All That And A Little Champagne

I'll admit it: I'm down in the dumps today. To my mind (and sense of superstition) that's not a good way to kick off a new year.

I tend to dress with symbolism. Here are the symbols I've chosen to help me out today:

The new "bralette" I found myself yesterday. It's day-glo green, not that you can tell from the photo.

My Charlie button, to honor my friend who I love, and my whammo earrings to give me strength and remind me of my goddess of a sister-in-law who gave them to me. It's nice to know someone like that has your back.

I've also got a selection of deep pink lipsticks and these:

(Photo taken on a moving train) for extra oomph.

All that and a little champagne and I'll probably make it through.

Girl Talk

A meaningless post of limited interest to anyone who isn't me. Just something I want to "get off my chest." HA HA HA! 'Cause it's about BRAS!

Okay, I guess I did lose A LOT of weight, particularly in the boob region because I don't have any anymore. No boobs. Now all my bras are huge and empty and crinkle like raisins under my clothes. I want to get rid of them all. Do people want secondhand bras? Maybe newer ones. I'll probably just toss 'em.

Anyway, I don't have (or don't want to spend) the time it takes to figure out what size I am now. Still, I'm old and saggy and vain enough to not want to go without. Gotta do something. 

I suppose I could get by with bikini tops until I feel like going through the rigamarole of solving my saggy mosquito bite problem. Maybe I could find myself some piña colada scented perfume and pretend I'm on vacation! So long, midwinter blahs!

It's hard for me to imagine getting midwinter blahs when I'm so excited to have my regular, not-Christmas, life back. I have projects I'm working on. I have experiments to do. My big goal over the next three months is to see if I can keep myself reasonably sane. 

My theory is that everything runs more smoothly if I'm sane. That sounds obvious. Think of all the undermining behaviors one gets up to when one is stressed out and feels constantly harried. Stress eating, impulse buying, watching too much T.V., otherwise self-medicating. It boils down to precious resource wasting: money, time, energy. If I can stay sane just look at all the everything I'll save.

But it can be hard to prioritize sanity. It's amazing how easy it is to put aside the simple things that keep me sane (like having enough time to myself or getting enough sleep) for accommodating other people.

It's going to be a big project. I will have to concentrate. I'll have to stick to my guns. I'm interested to see how it works out. So how could I develop midwinter blahs? I'm sure I'll manage. Everyone does.

Bikini tops under sweaters and fleece and down. Why not? It doesn't hurt to try. I love experiments.

Lackadaisical

There are some good things about having too much crap to do. For one thing, you're too busy trying to get stuff done to become overwhelmed by the stuff you're failing to keep up with. For another thing, you don't have time to think about whether you "feel like" doing something. You have to do it right then or else it doesn't get done.

I am moving slow today because I'm under the impression that I can get away with that. CHRISTMAS IS OVER!!!! (Actually, it ran me over and I've got sleigh-marks in my back and bits of glass ornaments and candy cane shards embedded in my face. It's over but I still owe presents and cards. I am behind.) I'm spending today doing my Yayit'snolongerChristmas manicure (which I'd love to show you but I'm utterly failing at taking a reasonable photo of it. Maybe if I had Google Glass I could take a nice, hands-free photo of both of my hands. Hell, I'll just post a crappy photo:

See - not Christmasy at all.)

I'm also doing laundry, looking at way too much Facebook (boring) and generally poking around the apartment to no purpose. I cannot be bothered to care. It is conceivable that later this evening I'll get around to thinking about how the past year has gone (off the rails) and what kind of changes I want to make in the coming months. Will that be before or after I watch "The X-Files" and knit? Before or after I check to see if the kale I left in the fridge a week ago has rotted? Before or after I mix myself up a nice Manhattan? Only time will tell.

Here are the completed bourbon balls. Pete's dad and I are in his car waiting in the hotel parking lot for Pete's aunt to come down so we can all go to Pete's parents' house for Christmas Day festivities. As you can see, the balls are decorating the dashboard. 

Random photos from the past week:

Tripped on my run. Later, I banged my knee on the glass coffee table at my in-laws' house. My knees are still ridiculously bruised and black.

Random sheep figurine

Christmas manicure, left hand

Christmas manicure, right hand

The water was very nice. The skirt covers the enormous bandage on my knee.

Speaks for itself

I am under the impression that I have time for a lull so lulling I am. I didn't run today. I didn't buy any late Christmas gifts for Pete or my mom or my brother or anyone else I owe. I didn't go out and get New Years cards to send to people I'd wanted to send Christmas cards to. I didn't call anyone on the phone for post-Christmas debriefing. 

Maybe tomorrow I'll let my mind wander over to where the list of things I'm behind on is and start taking a poke at it. I imagine I'll go running. I'll balance the checkbook and pay the bills. I'll try to find a soju of the month club for my brother. I'll box up the gifts I got for people but didn't send. I'll light a fire under myself and try to spark the world again. Today is lost and it's mine to lose.

Make Do Christmas

My in-laws live in Florida. It's a blustery Christmas Eve here today. Pete and Marc have spent a pretty good amount of time outside today. They even went swimming in this ocean:

Me? I'm attempting to make bourbon balls.

I, crazy nut that I am, went to the first market I could find today (I don't really know where anything is in this town) It was bonkers in there with people doing their last-minute holiday emergency shopping. People were very nice though. I was able to park sooner than I thought I'd be and the folks milling around in the market were full of holiday cheer. Everyone was wishing everyone else a merry Christmas. None of this hippy-dippy "happy holidays"crap in Florida. Hey, I was raised in the Christian tradition so I'm not offended. I wished 'em all merry Christmas right back. Why not?

Then I went back to my in-law's rental condo where we're staying.

It can be funny to try to make things in other peoples' rental condos. Often times you can't find the equipment you need. I wouldn't dare to try to make cupcakes here. Marc couldn't find a frying pan here yesterday. No way there are muffin pans.

Bourbon balls do not require baking or any sort of pan. They aren't chemistry like real baking. You just grind up cookies and pecans and mix them with powdered sugar, bourbon and Karo syrup, wad 'em into balls and roll them in more powdered sugar. So I've been told. This is the first time I've tried to make any.

I used the blender that was really intended for mixing daiquiris to chop up my cookies (took forever) and my pecans (no trouble.) I found a large, plastic bowl to mix everything in. Miraculously I even found dry measuring cups (I'm completely shocked!) and measuring spoons. I got everything successfully processed and mixed. Then I ran out of time. The dough will have to sit for a while (which isn't bad - the flavors will meld better that way) until after Christmas Eve fancy dinner. Bourbon balls for breakfast? Could be. Midnight snack? Also possible. With picklebacks? I wouldn't put it past us, sadly.

So I'm getting a quick post in before I get fancypantsed-up. That could be interesting (to me) too - I packed the morning before we left after three hours of sleep. I don't know if my fancy duds will pass muster. Well, I brought what I brought and that's all there is to it.

Come to think of it, I should start getting ready now. We're expected at Pete and Marc's parents' in 35 minutes. Pete and Marc are still outside getting blown around in this weather. Perhaps we'll be late?

This is not your storybook Christmas. It's great though. We're all half-assed. It's nice that we agree about it. Hitting all the high spots and letting everything else slide. Ha!

Since I live in the politically correct U.S. northeast I will wish you all very happy holidays!

Not 100% Late

I was not late to work and when I got there someone had left me a present.

Pretty sweet.

Bet I'll Be Late

Man, does this blog need a facelift! Not today though.

It's too cold to do anything. It's too early to eat breakfast. I'm a big crank and I don't want to do anything involved with getting ready to go to work.

You know what I want to do today? I want to have some damned fun! Make chocolate cupcakes with cream cheese frosting and decorate them with multicolor confetti sprinkles - the kind you eat, duh, not paper ones - and maybe some clear sparkly sugar to evoke actual frost. Wintery! Festive!

Then I want to go get some fancy papers (shiny, glittery stuff, nice tissue paper) and box up the Christmas gifts I got for people and mail them off so they get there in time for Christmas. Wouldn't it be good if I had done that last week? Well I was busy last week so I didn't. I'm busy today too so I won't be doing it today either. Sigh.

You know what else would be nice? Another week to spend just paying attention to Christmas preparations. I'm ready to do that now. All my other stuff I had to do is done. I can shop now. I can make little gifties and send Christmas cards. Well, I'm almost ready. I'll be really ready next week. Oops.

Oh, and I'll need another two weeks to go to parties so I can make sure and see everyone I want to see for the holidays. And let's not forget the holiday baking and cooking that it's so fun to do. I could probably wedge that into the two weeks I set aside for parties, during the days.

So I think I could be ready for Christmas if I spent the next three weeks exclusively on Christmas stuff. Of course we all know that Christmas is in one week and we all have TONS of other stuff we have to do.

Oh well. Gotta muddle through. It won't be perfect. I'll hit the high spots. Some people - a lot of people - will get their gifts in January. I ain't going to see everyone. Life's a process. Live and learn do everything the same wrong way over and over again. I'll probably be late to work today too. I bet I'm not the only one!

The tree looks a lot like it did last year but, hey, I have a tree!

I'm not really that cranky. I've had some fun in the last couple of weeks. I've been lucky to do some things I don't normally do. I hope I find time to post some photos in upcoming days.

Good winter holidays to you all!

Double-billed

You know what sucks? There's a cost to being sad. You end up paying twice. 

First you go through the pain of, say, losing something. You feel sad about it. Then I find I have to get over the expense of energy it cost me to mourn. Maybe that's just me. Maybe some people are just sad and then they get over it. I seem to need a double recovery. I feel like I used to just recover in one stage. Maybe I'm just paying more attention now.

It could also be that there's just been so much suffering and loss in our general area lately. You start to feel better then whammo - something else hard comes along. So many of life's largest truths have been rearing up over and over again in the last few years.

I'm so obtuse that I still don't know what the takeaway's supposed to be. Life is short - love and enjoy while you can? Go for the gusto? Carpe diem? Don't wait for the perfect conditions to be happy or to do what you want to do?

My head's still spinning. I have no idea exactly what in the day I'm supposed to seize. 

You could argue that life doesn't make sense and there is no takeaway. I don't have to learn anything from this random spate of losses. It's just bad timing or hard luck and that's the way it goes. 

I, for one, am not built to think that way. Something inside me will choose a lesson and retain it. I'd like to choose consciously and make sure the lesson that sticks is something that will be helpful later.

I think if I can be patient I'll figure something useful out. I hope.

I Am That Guy

I am one of those people. A kind of person I NEVER thought I'd be. The kind of person I thought was an ascetic maniac.

I read about people who wake up at 5 AM and write every day because "that's when I can have time to myself." I thought that was nuts. I read about people who's ideal birthday involves getting out to go running first thing in the morning. Whacko! Only now that's me! I DO THOSE THINGS. How did this happen?

All of those things sounded like punishment for people who didn't like themselves very much. It's not a punishment at all. In fact it's a necessity for me to do those things so I can understand and process the things that happen to me. It is much more punishing to not do them. I seem to require them in order to stay reasonably sane and happy.

I've found over the years that I do tend to incorporate things I feared or didn't understand. For example, when I was a kid we used to go visit my dad's cousin's creepy farm in rural Virginia where they had wild snakes (not pets) in the basement (and occasionally in the kitchen) I absolutely didn't understand choosing to live like that. Now I have my own creepy farm and I LOVE snakes. I've never seen one in my kitchen but I wouldn't mind - it would help keep the mouse population down.

When I was around three years old I was at preschool. For Halloween they had a lady dressed as a witch come and hand out lollipops to all the kids (I feel like I've written about this before...) I was terrified and hid, crying, in my cubby. Now I think I am a witch, at least temperamentally. I totally understand why the Bad Fairy cursed Sleeping Beauty.

As for my other big childhood fears, I have not yet become Santa Claus or a monster under the bed (or a severed head in the toilet bowl) but I do feel like a clown sometimes.

There is SO MUCH in this life I fear or don't understand. I can never tell which of these things I'm going to embody. I only figure it out later. It makes me wonder what else I'm going to manifest.

I fear destroying things. I understand intellectually that you have to get rid of the old to make way for the new. For the most part I find that I don't have the internal fortitude to trash something that's still technically viable. I have too many old toothbrushes hanging around. Old sneakers that are flat on the inside - no support anymore - but without holes and not that dirty. They still look useful but they aren't really. Can I throw them away?

I know intellectually that sometimes it is more merciful and compassionate to cut something off and get rid of it and yet I'm too wimpy to follow through on that (Like I'll leave it to the snakes to take care of the mice) I wonder if someday I'll learn? Under what circumstances do you learn something like that?

I find that an exciting idea: to become the terrifying goddess you fear. I'm way too chicken to set out to do that on purpose though.

But, as I said, there a re a lot of things I fear or don't understand. Who is to say which of them will pop up in me next?