I Didn't Know I Could Do This

Well this is a new one: I've e-over-socialled myself. I didn't know that was possible.

I have limited capacity for being around other people. Everyone does I guess but I think I hit a wall sooner than most. Classic introvert.

My high school reunion is coming up. I agreed to get in touch with seven of my classmates, only one of which I communicate with regularly, to make sure their contact info is up to date and to see if they're thinking about coming to the reunion.

Phone-phobic that I am, I've mostly been communicating by e-mail or Facebook message. Over-achieving communicator that I am, it takes me about an hour and a half (at least) to write a short e-mail. I want to be clear and expressive. I want to avoid misunderstandings (fail). I want to be present and authentic.

Of course it isn't as easy as writing seven e-mails. (Some people would just write one and send it to everyone on the list. What is my problem?) I couldn't find everyone so I had to contact other people who might know where my missing people are. I also contacted a few others because I was thinking about them and it seemed like a good idea to see how the were. The whole thing snowballed. Now I'm managing about eight e-correspondences of varying intensity.

It's not like it's a bad thing. I really like, respect and admire the folks I've been corresponding with. It's just too much socialness! My little amorphous brain can't handle it! All the reading! All the writing! All the thinking! All the interpreting and reading between the lines! All the not-going-down-the-rabbit-hole-of-thinking-about-adolescent-blunders-and-failures!

I just want to think about colors and textures and shapes for a while. Or nothing. I want to think about nothing. Or just a thin veil of light blue. Or a blurry image of white hydrangeas in a glass jar.

However, I have a deadline and two more people to reach one way or another and one more person to thank for forwarding contact info to me - another person I really like and hope to see again someday.

I bet I can put it all off for a couple more hours. Or maybe I'll just crank out two (hopefully) quick-ish e-mails and get the hard part done with and do the follow-up at a more leisurely pace.

I've got to lighten up. I'm making myself nuts.

I Am That Guy

I am one of those people. A kind of person I NEVER thought I'd be. The kind of person I thought was an ascetic maniac.

I read about people who wake up at 5 AM and write every day because "that's when I can have time to myself." I thought that was nuts. I read about people who's ideal birthday involves getting out to go running first thing in the morning. Whacko! Only now that's me! I DO THOSE THINGS. How did this happen?

All of those things sounded like punishment for people who didn't like themselves very much. It's not a punishment at all. In fact it's a necessity for me to do those things so I can understand and process the things that happen to me. It is much more punishing to not do them. I seem to require them in order to stay reasonably sane and happy.

I've found over the years that I do tend to incorporate things I feared or didn't understand. For example, when I was a kid we used to go visit my dad's cousin's creepy farm in rural Virginia where they had wild snakes (not pets) in the basement (and occasionally in the kitchen) I absolutely didn't understand choosing to live like that. Now I have my own creepy farm and I LOVE snakes. I've never seen one in my kitchen but I wouldn't mind - it would help keep the mouse population down.

When I was around three years old I was at preschool. For Halloween they had a lady dressed as a witch come and hand out lollipops to all the kids (I feel like I've written about this before...) I was terrified and hid, crying, in my cubby. Now I think I am a witch, at least temperamentally. I totally understand why the Bad Fairy cursed Sleeping Beauty.

As for my other big childhood fears, I have not yet become Santa Claus or a monster under the bed (or a severed head in the toilet bowl) but I do feel like a clown sometimes.

There is SO MUCH in this life I fear or don't understand. I can never tell which of these things I'm going to embody. I only figure it out later. It makes me wonder what else I'm going to manifest.

I fear destroying things. I understand intellectually that you have to get rid of the old to make way for the new. For the most part I find that I don't have the internal fortitude to trash something that's still technically viable. I have too many old toothbrushes hanging around. Old sneakers that are flat on the inside - no support anymore - but without holes and not that dirty. They still look useful but they aren't really. Can I throw them away?

I know intellectually that sometimes it is more merciful and compassionate to cut something off and get rid of it and yet I'm too wimpy to follow through on that (Like I'll leave it to the snakes to take care of the mice) I wonder if someday I'll learn? Under what circumstances do you learn something like that?

I find that an exciting idea: to become the terrifying goddess you fear. I'm way too chicken to set out to do that on purpose though.

But, as I said, there a re a lot of things I fear or don't understand. Who is to say which of them will pop up in me next?

I'm Gonna Be Late For Work. Sorry Bob.

What's going to happen today?

It's supposed to be very windy out today. I LOVE wind.

It's also November first, the first day of NaBloPoMo and NaNoWriMo, neither of which I have signed up for. Words! Glorious, luxurious words! I want to cocoon myself in words, sweep them around me like a cape on this blustery day! I want to dive in and swim in a warm sea of words! Everything sounds like a stinkin' overwrought cliche though. Oh well.

So I'll move on to pictures.

All that's left of Mr. Loaf: the scalp. I'll have that for lunch at work today. With a salad, of course.

Halloween party pictures of people you don't know:

Steffi and Yukari being photobombed by Selena and Nate

Vampire Melvis

Random Yukari, Quinner and George

Jill, Jim and Jamie with a sneak Quinner in the background

Standard Halloween party photo

Hijinks with Steffi and Angela

Insufferable Preppy Bastard and crew

Jeff and Melvis being photobombed by vampire Nate

John, Linda and Alma

Aftermathish

The party went pretty well. The Red Sox won the World Series. The meatloaf was tasty, as were the pickled beets. No one had a martini but me though.

Party tip: Cheetos really brighten up a dreary bread plate.

I think I'll wear a dress today (with tights) so it can blow around in the wind.

Post/Note/Hope

On this, the last day of NaBloPoMo 2010, wouldn't it be great if I wrote something thoughtful and insightful?  Yes it would.  This isn't that post though.  Maybe later if we're all lucky.

So far today has been completely ordinary (except that Pete got up before I did - that's unusual) and I'm feeling hard pressed to think of a subject to write about at all.

Speaking of writing, I really enjoyed NaNoWriMo.  I hope that I can keep up the writing habit.  I don't know if I have two hours every day to commit to writing though.  Hopefully I can swing one hour.

I'm not sure that the writing habits I got into this month were the best for me.  I know I did a lot of padding (you know- used a lot of words I knew I didn't need) in my attempt to reach the 50,000 word mark.  I guess I usually edit myself more as I go when I write.

Well this is working a different way and it's important to try new things.  Now I can try editing myself afterwards.  Maybe I'll do a better job now that those thoughts have been floating around in my head for a month.

Anyway, I probably only got into the "edit as you go" thing because I'd put off my assignment till the last minute and didn't have time to edit later.  Not the greatest way to get into a lifelong habit.  Yup, it's important to try new things.

I don't know if I'll try to do both NaBloPoMo and NaNoWriMo at the same time again.  I think the blog suffered.  It got less time, attention and thought than it normally would in November.  I hope I haven't alienated anyone with my uninspired posts this month.  If I have they probably aren't reading my apology right now, huh?

Okay, I'll knock off the rambling and move on with my day now.  Thanks for your patience, assuming you're still reading,
xoxo,
Mel

P.S. Now I'm really excited to take my novel into my studio and move it into it's next incarnations: comic books, videos, paintings and sculptures.  Even farther into the future I hope, a video game.

Home Stretches

In 1579 words I'll have hit the 50,000 mark.  I can do it before noon.  Then I hope I can get on to the NaNoWriMo web page, get my numbers validated and buy myself a NaNoWriMo Winner t-shirt - and underpants, socks, hankie, hat, toaster etc.

I'm a tiny bit concerned that once I've finished writing the first draft of the novel before the end of the month I'll forget that it's still NaBloPoMo and I'll blow it on the last day.  AAAAAAAAA!

Fingers crossed that that won't happen.

Mexican Restaurant Law Plus

I have a law for Mexican restaurants.  If I'm in a Mexican restaurant for the first time and they have a fish taco I have to get that.  Also, if they have tamales I have to get those.  If they have both I get both.  It's a law.

In other news, I had a massage today.  Whoa baby, was it good!  It also turned out to be a great time to think about my novel.

I've been feeling a bit stalled on the novel.  I knew I needed to think about it but I couldn't seem to make the time.  The massage was a great time to think.  I found that I like the world of my novel.  I enjoy spending time there.  That's probably a good sign.

Further Not Reading

I tried reading "The Girl Who Played With Fire" again last night.  Strangely, it reminded me of what I am writing which kind of put me off.  It's more polished, the subject matter is completely different and it had a clear underlying theme - it's obviously going somewhere - unlike what I'm writing.  It just felt so familiar while the words were running though my brain.

This was the first time I've tried reading any novels since I started writing mine.  It will be interesting to try another one and see if the same thing happens.  Henry James, maybe - right?  I think just like that guy.

I also discovered that I still don't feel up to reading about people in trouble - even if I know they'll deal with it just fine.

Graffitiliving commented that I should try audiobooks.  I think that's a great idea.  I can stand to listen to the news on NPR slightly better than I can bear reading about people in trouble.  Still, even there I find myself plugging in my iPod more quickly than I used to.

Of course what piece of literature isn't about someone in trouble?  You've got to have tension somewhere or people will get bored.  Maybe I should try a romance.  Unrequited love is interesting.  You can empathize with the character without fearing they're about to get raped and killed.  With a romance the only thing you have to fear is that the love scenes (or the writing style) will make you nauseous.