 'n' stuff.

Persevere

I guess this is what I'm trying to do. I did "favorite" this tweet after I re-tweeted it. Guess I'll go Facebook it now.

Life Is Short And I Don't Know How To Do It

If the post below seems a bit lackluster it's because my heart wasn't really in it. It was the post I'd planned to write on Sunday but I ran out of time. I don't really have time to write this post now. I just got off of work, I'm still at my desk and I'm expected somewhere else in forty-five minutes. That said, I gotta do what I gotta do.

We have a dear friend who is unlikely to be with us for much longer. This is what's really on my mind today.

Did I write yet that I've realized that you don't like your friends, you love them? Probably. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. It's very difficult knowing that this vibrant person with such a unique mind, so much talent, so much love and appreciation for life will be leaving us. We won't have him around to inspire us, to chew the fat with, to enjoy a great meal with. We won't have the distinct pleasure of his company.

There have been times in my life where I've felt as if everything I love was going away. Of course for me it wasn't true. My friend is really being taken away from EVERYTHING he loves. He doesn't want to go. It's so hard to see him fight with this. I can't make him feel better. Pete can't make him feel better. His beloved wife can't make him feel better.

God, it hurts so much.

And it makes me want to LIVE. It makes me want to throw caution to the wind and just GO. Buy shoes I can't afford, throw a HELL of a Halloween party, tell all my friends how much I love them, smooch people I shouldn't (decorum be damned!) plan a trip to Hawaii, quit my job and drive across country, eat A LOT of chocolate, run outside in the wind, swim in the ocean. It makes me want to be extravagant.

I'm usually prudent by nature and very careful of the needs and wishes of others. These tendencies calm me down, cool me off. I would like to be extravagant but I'm not sure I'd dare in the long run. People can appreciate lavishness from time to time but full-on extravagance is overwhelming, bunch of Yankees that most of us are around here. The truth is, too, that as an introvert I'm not sure I could muster the energy for constant extravagance.

I wonder if there's a way to be extravagant in spurts? Then run away to my secret cave when the repercussions hit? Then, energy restored by solitude, jump out and scare the pants off of everyone with more effusiveness. Sounds psycho. Sounds counter-productive. 

All of those things seem pretty stupid and trivial too. (I don't think Pete would be on board with the smooching part either) What is trivial though? I don't know. What's important? Maybe those stupid little things, the things that are fun and that we enjoy are necessary components of a great life and not trivial in the least?

I want to live without reins. I bet I won't though. I want to celebrate life. I might buy the shoes and I'll certainly try to throw a HELL of a Halloween party.

Another thing I've been thinking about, and I'm pretty sure I've already mentioned it here (possibly around this time last year) is that you get to keep the love. When our friend is gone we'll still have his love for us and our love for him. That is comforting to me. I hope it's the same for him, wherever he ends up. Dear friend.

I Get To Run

One reason I love running is that it's a vote for me.  When I run it feels like a new start each time. It feels like anything in my life is possible.

I am looking so hard for a new path. There has been so much change in my life over the last few years. Most of it has felt like hard pruning. Only one or two things have felt like water or sunshine or fertilizer. I wonder if I've been moved to a different location in the garden and I just haven't noticed yet?

For you non-gardeners, before you move a plant you cut it back drastically. You have to do that because when you dig it up you will inevitably chop off a lot of the root system. If you don't cut a significant portion of the top off the remaining roots can't sustain the plant and it will fail. Once the root system re-establishes itself the green stuff grows back.

So maybe I've had my tops cut off and my roots disturbed and I can't tell where I am yet.

I've been trying a lot of new things. I've been looking for the next direction. I feel like I'm being blown all over the place and the next direction is, well, all over the place. Things start then stop. Things look good then they just die out. Something will work for a bit but I know it's temporary and I'll have to figure out something else soon. Some things are just obviously wrong. I get discouraged sometimes. I'll get it eventually - I think - but it seems to be taking so long and I seem to get so much wrong.

Then I get to go running. I start over. I run my head into a pulp and wake my body the hell up. My lungs pump, my blood flows, I sweat, my nose runs (TMI!) My bones, tissues, ligaments get a good pounding on my terms. Life flows through me again. I'm new.

I can let go of the mistakes and miss-steps. I've cleared out the debris and can see a way to keep trying to move forward. I can find a way past the things that fell and blocked my path - at least the next immediate step, even if it doesn't turn out to be a good, long stretch of road.

Roads, paths, prunings, wind. It's all very confusing. What is the analogy here? Life isn't coherent so why should I have to be? Here's the analogy: complete tumult. And then I get to run.

Outta Here!

Sometimes running away can feel SO good.

Like you're at a party or a show. You've been having a nice time. Your friends are there, the conversation's been fun, everything's fine. Then all of a sudden you just kind of fall out of step. You're done. Suddenly you spot the door out of the corner of your eye and you feel like it winked at you.

"Hey there door, looking good."

Do you say goodbye to everybody? Nope. Just a couple of people - maybe. Depends on how crowded it is. You grab your coat, three steps, out the door and into the night. The door swings shut behind you.

"Whoo." Big exhale. Look up at the moon. Feel relief. Breathe in, smile a little, maybe shake your head. Thank your lucky stars you're alone again.

That's how I do it at least.

Good Enough

Yesterday would have been Fay's fifteenth birthday. I still can't believe she's gone. 

This time last year was really hard. I won't go into it, I didn't at the time. Things are a bit better now in that I've had time to get used to the changes that have occurred. And then, of course, there's all the new stuff that's happened since then.

Which isn't to say that I'm fine with it all. Things are what they are and there's oftentimes no point in having an opinion about them. It can be hard NOT to have an opinion though. 

I'm finding lately that it's pretty easy to see the utter impermanence of life, of human reality. We're Life's rag dolls. We think we have choices and some kind of control. We can keep telling ourselves that. 

I suppose I should feel grateful for the way summer seems to come through and take things and people from me. It always seems to happen in the late summer. Summer has to be so damned hot and uncomfortable and bossy and take-y. But I should be grateful because it shows me what's real, what's true and I can't get away from it.

Now I just have to figure out what, if anything, I can do about it. More accurately, the best ways to cope with it. Not denial and not closing down. I can try for acceptance but you can't even control that. It seems I can't accept anything till I'm good and ready. I can never tell when that's going to be. People tell you to "let go" but you just can't until all of a sudden you just do. It's such a mystery to me.

Is the only thing for it just to keep bumbling through, doing my best? Probably. I sure can't count on my brain to remind me of all the lessons I've learned over the years. That's for the best too though - a lot of what I've learned is wrong! You know, I just took the wrong message from the things I've experienced. We all do it, poor, sad fleshbags that we are.

Well, now I'll go glue some stuff to some sticks. Why not? It's as good a thing to do as anything else. Then I'll go have cocktails and Indian food with Pete and my friend, Michaela. Sounds good.

It Has Been a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG Time

I am in a really great mood today and it has been a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time since that's been the case. Long time.

I think it might be the weather. It was forty-five degrees in Cambridge yesterday morning and forty-five again this morning in Vermont. I, myself, am absolutely shocked by the improvement this makes in my mood.

I know I hate summer. I've never liked it, now I hate it. I know this. I just didn't realize how demoralizing it is to me. Joie de vivre completely eludes me in the summer. Without my being aware of it, day to day life becomes about endurance.

That sounds so dramatic. It doesn't feel dramatic when I live it, it just feels like ordinary life. Until it stops and I feel like a bird released from underneath a black plastic tarp. Glory! The sky! The air! I can soar again!

How often do you go through your day wondering "why am I like this?" I do it all the time. (Not just about summer.)

I am very excited about today. I'm going to do laundry and make stuff in my studio. Then I might garden and I might dye my hair. No doubt I will wash the kitchen sink. Maybe later I'll drink some blackberry moonshine and have a fire in the fire pit. These are not exciting things and yet I am so excited.

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

City Stuff

I am hearing the unmistakable braying of a beagle in the parking lot behind our apartment right now. I love that sound. Beagles are the most awesome pain in the ass dogs you can get! Noisy, unruly, escapey and adorable. Love that sound. Not a breed I'd choose for this urban an area but then I don't know everything.

It reminds me of a couple of other lovely city experiences I had in the last couple of days.

Sunday was No Pants Day on the T. I got on at Davis Square as I normally do. Things proceeded as usual until we pulled into the Harvard Square station. I spotted a couple of people on the platform who weren't wearing pants. They weren't completely naked from the waist down - they had tiny short-like things on - but they were less dressed than the usual T patron.

Odd entertainment stuff happens occasionally in Harvard Square - it could have been a dance troupe or some street circus performers, you never know. A couple of guys got on our car and the train moved off. Then the guys started taking off their shoes, taking stuff out of their pockets, fiddling with their belts. They were seated on the same side as me so I could see them reflected in the car window - you know, city style, so you're not looking directly at anyone.

The woman across from me started looking a tad bit uncomfy. She was across the aisle from them, looking straight at them. She'd had her back to the station when we pulled in so she hadn't seen the no pants people on the platform. I smirked at her to ease her mind. She got it. She could see I was watching in the reflection.

The dudes took their pants off and put their shoes back on. One guy listened to his iPod, another started reading. When we pulled into the Central Square station there were a few more no pants people on that platform. That's where I got out. The no pants guys from our car got out too. Not much of a T ride if you ask me. If I was going to ride no pants I'd want to get a bit more mileage out of it. But then, I don't know everything.

Today it was sixty degrees out. It's mid-January. This is not normal. You don't get beautiful, warm, sunny days in the Boston area in January. Only you did today. So I took a walk over to Porter Square to do some errands.

They're doing some construction at St. James Episcopal Church. I happened to notice that stretch of sidewalk because they had rented some "Rent A Throne" (or something) brand porta-potties and the name amused me. Then I saw a handsome dreadlocked guy coming towards me from the other direction, listening to his iPod and grinning a beautiful grin. The sun was shining, it was a pleasant city moment. I kept going into Porter and hit the drugstore, the hardware store and the craft store.

On my way back, on the spot where I'd had that pleasant city moment on my trip in, I had to step around a fresh vomit stain. It was just a damp stain - someone had cleaned up the bulk of it. I thought how glad I was that I had missed the incident when it had occurred. I was glad that someone had been thoughtful enough to clean up the mess. All in the forty-five minutes that had elapsed since I'd passed that spot. Another series of events that you wouldn't experience in the country.

That's what I have for you today. LIfe is a wonderful thing. You never know what it will bring.

Where'd They Go?

Something interesting has already happened to me this year: Pete and I went to a party where I spoke most of the night with a number of people I'd never met before and never stressed or felt freaky about it. It never even occurred to me to notice anything unusual had happened until I was in the car on the way home.

Progress is possible!

The party was on my birthday but it was unrelated to me other than I was invited. I didn't feel birthday-y this year. I think I just wanted my life back from the holidays. Instead of doing something specifically for my birthday we went to this party.

Maybe it was an unnoticed birthday vibe or plain resignation but my social anxieties deserted me. Good riddance. Hope they're gone for good! See ya later - much!

The next day we did do something special for my birthday and my friend, Janna's, birthday which was a day later. It was over-the-top. You can read about it here. Seriously over the top. Wow.

More Please

It may be that this year has given me a little taste for upheaval. It was a difficult year but I secretly found it exciting. I have learned SO MUCH this year and it has been fascinating.

I had things I love taken from me but I was also given amazing gifts which I could never have predicted.

I learned that when your heart is broken sometimes the only cure is more heartbreak.

I also learned that the saying "a broken heart lets more light in" is true. I was never more receptive to good things and gifts than when my heart was an oozing pile of crushed and broken flesh. In those times I was desperate for good things. I sought them everywhere and they were readily available to me.

Heartbreak itself has been a gift to me this year.

I might be waking up thanks to this year. I hope so.

I might find life more rewarding when it's unpredictable, when the unexpected happens. Earlier this year things I hadn't looked for happened to me. Now that's slowed and I could go back to the way I was before. I had been playing everything safe and comfortable, doing what others expected of me, letting what I wanted take the back seat. I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO THE WAY I WAS BEFORE!

Life is more fun when I actively engage it. When I take risks - or at least stop playing it safe.

I know it's crucial to make mistakes and you really do learn the most from screwing up. I don't know if something counts as a mistake if you know something's the wrong thing to do and you do it anyway. I guess the mistake there is choosing to do the wrong thing. But when you're not sure...

When I'm not sure I tend to play it safe. I don't want to play it safe anymore. Playing it safe leads to comfort and it cuts off opportunities. I learned this year that it's better to be uncomfortable. So now when I notice I'm not sure I'm going to choose risk.

I like mess. I like dealing with challenges. I like learning. I like feeling brave. That stuff doesn't happen as much when you play it safe.

I want to leave more room for uncertainty in my life. I want there to be holes to let the light and wind in. I want my papers to blow around.

I am asking for more chaos.

Perfect Day

I would just like to put down for posterity that today I am happy and satisfied. That's correct, I am completely happy with what I have in this moment and I don't wish for anything more or different. I have felt like this for over twenty-four hours.

Clearly I'm having some kind of hormone imbalance. I hope it continues.

Today and yesterday were perfectly ordinary days. Nothing special happened. I've been making thank you cards for the people who wrote me condolence notes about Fay. I've seen several good friends, eaten normally, paid the bills, I got a massage. I've been meditating regularly but I've slacked off on the running since Thanksgiving. I know I'll get back to it in a timely fashion. I didn't get everything done that I wanted to do, only, yes I did. I did the things I really wanted to do and the less important things I let slide. I did the things that were really important to me. So now I'm happy and relaxed.

At least I think that's why I'm happy and relaxed.

I had been feeling disconnected and a bit lost and down lately. Last night I realized that right now is a magical time. Right now everything's great. I know I am loved. I have good food to eat. I have fun things to do. I can be with good people. Today I am free. I know everything changes and that it's not always going to be so nice. So I will enjoy what I have now.

Not 100% Yawn

So I've been thinking about yesterday's post. I still believe it's true that I'm not a good trouble maker. But I can be good at quietly undermining normal. Sometimes the unsettling element is all it takes to set off a surprise and encourage the unexpected, right?  I don't need to be the tornado of terror, upsetting everyone's plans and turning everything upside-down.

Okay, so I'm not a full-on source of anarchy. I can at least be a gentle reminder that normal isn't everything.

Not Making Trouble

I understand that life is chaotic and that that's a good thing. I just can't bring myself to purposely help the chaos along. I might have mischief in mind but I can never seem to pull the trigger.

Maybe I'll think about this some more later...

Inspi-stinkin-ration

I hate inspirational posters that boss me the hell around. Do this, do that... "Enjoy life to the fullest!" "Believe in your dreams!" "Breathe!" "Say yes to love!" (oh, wait...) So annoying.

But this one is good:

It's the Holstee manifesto and you can get a copy for yourself here.

Okay, at times it's a little much for me. I get overwhelmed by all that advice. I'm never going to just walk up to someone and demand to know their passion. Also, the "All emotions are beautiful" lettering should be bigger for more impact. Most people don't understand that all emotions are beautiful - or why. 

Whatever my quibbles may be, this poster makes a lot of good points. But I'm on a love jag right now so I'm just going to focus on that part.

It took me forever to realize that "do what you love" really means do everything you love as much as you can. It's a good idea to fill as many moments as possible with as much of the stuff you love as possible.

Eat the food you love, wear the shoes you love, be with the people you love, surround yourself with the colors you love, listen to the music you love, go to the places you love, do the things you love to do no matter what their value seems to be. Don't be ashamed if the things you love seem stupid. You love them. If they bring you joy then that's enough and screw what anybody else thinks. 

It seems to me that this is how you build a life that has value for you. So that's what I'm going to do. 

Say No And Be Doomed (Say Yes And Be Good Doomed)

You should never say no to love.

Reason 1: Love doesn't take no for an answer. Love doesn't go away because you think it would be more convenient for you if it did.

Reason 2: You're an idiot if you allow (or push!) someone you love out of your life just because you're scared.

Reason 3: Love is always good. Even if you can't figure out how to work it, even if it's inconvenient and uncomfortable. Be patient and you'll figure something out.

Reason 4: The more you experience love the bigger you find it to be. More facets and permutations are revealed to you. You recognize it better, sooner, when you encounter it elsewhere in your life. More love is better than less.

Reason 5: Would you say no to fifty bucks? A cookie? A beer? Love is SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT AND BETTER THAN MONEY OR FOOD OR ANY OF THE OTHER THINGS WE DISTRACT OURSELVES WITH. SAY YES!

Say no to love and you will just suffer the pain of realizing that you made a huge mistake. You've probably done damage to someone you care a great deal about, you've missed out on some amazing opportunities and there's nothing you can do to fix it.

Love is scary. Love is the best thing in our lives. Love is the only thing in this life that we can keep. Love will mess you up and hurt you and heal you and keep you going. It will save you.

You're going to suffer either way. Life isn't about convenience and security. Life is suffering. You can choose beautiful, meaningful, life enhancing suffering or you can choose stupid, useless suffering that helps no one.

I'm talking about love, not attraction. Big tidal wave love. I'm not saying you should hop into bed with whoever appeals.

What I'm saying is don't run away. Let love happen even if you don't know what it's going to do or where it will take you. It will take you somewhere good. The ride will be worth it. Be brave.

SAY YES!

You don't really have a choice after all. Love will find you and overcome you.