I Make Things

Results of a Sort

2012-01-14T11:25:00.001-05:00

Fay's test results came back and everything looks normal. Her organs are normal sized and they didn't see anything that didn't belong in there. So I guess that's good news. I suppose if there's bad news it's that she may need other tests. There was some mention of taking a kidney biopsy. I hope it doesn't come to that - it sounds hurty (also expensive)

We do know for sure there's a kidney problem. We also know for sure that some of the medication she's on to treat it makes her feel sick because she doesn't want to eat her food even though I loaded it with tuna. Crap. Poor her. I hope there are other options.

I met another new role model. There was a little old lady scooting around Davis Square in a wheelchair yesterday. She wasn't using it as a wheelchair exactly. She was sitting in it and using her feet (like Fred Flintstone) to move the chair. On my way back home from an errand I saw her struggling to get in to the post office so I stopped to give her a hand. She turned out to be a real wise-cracker. She was hilarious. Hilarious and resourceful. My new role model. A lot like Fay too.

Herself

2012-01-13T13:39:00.001-05:00

Fay is at the vet. I had to leave her there today so she could get chest x-rays and an ultrasound. We know for sure that she has kidney inflammation. They're testing her today to find out why. Whatever it is it's not going to be good.

You can't tell anything's bothering her from her attitude. She's the same spazzy, bossy, demanding, hilarious, hungry, cute wad she's always been. She's my role model. When things start crapping out on me I'm going to try to take a page from her manual. Then I'll try to mooch treats off the person nearest to me.

Ugh - I Can't See

2012-01-08T10:58:00.000-05:00

The left lens in my glasses sucks. I'm not sure that sentence makes sense grammatically.

What I mean is that the coating they put on the lenses to prevent glare has disintegrated (only on the left lens) so it looks to my left eye as if there's dust or grease or something all over the lens. This has been going on for months but it happened kind of gradually so I was mostly used to it.

I'm in the process of getting my lenses replaced. I left my glasses off at the optometrist on Friday so they could put in the new lenses. Meanwhile I wore some sample contact lenses. It was so great to be able to see clearly for a change. I couldn't wait to get my glasses with new lenses back.

When I went to pick up my glasses yesterday it turned out that the lab had sent my new lenses in the wrong prescription. Now I'm back to my old, crappy lenses while I wait for a new batch of lenses to arrive. It should take about a week.

Of course after wearing those contacts all day yesterday I had grown accustomed to being able to see. Now I'm all discombobulated because all I see is a smear in my left eye. Nuisance! I keep blinking because I think my eye has gunk in it.

That said, the eyes are only on the outside of the body, the surface. The blindness that's bothering me the most right now is inside my head. I have brain blindness. This could also be called "issues."

I'm so confused right now. There have been so many changes in my life and in my perceptions of life in the last year or so. The future is looking pretty unusual too. Everything is topsy turvy inside. I can't tell if I'm seeing things for what they are or if what I see is overly colored by my emotions. In other words, do I feel uncomfortable because the situations in my life are challenging or are the situations in my life challenging because I feel uncomfortable about them? In either case is there something I could be doing to improve things?

I feel like I'm living submerged in a giant pot of beef stew. The broth is so thick that I can't see if what just hit me in the face is a pea or a piece of meat. Or perhaps I'm walking around with a sack over my head, bumping into or being pelted with things? I don't know and I don't know how to find out.

For now I'm just going to wait until something makes sense. I hope that will be soon but this being life, who can say?

Minty Drink

2011-12-24T16:25:00.000-05:00

Quick post while I'm thinking about it:

I'm listening to Christmas music while cleaning the mouse crap off the dining table so we can eat off of it tomorrow. You read that right. I'm thinking a drink would be good around now. Probably a stinger.

Stinger Cocktail, one serving:

Ingredients:
Ice
2 ounces cognac
1 ounce white creme de menthe (trust me)
Twist of lemon peel

Directions:

Fill a mixing glass two-thirds full with ice. Add the cognac and white creme de menthe. Shake well, then strain into an old-fashioned glass filled with three or four ice cubes (not crushed ice). Garnish with a lemon twist.

I got this recipe from the Washington Post Spirits columnist, Jason Wilson.

Yes, I too was scared of the creme de menthe (my mom used it to make a really tasty grasshopper pie that I loved when I was a kid. I thought that might not be so good in a cocktail now that I'm an adult) Turns out it's damn good. It's kind of easy to drink too many of these so be careful - the price isn't pretty in the morning.

However, I'm going to wait on my cocktail until food is more imminently on the horizon.

Yawn... Whatever

2011-12-11T17:01:00.001-05:00

I might have hurt myself today. I like to work out with video games. I still love "Yourself!Fitness" for the old Xbox but there are a couple of Wii games I like too. I played them both today. I hope I can move tomorrow.

I really like "Gold's Gym Cardio Workout," a boxing training game. As far as I can tell your avatar never hits anybody (except a bear in a side game. Poor bear) Still, all that punching nothing is really fun and great for stress reduction. There's footwork too - you're sort of bouncing back and forth, stepping side to side, ducking, weaving and all that jazz. I find myself so engaged and distracted by trying to follow along that I don't notice until afterwards that I'm sweaty and winded. Fun! And, of course, sore the next day - in a good way.

The other is "NewU Fitness First Yoga and Pilates." I have yet to encounter any Pilates. I wonder if I have to get to a certain point in the yoga before Pilates is available? Maybe I have to change my "goals" settings? Whatevs. The yoga is pretty good though. Definitely challenging. I do the "quick class" most of the time. It seems to go on forever and I'm wiped when I'm done with it. Maybe if I did it more often it wouldn't be so difficult? I'll try to work on that.

So, I guess if you're thinking you might need to move yourself around those are two fun and productive ways to do it.

And now, time to make my new favorite home-made supper: hot dog slices and kale. Yup, you want to take fitness and diet advice from me!

Wow, that post was almost NaBloPoMo quality.

High Maintenance

2011-12-09T12:45:00.001-05:00

I went to my first holiday party of the season on Wednesday: My sister-in-law, Kristen's, biennial cookie exchange. I believe I have mentioned it before (here and here) I don't seem to have mentioned that this is NOT the kind of event to which you can bring Entenmann's (halleluja - I HATE Entenmann's. YUCK!) You can leave your Pillsbury cookies at home too. This show requires a certain amount of sweat. It's also easily the nicest, fanciest holiday party I go to most years. Kristen is a fantastic hostess and gets everything right, from the hors d'ouvres to the cocktails to the decorations. There's a certain amount of pressure to PERFORM at this event.

The cookies I made this year are show-stoppers. I've made them a few other years and was not planning to make them this year but Kristen asked me to.

Honestly, if you have to make four-dozen cookies I would not suggest choosing a shaped sandwich cookie. It's at least three times the work: you have to make double the dough, roll it out and cut twice the number of cookies, you have to make the ganache and then fill the cookies. You could probably get away without decorating them with drizzles of melted white chocolate but there's no way I'm bringing a plain brown cookie to this cookie exchange.

This dough tends to be sticky too so it requires quite a bit of chilling time. It must be chilled at least four hours before you roll it out the first time, you must re-chill the remaining dough before you roll it out again to cut more cookies and the cut cookies must be chilled for ten minutes on the sheet before you bake them.

Once baked, the cookies must rest for two minutes exactly on the cookie sheet before you can scrape them off the parchment paper they have been baked on (I used aluminum foil which ripped with every batch I made. I got the cookies off with no damage but the foil ripped every time) Try to pry them off too soon and they'll distort, too late and they'll stick (Don't f*%k with the instructions, b!#ches!)

Then of course they have to cool completely before you can spread on the ganache (and, yes, the ganache has to chill and thicken before you can spread it on) Later, when all of the cookies have been assembled, the white chocolate drizzles need time to harden before you can pack the cookies up and take them anywhere. Actually, the white chocolate drizzles are a simplification I devised. The recipe suggests you pipe on the melted white chocolate. I might be an intense baker at times but I'm not pathological.

These cookies are impossible to make at the last minute. I took three days to make them. I made the dough and the plain and peppermint chocolate ganaches the first day (I made double batches since the recipes yield two dozen. In fact, I ended up with five dozen. Bonus) I baked the second day and assembled and decorated the day of the cookie exchange. You also don't want to assemble them too far ahead of time because they can get soggy.

The result of all of this labor is a truly amazing cookie. In fact it's more like a confection. While I was making them I was thinking, "This is the last time. I'm retired from making this cookie!"
Afterwards I thought, "Well, it is a great cookie. Maybe I'll make them again. Maybe just not four dozen."

Of course I'm whining about having to make four dozen cookies but most of the women at the party had had to make eleven dozen cookies for a school event the next day. I hope Pillsbury was good enough for that event. Something to think about if you plan on moving to Wellesley Massachusetts and enrolling your kids in the Wellesley public school system.

As for our event, it was so festive and convivial and the cookies exchanged were so delicious (at least the ones I tried were) that I felt like the trouble was worth it. And who knows, maybe in two years I'll have rested up enough to make those again? If anyone wants the recipe let me know.

Five dozen cookies in our sparsely decorated apartment

Tremors

2011-12-03T08:53:00.001-05:00

Well, it's the holidays and I'm already feeling overwhelmed by all of the stuff I have to do. How about you? I'm not even thinking about the gift shopping either (Gift shopping doesn't actually worry me - I'm a fantastic shopper)

There are also big changes pending in my life right now - things that might happen in the next year or so or not for a long time if at all. (That statement is so vague! That's how things always are and we just try not to think about it) Despite my discomfort with the way things have been going lately these changes have me worried that I might lose some things about my life that I love (And how obvious is that? That is the nature of change. We're always afraid that the things that come into our lives after a change aren't going to be as good as the things we don't have anymore)

In short, SHAKY GROUND!!!!! AAAAAAAA!!!

I feel like I'm less resilient than I used to be. Just when I'm feeling pretty good some dumb thing happens and I'm smacked back into the dumps. I feel like I used to be able to shrug off setbacks more easily, that I didn't take things as hard as I do now.

I vaguely remember hearing (reading?) a story about a study someone did on rats. The theory being tested was that rats that survive through really difficult circumstances are the toughest rats. The study found that the surviver rats had been the toughest rats before their ordeals. After their ordeals they were just stressed-out, depleted rats.

Perhaps I feel like a depleted rat?

Well, nothing I can do about that now. I just have to wait and see what develops and get cracking on the tasks I've set for myself. At least I can wear a cotton-candy-scented wig while I'm at it.

Last Night And Today

2011-11-10T10:02:00.001-05:00

I have a new nephew, born last night! Congratulations to Christian and Sarah!

More trivially, here's what I want to do today:

Weed, weed block and mulch the paths
Clean up all the flattened stems left behind by the October snow storm
Tidy the roses
Do the fall cutting back
Clear the dining table
Clean the shower
Laundry
Put away the nine plus piles of books that I have left all over the house
Read Sin and Syntax
Get groceries
Wash the lettuce
Bake something
Meditate

As you can see I'm in over my head by the third word of the first item on my list. Guess I'd better get going.

Something Or Other

2011-11-07T11:12:00.000-05:00

I finished these fingerless gloves last night.

I'm surprised by how warm the vestigial finger nubbies are.

We have about a million photos of Fay. She's so darned cute how could I not photograph her all the time?

A propos of nothing, I am doing NaNoWriMo this month. I am hilariously behind. I wrote like a nut on the first day and haven't written a word since. I'm around twelve-thousand words behind. HA HA HA HA HA! Yeah, we'll see what we get.

November First Friday Show

2011-11-06T13:02:00.000-05:00

Well that was really fun. We had a number of surprise visitors and there was a lot of traffic. The gallery was very crowded at some points. Pete sold a photo and there were some nibbles at this guy:

He's the Don't Bother To Dream Monster, the first show-ready monster from my new monster drawing series. He's about four feet tall. The paper he's drawn on is about six feet by four feet. I think he got a lot of people to think about my work who normally wouldn't have. People often dismiss things they don't immediately perceive as serious. Putting this guy next to the giant strawberry painting seemed to make them think twice. I got a lot of thoughtful questions and comments on my work. Very encouraging.

The whole night made me excited about the work that I know is coming. I make the work that I'm called to make regardless of whether I think others can connect with it or not. Still, nothing like getting a positive response to what you're doing.

Sunny Day After Stormy Night

2011-10-30T12:05:00.000-04:00

I made more ebelskivers this morning. They're much prettier with practice. Photo by Pete.

The old lady is resting.

Yesterday we had a nor' easter. We didn't get any snow where we are though. Lucky us. Today it's beautiful and sunny (also windy and cold). Fay's got her wheels on and she's itching to chase some cars!

Muuuah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

2011-10-29T16:14:00.002-04:00

Last post today (most likely)

Pumpkin pedicure

Skull manicure

Yes of course, I did them myself - don't look too close!

More Makeage

2011-10-29T14:22:00.001-04:00

Toll House Cookies

Tarte Tatin caramelizing on the stove

Tarte Tatin after baking and inverting on a plate

I've had two pieces so far. I think I could probably eat the whole thing by myself. However, I am sharing it with Pete and my mom.

Velvety

2011-10-27T13:27:00.000-04:00

Here you can see some of why Fay loves Amagansett. The lawn is so velvety soft and green and pleasant on her feet and there are plenty of cars to chase from the safety of the securely fenced yard. She loves to have a job.

Another velvety thing: my new haircut.

These aren't especially velvety but I made them:

Ebelskivers!

These are cornmeal filled with strawberry preserves. Okay, they look sad because they fell in the oven. Also because this is all that was left after Mom and I had our share. They were really delicious and I'll definitely make them again. I got the recipe from "Ebelskivers: Filled Pancakes & Other Mouthwatering Minniatures."

Trippy

2011-10-23T21:15:00.002-04:00

Tonight I was imitating one of my mom's friends to myself: "Hello Kethie? It is Nahdeen..."

Suddenly I imagined one of my friends' daughters doing the same thing years from now. Then I imagined my grandmother doing the same thing with one of her mom's friends.

All of a sudden I was every woman. Cue Chaka Kahn.

I Felt Pretty Lucky

2011-09-24T22:25:00.000-04:00

Today I bent to look at a dead caterpillar on our walkway:

As I stood up again a reflection in a puddle on the walk caught my eye. It's very subtle:

A rainbow:

I've seen iridescent spots around the sun before but this rainbow arced away from the sun. That's something I've neer seen.

My Time Of Year

2011-09-20T12:32:00.001-04:00

I am SO excited right now. I LOVE this time of year!

It's flannel pajama season! It's sweater season! It's oatmeal season! It's grilled cheese sandwich season!

I love to cook but in the summer I don't even want to think about cooking. Now I can cook again!

Summer, I won't say eff you because I know you can and will kick my ass. I'm sorry that a week at the beach and a few fried clam meals are not enough to redeem you in my eyes. Truly. I really wish I could love you because I vastly prefer to like things. However...

Bring on Autumn! Hello Halloween! Hot buttered rum! Pumpkin anything! Jeans! Corduroys! Boots! Wigs!

August Wrap-Up

2011-09-07T08:26:00.000-04:00

These ornamental grass seed heads are a beautiful, silky red this year.

So August turned out not to be a vast improvement on the end of July. Pretty painful month, all in all. Most of the things that made July and the rest of the summer so fretful haven't really improved. I'm just more accustomed to being unable to do anything about them. I did get a bit of work done though.

Tropical storm Irene knocked our power out for five days. That was just an inconvenience. The worst part was seeing our neighbors' houses in the river and the land the houses were built on gone. Yes, their land is gone. A number of roads we use all the time are also gone. That's pretty shocking to see. You see natural disasters on T.V. and you think "that's horrible" and it is horrible but (sadly, human nature being what it is)you feel the punch in the gut more when it happens in your neighborhood, it's right in front of you and you're not seeing it from the comfort of your sofa.

One major thing is a lot better though: my dear friend who underwent organ transplant surgery a few weeks ago is on the mend. He and his wife are two of my best friends and it was scary and hard to see him in danger and suffering and to just see her suffer. It was very familiar from watching my mom take care of my dad when he was dying. Same time of year too. This time I could remind myself that my friend was likely to get better. Still I'm probably always going to hate mens' loungewear and the end of July/beginning of August.

I'm not going to try to call September.

So far this month I've had an art show. I'll post photos once I get them off of Pete's camera. His camera is currently locked in a cooler with a large bag of desiccant because, due to an enormous and uncharacteristic brain fart, he left his camera bag outside over a rainy night.

Some other good news is that I'm chipping away at my major art endeavor. I'm calling it an endeavor because it's the single largest project I've ever taken on in my life. Well, I'm not positive that it's larger than being married but it is up there. I know I've mentioned the novel/comic book/art pieces. What this really means is that there are characters, figurines, art pieces that the characters make, drawings, several comic books, photographs, paintings, possibly film, possibly animation, possibly performances in the works. There's a lot to figure out and a lot to learn. I'm really excited about it. I'll be working on this for years.

With all of the hard things that have been happening lately and making it difficult for me to enjoy anything, it's nice to have something positive to focus on. It's nice to have something to do that feels like progress.

Of course, with a project this large I could get bogged down and lost. Somehow that doesn't seem likely though. I feel like there are enough stages to work through and small parts to complete that I'll keep feeling like I'm accomplishing something. I'll have examples of progress made, areas completed and work to show that will keep me on track. Some parts could go way off in their own wild directions but there's nothing wrong with that.

Some highlights from August:

I love bees.

Fay snoozes in the laundry

It was a great year for lilies

The roses looking good before Irene

Testing A Theory

2011-08-09T20:25:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I've been slacking on the posts. Sorry. Again. Things have been hectic and demoralizing. Either I haven't had time to tell you about what's going on, I haven't been at liberty to tell you or I don't even want to think about it myself much less spread it around. I've pretty much been holding my breath until August, the first month in a long time that I can consider "mine."

This month I am saying no to almost everybody and everything that isn't me or my work. I need to recover from all this crap that I can't tell you about!

I've been away from my studio for so long that wanted to start right in "being productive." Eat right, exercise early in the morning before it gets too hot, meditate every day, revise my novel, work in my studio etc. I gave myself a little time to lay about doing nothing too. A little time.

Well today I decided that that's not enough. I'm being too serious and too "good" and it's not working at all. So I decided to just do what I feel like doing.

I'm still getting up early and exercising (if I feel like it. I tried Gold's Gym Cardio Workout for Wii and it's really fun - the time flies by) and meditating and revising my novel and working in my studio, I'm just not stressing about it. I'm not guilting myself into anything. I'm only doing what's easy and fun. I'm not thinking stuff like "you need to figure out something good for this character to do," or "the next logical thing to work on in this piece is blah blah blah..."

As with a hot fudge sundae, I'm just taking a bite of what's both nearest to me and most appealing. When I want to stop and go do something else, that's what I do. None of this "just finish one more blah blah blah" crap. I figure, I did make some progress, I got something done and that's enough.

I mean, you just can't force good work. You do have to show up and try but you can start with the easy fun stuff and see where that takes you.

I'm also eating watermelon and ice cream for lunch.

The lighthearted, haphazard tack I've decided to take actually fits in perfectly with what my novel/comic book/art pieces are about. What I'm working on now is about inspiration and the artistic process. It's not methodical. It's important but it's not DEADLY SERIOUS. It's supposed to be fun. It's supposed to be unconventional.

So I'm not going to be systematic. I'm going to make a mess. I think it's my job to make a mess. It's certainly my nature.

Besides, I want to have a good time after all of this loss and drama and grimness. I hope that loss and drama and grimness are just as sick of me as I am of them.

What To Do?

2011-07-22T07:50:00.001-04:00

I've noticed recently that I have a problem with acceptance. I'll repeatedly beat my head against a situation in search of a solution when sometimes there isn't one.

I wonder if it's because of all of the stories about heroism I've enjoyed in my life? All of those mysteries that are solved and tidily wrapped up in the end? I wonder if my finding that kind of thing deeply satisfying and inspiring might be hindering my ability to accept a situation in real life?

I always feel like there ought to be something I can do about something I don't like. Lately I've been meeting a whole slew of situations that I can't influence at all. It's been frustrating.

Of course the best way to figure out what to do about something is see it for what it is. To do that you have to accept it as it is. Observe and think before you act.

Sometimes there's something I can do. If there isn't though I need to accept that and move on. At least I've started to realize this. I hope the lesson sinks in soon!

2011-07-20T13:32:00.001-04:00

I know I was bragging about having time to think but it turns out I need more before I have anything worth telling you about.

In lieu of sharing my "interesting" thoughts I will give you a little garden tour, successes only:

A volunteer Balloon Flower (I love volunteers)

I believe this is Bibi Mazoon but I'm not positive

This guy's teeth light up at night. He's solar LED!

Butterfly bush doing its thing

Charlotte?

More tiki fun plus purple coneflowers. Hey Mel, it's not too late to set up the bird bath.

Crown Princess Margareta

Darcey Bussell

The sign says "It's five o'clock somewhere" and is accompanied by little metal sunset, hammock and fruity cocktail.

This is the grocery store rose from back in March. I'm so relieved that it's still alive.

Lady Emma Hamilton

Our so-called "walkway"

The irrigation system I set up actually works!

Aside from the grocery store rose all the roses are the ones I planted back in May. You wouldn't believe how fragrant they are. So far all the plants are alive and flowering but not all of them were photogenic today. I HOPE TO GOD I CAN KEEP THEM ALIVE THROUGH NEXT YEAR AND AFTER THAT!!!! I'm scared - can you tell?

HUGE WHITE SPIDER!!!

2011-07-09T18:43:00.002-04:00

Starting the day after tomorrow I'm going to have time to think. I know - can you believe it? Hopefully this will lead to some very inspired blog posts. Fingers crossed.

Today, however, will be all about wildlife. I found this spider in our vestibule, hanging over the front door. I wonder how many times we've passed below it without knowing it was there?

The face on its back looks pretty friendly.

I'm very glad that no one at our house has arachnophobia. We'd probably need to move. Actually, when you think of all the spiders that routinely live in our house this one wouldn't be an issue - we'd have moved already.

Update: Our friend and wildlife expert, Don, says he thinks this is a Barn spider. So exotic. It's latin name is Araneus cavaticus (slightly more exotic) According to wikipedia, it is the same kind of spider as Charlotte in Charlotte's Web.

In The Meantime

2011-06-30T16:51:00.001-04:00

The real news is that I just got back from the amazing and inspiring Eyeo Festival. You wouldn't believe the things I saw/heard/learned unless you were there yourself. I'll try to post links to the most extraordinary stuff if I can find it.

If you hit the link above and do a little reading the festival may seem to be a bit code/data heavy for an analog gal like me. There was, in fact, a great deal of overlap with many of the things I think about. Now I just need to chew on all of this and figure out what it means to what I do.

In the meantime, of course, shoes:

Irregular Choice does it again.

Canal Street Twizzler

2011-06-22T10:42:00.000-04:00

Canal Street Twizzler

Pete and I celebrated our twentieth wedding anniversary this month. Yep, that's 20th. What better place to celebrate anything than New Orleans?

The people! The food! The lack of responsibility for me! I LOVE THAT TOWN! It was just what we needed.

I could write many posts about it. I probably should. In any case, here are some more traditional photos of New Orleans-y things:

A Little On The Random Side

2011-06-11T10:40:00.002-04:00

My friend Jenn kicks ass. She sent me an awesome tote bag with this image on it. Thanks Jenn!

I felt very proud of myself yesterday. It was my last day of a short course of antibiotics and the day I figured out that certain of the possible side effects were affecting me: I was depressed, disoriented and drowsy. Despite this (sorry about the alliteration) I was very productive. For example I set up this automatic container watering system for when I can't be home to water the plants:

I also did a lot of other dumb junk that's too boring to mention here. The end result was that when bed time rolled around I was pretty satisfied with myself. I re-read a little "Mindfulness in Plain English" and hit the hay.

At three AM Pete woke me up saying, "I think Fay's out in the hallway." He turned on the light and Fay was, in fact, in her bed. "Something's in the house," he said. We got up to investigate. Have you ever seen a flying squirrel? They're really cute. About the size of a chipmunk only grayer and they have the most adorable big eyes. This one was sitting on the windowsill in the upstairs room Pete uses for his office. It looked calmly at us when we turned on the lights.

I eased over to the next window, opened it and removed the screen. We probably should have watched what happened next but we didn't. We just shut the door and checked back in five minutes. We think it left. We hope it left. We hope it doesn't come back with other family members.

Here's a photo of another peony in my garden. I love the intense color. I read the plant label yesterday. It's named after some lady but I don't remember who. (Note that there's a decorative "head" in the background of the photo)

Not to be confused with Paula Fay. Picture a bumble bee in there. Nice, huh?

Finally, I like these shoes:

They're Doc Martens.

Viva Zucchini Pants!

2011-06-08T13:38:00.000-04:00

I should have typos all the time! I'm getting lots of fun comments on the one below (some via e-mail/Facebook so you won't see them here) Keep 'em coming!

More Garden Turbulence

2011-06-07T20:01:00.004-04:00

When I returned home to Vermont the other day, I encountered this sorry mess:

Yes, this is one of the risks of mail-order gardening. These tomatoes arrived shortly after I left for Long Island. I asked Pete to put the box in the garage for me (the garage stays cool) Clearly I should have asked him to take the plants out of the box as well. They frigging rotted in there! Total loss.

This is one of those little things that Life is pissing me off with. If there weren't other, larger things going on as well then maybe this wouldn't have been quite so irksome. Maybe.

I have such gardening guilt. I try to talk myself out of it. So often I've had to be away at key gardening times. Still, I keep trying. I'm not a complete failure at it, I just wish I could do better.

This morning I woke up before five AM after dreaming that my mother and I were homeless. Funny thing, I couldn't get back to sleep. Maybe because I couldn't stop pondering the reasons why the dream was not entirely far-fetched?

It's been hot lately so I figured I might as well get out there and finish watering the roses and weed out the lettuce and see if I could find the pea vines which still need to be given supports.

So that's what I did and boy did it make me even surlier. First I was cursing myself for never being around. I was also cursing the many, many weeds sprouting up in my lettuce and in the paths between the beds (The beds looked more like paths than the paths did) I also cursed the lettuce that had already bolted. I did find the pea vines but it wasn't easy.

I got three mosquito bites through my bug shirt. I worried that it was getting too hot and that the lettuce would dry up and expire because I'd unsettled it. It was ten AM and already too hot for me to do any more. I didn't get the pea supports set up.

I dumped a little water on the lettuce beds and hoped for the best, then I went in and had second breakfast.

That, to me, is a great color to look at when you're feeling pissed off or down in the dumps.

The front walk looks pretty nice. I've never had pink lupines before. I love lupines.

I love garden photographs because it's so easy to make them look so beautiful: just don't put the bad stuff in the photo. Also, all the green stuff kind of looks alike. The weeds just blend away into the verdure, as illustrated below:

There are some big honkin' weeds in the front of this photo but even if you click on it and see it in a larger size the weeds are hard to spot.

I wasn't planning on posting this photo. I just took it for myself two days ago to have a record of the peony. It's called "Paula Fay." (I'll buy anything with "Fay" in it)

It did delight me this morning when I was fortunate to see it wide open, its bright, golden anthers contrasting beautifully with the deep pink of the petals. Then along came a giant bumblebee to roll around in there and make it look useful and even prettier.

It got to be over ninety degrees today. Those kind of temperatures make me furious - not that I needed any help with that. The sun's setting now though and things have cooled down. I'll probably put my BuzzOff clothing on and have a Cuban Mint Julep on the patio. I cooled myself down earlier by going out and getting three pints of ice cream. No, I didn't eat them all. I did have plenty though!

But it was so hot, look what it did to those peonies pictured above. These are the same flowers but this photo is from this afternoon:

So bleached out. It looks like a completely different bloom. Still pretty though. The deep pink bloom that opened today is a better example of the color it would normally be.

Also, I went and checked the lettuce. One bed has some survivors, the other is pretty much decimated except for the lettuce that bolted. Go me! Oh well, what's done is done. It's supposed to be in the nineties again for the next two days. Maybe when it mellows out I'll plant some more lettuce. Or maybe I'll move on to some other plant. I wonder if it's too late to buy some zucchini pants? I've never grown them.

Fight

2011-06-05T13:04:00.000-04:00

Me and Life are having a fight right now.

Life's like, "I do all this great stuff for you and all you do is mope and complain. What's your problem?"

And I'm all, "What's your problem? Why are you always hitting me all of a sudden? You're really pissing me off!"

And Life's all, "What do you mean I'm hitting you all of a sudden? You have all this great stuff. Nothing lasts forever. Nobody gets to keep everything. I took it easy on you for a long time there and this is the thanks I get? You're not here to get massages and presents every day. You're here to learn stuff. Grow the hell up!"

And I'm all, "GRRRRRR!!!!! I WANT NICE PRESENTS EVERY DAY AND I WANT YOU TO STOP BUGGING ME!"

And Life's all, "NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, DUMBASS. And P.S., you have to make up with me."

Amagansett, June 1, 8 AM, 2011

2011-06-03T09:44:00.001-04:00

It seemed foggier to me at the time than it does in the pictures. Probably my glasses were just fogged. If only you could hear the birds that were singing.

Nice Boat Ride But The Rest Of It...

2011-06-02T10:41:00.000-04:00

Man, it's a good thing I didn't know how my drive home would be. I would have gone right back to bed.

The ferry ride was beautiful but once we got to the Mass Pike all hell broke loose: flooding, hail, tornadoes! Nowhere to pull off, I just kept driving thinking, "am I being a complete idiot?" and "how do I get out of this?" White knuckles for sure.

I'm Scared

2011-06-01T12:32:00.000-04:00

Here I am, alone (with Fay) in the beach house. Mom just left for the airport to go back to California and I'm not leaving for another hour.

I'm scared. I'm scared that I did something wrong. Not anything special, just something. Or a lot of things. I'm scared that I'll never come back here again. I'm scared that all the good things will go away. I'm scared of all the difficult things I can see that I'm going to have to do in the next few months (I have a couple of fun things planned but they're not making up for the hard things right now) I'm scared of disappointing the people I will inevitably disappoint one day (or have already disappointed only I don't know it yet)

But hey, I can't just curl up and die - I have a ferry to catch and I love a boat ride.

Clam

2011-05-30T22:49:00.000-04:00

Mom and I have been to the clam bar twice since I last posted. Neither time did I remember to bring a camera with me (not even my phone) so no clam photos. My apologies for failing you as a blogger in this area.

We continue to clear out the beach house for rental in August. I had planned to come out here by myself this week and take care of it but Mom offered to come along. Thank God she did because it would have really sucked to have to do this alone. I must say that we've done a very good job. We celebrated our triumphs with rum and tonics on the deck tonight (before getting lobster rolls for dinner at the clam bar) I didn't think rum and tonic sounded very appetizing but it turns out to be quite delicious.

Fay is also having a good time. She enjoys running around the yard chasing cars and barking at them. I should probably get some video of this. She likes to be outside here more than she does in Vermont because the lawn here is far more sumptuous and there are far fewer black flies. In fact, there are no black flies. They do have very sneaky mosquitos here though.

Today it was very foggy when I awoke. After breakfast I walked down to the beach and it began to rain. You might think "well that sounds gloomy and unpleasant." It turns out that that was just the atmosphere I've been missing. I love the ocean but I've been feeling unable to connect with it the last several times I've had the good fortune to see it. I may have just needed to be alone with it.

The beach was pretty deserted today, I'll tell you. It felt so good to put my feet in the water and watch the waves crash and foam and see the light change and the clouds race by and to be pelted gently with rain. Since no one was talking to me or otherwise requiring my attention I could take the time to sound out my feelings, to actually feel them. So luxurious. Of course, then the rain picked up. It was cool though, I had an umbrella.

Later in the day the sun came out and Mom and I kicked butt on the list of chores we'd drawn up. All in all I'd say it was a very satisfying day.

Okay, so the plan for tomorrow: get video of Fay chasing cars. I think I can do that.

Some You Win, Some You Lose, Some You Win

2011-05-28T18:43:00.000-04:00

I was home to see (and smell) the tree peony bloom!

Ants have taken down this herbaceous peony by living in its roots :(

The view on the way to dinner was spectacular though :)

Yesterday I accomplished my goal of getting all the roses and strawberries planted. Whew! Go me! Then Pete took me out for nachos and beer. It was great!

Now I am traveling again. Hopefully tomorrow I can post photos of the fried clams I hope to devour.

My Lexicon Of Rocks And How To Dig Them

2011-05-27T13:31:00.001-04:00

I'm a little over half-way through planting all those roses. I absolutely have to finish planting them today but at the moment it's way too hot outside. Instead I will tell you all about the rocks I routinely dig up.

They are called, from left to right, top to bottom, flats, heads, potatoes and bibles.

Obviously, when you're gardening you have to dig holes in which to put your plants. Small plants need smaller holes, larger plants need larger holes. The roses I ordered turned out to be extremely high quality and as such have massive roots and require really deep holes. To plant them perfectly, with their roots un-bent and their bud unions* four inches under the soil line, I'd have to dig a hole about three feet deep.

As everyone who had to take U.S. history knows, the soil in New England is rocky. When I first started gardening I was lucky enough to try to purchase my first garden spade from a kindly shop keeper who was an experienced New England gardener. He steered me to the garden fork instead. It's much easier to tell what's dirt and what's rock when you're using tines instead of a single blade. When you hit a rock, the tines that hit dirt will keep going into the ground when a blade would just stop. That makes it much easier to find the edges of the rock(s) you just dug into than if you were using a spade.

The most common rocks are the flats. They're okay as long as they're not too big. Flats are fairly light and easy to dig out and they can be useful around the garden for marking paths and propping up pots. The down side of a big flat is that you end up digging up a much broader hole than you might have planned to dig to get around them. They can also be a hassle if they extend under an established plant.

Potatoes are the next most common and the easiest to dig up since your fork slides around their sides and you can get under them easily. They are also good for marking paths.

Heads are a mixed bag. On the one hand they're big and really heavy. It's hard to find their edges and hard to get under them. Sometimes when you do get under them they just spin in the hole instead of coming out of the ground. On the other hand, once you do get them out of the hole much of your hole is already dug for you! Also, digging up a head can feel like a nice accomplishment. Of course sometimes you end up not being able to get them out. Yesterday I had to abandon a place where I was going to install a group of three rose bushes because I couldn't get the head out of one of the holes. Of course it was the third hole and I'd already dug out the first two. That was disappointing. I haven't figured out what to do with heads other than use them as little points of interest among the plants.

Last fall I dug up my first bible. Bibles are my least favorite rock to come across. They seem to be flats at first so you're psyched because you think "oh that'll be out in no time" but then you can't seem to get under them. They have the broad surface area of a flat so you have the nuisance of having to dig a wider hole but they're heavier than a flat and they go much deeper. Plus, finding a head sounds so much more gruesome than finding a bible. Bibles are no fun.

I should say that bibles are my second-to-least favorite rock to come across. The real worst kind of rock to come across when you're trying to dig a hole is ledge. Ledge isn't going anywhere. You hit ledge and that plant is going to have to go somewhere else.

When you're gardening it's generally a good idea to start by planting the larger plants and then fill in the smaller ones. That way you're less likely to accidentally dig up or step on something you wish you hadn't.

If you're working with an established garden, like I am here, you tend to end up trying to fit things in between plants of all sizes that have been growing there successfully for years. It can be difficult to find large enough spaces in which to put things like monster, high-quality bare-root roses. Sometimes You'll find a space that's just the right size and start your digging. Then you discover that nothing is growing in that space because there's a huge rock there. You have to start over and re-think and try to discover another place to put your plant.

I tell myself that if I were a good gardener I'd make a plan and stick to it instead of just buying whatever pretty thing catches my eye whenever I feel like it. The truth is that you can't know for sure where you're going to be able to plant something until you've got the hole dug. Maybe my gardening life would be more reasonable if I stuck to a plan but even then there are no guarantees.

*The bud union is where the top of a less-hardy rose is grafted to the roots of a stronger rose, making the less hardy rose more likely to survive where it wouldn't using it's own roots. Aaaaa! It's a Frankenstein!!! That graft point is probably the most vulnerable spot on the rose plant and needs to be buried in most areas of New England for its own protection. Bury the Frankenstein!!!!

Why I'm Nervous About Today

2011-05-24T08:08:00.001-04:00

I was seduced by the garden porn in the David Austin Handbook of Roses 2011. Now I have to figure out where to put them all.

Roses don't generally seem to do all that well in this garden. Is it too wet? Too shady? Too cold? Is there too much competition? Voles? I don't know, and yet here I go trying again in a big way.

Every year I think "this year I'll do better. This year I'll get the mulching done and I'll do a better job of the weeding." Well maybe this is the year. You never know.

Not only do I have to figure out where to put them but I also have to put them there today. So I'd better get cracking!

Fortunately I had a good breakfast featuring home-made bread, a fried egg and this:

Well Hello There!

2011-05-13T12:55:00.000-04:00

It has been brought to my attention (hi Alex!) that I haven't posted in a while. Life keeps whizzing on by and I haven't had a lot of time to myself to think about things. That's my excuse.

For example, I met a celebrity:

I know he seems ornery in his films but keep in mind, he is an actor. In person he's quite charming.

Too Much Stuff

2011-04-22T10:29:00.004-04:00

I hate standing up to eat. I did it today though, so I could see the ocean while I had my breakfast. There it is, that little sliver of blue just above the hedge.

We're cleaning out my parents' beach house so it can be rented. They've owned the house for about fifteen years, maybe longer. Over the years lots of family members have stored their belongings here. Belongings they no longer want or have space for but didn't want to part with. Now Pete, Sarah, my brother and I are dealing with those things.

Yeah, it's not fun. So much stuff that people thought they needed or wanted. Much of it is still in good condition. Some of it is new. Most of it has gone to the local thrift store. Dad hoarded batteries, Mom has a thing for tablecloths. More than one couple in the family never opened some of their wedding gifts.

In the linen closet we discovered that mice had gotten in to one of those buckwheat filled microwaveable neck warmer thingies. Actually, Sarah found out the hard way. She had volunteered to reorganize the linen closet. She went to pull some cushion covers off a shelf and a living mouse came flying out of them. Needless to say we've vacuumed, washed all the linens and scoured the shelves.

We've been "cleaning out" a lot in the last several years. First when Mom and Dad moved to California, then when Pete and I sold our house in Brookline, then in California after Dad died. I guess this current instance falls into the "after Dad died" category too. That's probably part of why it sucks so much.

It's also kind of difficult to see so much high-quality, expensive stuff just go. Things that I wouldn't have chosen for myself, things that I couldn't afford to buy myself, things that should belong to someone whose home is a showplace.

These things are the detritus of divorces, deaths, bankruptcies, dreams that never manifested, dreams that came true but then ended. I'm finding it difficult to confront all this stuff. Over and over again. I keep more of it than I should because I don't want it to "go to waste" and because I could never afford to buy anything that nice and there it is for free. Maybe I'm also trying to rescue part of those dreams.

Someday I'm going to have to clean out my own house (next week?) Then what am I going to do?

At the moment our place is something of a warehouse. We have bags and boxes full of other people's once cherished possessions, as well as our own cheap junk. Pete and I are both too engaged in our own pursuits to take the time to make decorative vignettes. Our living spaces are small so there isn't much room for vignettes. Also, who wants to dust?

We should probably have an auction.

Managing all this stuff is difficult for someone like me who has terrible organization skills to begin with. Plus it's so much more than just managing stuff, it's also dealing with change.

Yesterday Sarah did something that was really helpful and that I hope has changed my perspective: she re-organized the kitchen cupboards. There were too many dishes in there. She streamlined and made things logical. She didn't just get rid of stuff, she improved the infrastructure.

This is how we can shape the change that happens to us. We can assess the loss, look at what remains and figure out what else needs to change so we can make what remains into something new and good.

I guess it's like a good pruning job: you don't just hack stuff off the top, you revitalize the whole plant. We might have to cut off the old branches that once served us well but are now getting in the way of the new growth. The tree will look different than what we were used to but it will be healthier and more productive.

Not that it's easy to do that.

My brother and Sarah left early this morning. Now it's just Pete, Fay and me. There's still a lot of cleaning and organizing that needs to be done before we go. Even then the house won't be ready for rental. I'll need to come back a couple more times to finish up.

This poor place needs more than a clean out though. I think I'd feel better if I could revitalize the whole place, not just the kitchen cupboards. All in good time.

Not Bad

2011-04-14T21:00:00.000-04:00

Despite a not very promising beginning (nightmares all night, then feeling as though I'd been hit by a truck when the morning came) today has gone pretty well.

Some of my fears about the onset of spring involve the overwhelming tasks that need to be tackled in my garden. SO MANY WEEDS TO BE DEALT WITH - SO MUCH MULCHING TO DO!!!! Evil grass to be eradicated, problems to solve, LIVES AT STAKE!!!! Plant lives, and those count to me.

Today I was able to walk around the garden and make a huge, multi-page list of all the things I could see that needed to be done. I know I missed some and that even more tasks will become apparent as time goes on but I just wrote down everything I could see today. Then I broke the list down into three sections based on importance, urgency and logistics (i.e.: pull weeds then mulch) Finally I listed every task in the order in which they should be done.

Some tasks clearly require more energy than others (like assassinating all the brambles versus moving a vine support) so in the interest of getting everything done I should do one difficult/urgent thing in a day then some less taxing/important things. I think I'll get to the end of the list more quickly that way without killing myself.

I feel much better now that I have a sensible plan. Now I just need the weather to cooperate. I know that I'm very unlikely to accomplish every task to my satisfaction but that's just part of gardening. Hell - it's part of doing anything. Some things you just have to let go.

Another thing I did today was try out my cupcake maker. I bought it last summer from Think Geek (who doesn't sell them anymore but they do have this really cool customizable pocket knife) because it was cheap ($20) and I wanted cupcakes but since it was summer and really hot, I didn't want to turn on my oven. Since last summer bit so hard I never had the time to try out the machine. Today was finally the day.

There it is, baking away. You can also see my nifty, beloved new silicone-tipped cooking chopsticks (from jbox.com - or jlist if you're feeling porny) which were excellent for getting the cupcakes out of the machine. The machine is basically a waffle iron with divots instead of a waffle grid. Fill the divots with batter, close the lid and in eight minutes you have seven mini-cupcakes.

The cupcake maker is not a time saver. You can cook something like two-dozen mini cupcakes at a time if you use a real oven and a mini cupcake pan. (I could go look at my pan and count exactly how many you can make but then I'd have to get up) Making only seven at a time makes the baking process more like making cookies - you have to do batches. But, as I said before, the cupcake machine doesn't heat up your house. Also, Fay has no interest in attacking counter-top appliances. The same cannot be said for the oven. I got to make these cupcakes in peace and she didn't have to go to jail. The machine works well. The cupcakes didn't stick at all and they're delicious, home made cupcakes. 100% win.

Naturally not all of the cupcakes made it into this photo. Pete and I had to do a little sampling first. Then I ate all five of the frosted ones you see here. I had to. Well, okay, maybe I didn't have to.

The Second Loaf

2011-04-13T13:13:00.000-04:00

I returned to Vermont four days after having stunk up the house with my seasoned pizza stone. The house still stank. Pete had gotten used to it so he couldn't tell but the stink took the wind out of my sails. Other times I've stunk up up the house with my cooking the smell has dissipated by the middle of the next day. I wasn't sure I wanted to put us all through the horrible odor again.

Today we ran out of bread. So what the hell - I tried again:

This one's much prettier since I used more flour to shape the dough and I remembered to slice the top before putting it in the oven. We opened most of the windows in the house right away. The stone still stank (this time) but I think a little less, and it never smoked. You can even get a hint of the nice baked bread smell if you're lucky. So I have hope that one day the stone will stop stinking even though I don't have a self-cleaning oven.

It's Dread Season

2011-04-11T23:04:00.000-04:00

Today was the first warm day of the year, both in Boston and in Vermont (at least, the first warm day I've experienced up north this year)

I think that's why I was feeling doom-y all day. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I even had a nice day planned - lunch with my sister-in-law followed by a trip to Penzey's spice store. My kind of fun and yet I just felt this strong undercurrent of dread. I didn't sweat it too much since it's not entirely unfamiliar. I just went on with my day and we had a good time.

Throughout the day I actually got a lot of green lights. Literally. I made all kinds of traffic lights that are usually red when I get to them. Things went really smoothly today. Still I couldn't shake the unease.

On the drive up to Vermont I suddenly realized that I'm scared of summer. I wish I was joking but I'm not.

I have a friend who hates New Years. She says it's not about her getting older, it's about change and the passing of time, about good things going away. I wonder if my fear of summer is something like that? I mean there are plenty of practical reasons why summer is not a good season for me (sunburn, humidity, especially delicious blood...)but none that explain the dread.

No matter though. Tonight Pete and I sat out on our patio with a couple of beers and some wasabi cheetos. We listened to the first owls and spring peepers, saw the first bats circling overhead, watched the half moon disappear behind rain clouds rolling in and felt unexpected zephyrs waft by. I began to come to terms with the oncoming change of seasons. I still felt as though doom is coming my way but I kind of got fed up and yelled out loud, "well okay then, come and get me!" That made me feel better. That and the nature and remembering the things I like about summer.

Bread Update

2011-04-10T09:19:00.001-04:00

Subtitle: Do Not Season Your Pizza Stone

I had to leave Vermont on Friday so I only tried a tiny piece of the bread before I left. I thought it was a little bland and gluey but the crust was nice. Still, it's only the first try and I intend to try many more times and make lots of different recipes from the book. I just tried the basic, white loaf.

Plenty of stuff could have gone wrong. For example I might have over-handled the dough because I didn't realize how sticky it was. Also, the directions say to put the loaf in the oven before it has fully preheated as that will be hot enough to start and it will get there eventually. My oven is bottom of the line and also lacks a calibrated knob so I have to guess where to set the temperature* (it never seems to be the same place on the knob twice either so I really rely on my oven thermometer) This time the oven did not get hot enough so I had to crank it part way through. Next time I'm going to wait until the thermometer says what I want it to say. The dough's flavor may also become more complex over time. And, as usual, room temperature in our house is sixty-two degrees so the dough may not have risen properly.

All of that said, Pete says he likes the bread and that it toasts well.

He also says that the house still stinks and that it was really sad when he dried off after his shower because the stench had infused his towel. That is so wrong. A house in which bread has been baked should only smell delightful

He told me that members of the band that are up there now have also had problems with a stinky pizza stone so I did some googling. It turns out that, contrary to the instructions, pizza stones do not need to be seasoned and if you season them they will smoke and reek. They say that if you open all the windows in your house and put the stone in the oven set to self-clean you can burn the stench out of the stone. Of course my oven doesn't have the self-cleaning feature but I'm hoping that I can still burn the stench out over time.

Yeah man, I'm not giving up! I'm going back for more! It's just my nature! I'm only glad that it's now warm enough that we can reasonably open all the windows in the house.

*It's a miracle any time any of my baked goods come out okay because temperatures fluctuate fantastically in that oven.

It's Just My Nature

2011-04-09T14:38:00.001-04:00

My secret weapon for today

I am a rebel. My hair is large and in charge. I'm wearing a black bra. Everyone else here (at the reservoir) is exercising - I am eating an eclair. I can tell they're all jealous. Also, I recycle - TO THE EXTREME!!!!!

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Activity

2011-04-08T12:19:00.003-04:00

Yay! I got to go out with Michaela last night. It was a very satisfying girls' night which included prosecco and "Death By Chocolate." Such a cliché but what are you going to do?

Yesterday I mixed up my first batch of no-knead bread dough from the book, "Artisan Bread In Five Minutes A Day." Today I baked a loaf.

This being me, there were a few incidents:

The new olive oil in the bottle I just bought (Hannaford brand - I should have known) which says "use by 11/17/12," smells so rancid when you heat it up. I used it to oil my pizza stone when I baked the bread so now the whole house smells like hot, rancid olive oil.
Towards the end of the baking time my eyes began tearing and stinging. It turns out the house was filling with smoke. The bread was fine, not burnt. I have no idea what what caused the smoke. The cornmeal? Some weird drip in the oven that I didn't see? The crappy olive oil?
As you can see in the photo above, I forgot to slash the top of the loaf before I put it in to bake.

Three "incidents" isn't so bad. This was my first attempt at this method so it doesn't bother me that the loaf is misshapen because I didn't put enough flour on my hands when I was shaping it. I have a five-quart tub of dough in my fridge so I'll have plenty of chances to practice over the next two weeks (which is how long the dough keeps)

First I have to track down that smoking substance though!

The loaf is cooling now (and faster because I opened up so many windows to let the smoke out) It smells good - against the odds - so hopefully it will taste good too.

Maybe next time the house will smell like fresh baking bread instead of reek and stench.

Sigh

2011-04-06T17:08:00.002-04:00

Here is an amazing pair of shoes that I will not be buying for myself:

They are from Modcloth, Jeffrey Campbell. They are so cool! But no. Can't have everything.

And, while we're at it, how about these from John Fluevog?

So beautiful. Oh well... Lots of new stuff on the Fluevog page. Irregular Choice is at it again too:

Little bears stuck to 'em. As usual, many other mad and delightful styles popping up on the Irregular Choice page. I'm watching this pair to see if they come out in another color.

F.I.

2011-04-05T14:15:00.000-04:00

Last week I was whining that Life could be more direct when it's trying to tell a person something. A couple of days later the message was received.

Things have been confusing and I've been trying so hard to function to my best ability. Trying to keep working hard, take care of myself, figure out what the new normal is. I was frustrated when my best efforts kept failing, when I tried to do everything right and still everything went wrong.

Finally I got the idea that maybe the new normal is: Duh, Life's a pain in the ass. Just plow through. Do the "right" thing or do the "wrong" thing. Whatever - just do what you have to do get what you want done.

Sometimes things just happen. Sometimes it's not meant to be. Sometimes you fail. Sometimes you luck out and sometimes you win. If life pelts you with crap, smack it back. It might even be fun.

That's my attitude this week. We'll see how long it lasts.

Barely Fits

2011-03-31T23:17:00.000-04:00

Now here it is hanging in the gallery:

All of that work is mine.

I just don't do things the easy way so it was a bit of a struggle getting this thing hung. We brought it up to the gallery last night. It took both Pete and me, me to carry the thing by one edge of the canvas and Pete to carry in the stretchers and to open the doors for me - it's not like I could put it down.

Today when we went in to hang our work I found that one of the strawberries had a huge rip in it, Fortunately I'd brought the red paint. I spackled over the rip with gobs of paint and smoothed the paint over with a paintbrush I fashioned from rolled up paper towel. The rip should be fine. Now I just have to hope that nothing comes crashing down overnight.

Of course if some of the Fuck plates come crashing down that could be cooler. Self-fulfilling sentiment.

Here's Pete's side:

Now we just need people to come see our work!

Mixed Bag

2011-03-29T21:15:00.001-04:00

I was furious for most of today. I was supposed to go have dinner with Michaela tonight but I woke up with a cold. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!! We haven't met in ages, in part because it's been mud season and she couldn't get off her mountain (the roads were too bad) Also because I couldn't eat or drink anything but crackers and water.

This cold was a real disappointment because I feel like I've been taking care of myself. I've been eating mostly normally again for about a week. I haven't been drinking much alcohol. I've been mostly at home, going to bed at a decent hour, meditating and doing yoga, working steadily but not trying to overdo it.

We had a party for Pete's birthday this past Saturday (if you weren't invited, check your junk mail folder - or else it was an oversight. We went retro and invited people by e-mail) That night I had two beers and went to bed at around 2:30 AM (I also had a really fun time) The next morning we got up at 9:30 and had brunch with some other friends. That's it for any kind fun activity. No craziness at all.

Short of not getting out of bed at all, I don't know how much easier I can take it. I guess I haven't been that sick lately. There was the hell flu in January then the food poisoning and now this. That's a lot for me though. It makes me wonder if Life is trying to tell me something. Couldn't it just send me an e-mail or post it on my wall or something? Yes, I do need it spelled out for me! Thank you!

I've been stressing a little about getting my painting done in time for Friday. It's very almost there. I got some stretchers for it so it has support now. The only problem is that the painting doesn't fit in the car when it's on the stretchers. I'm going to have to take it apart to get it to the show and reassemble it on site. Wish me luck.

In floral news, I succumbed to the charms of yet another grocery store plant. This time it's a gardenia. Gardenia is one of my favorite smells. I've been lucky enough to have gone to Trader Vic's more than once. At Trader Vic's every lady gets a gardenia blossom in her drink. Gardenia blossoms are few and far between in my experience.

Too bad this isn't smelevision.

The problem with gardenia bushes in New England is that they are very sensitive. The first time I bought one it got too cold on the way from the market into my house. I just drove from the market to my house (five minutes) and carried it in the house. All the nice, fat buds fell off the plant.

So you pretty much have to time your Gardenia acquisition to a day when it's well over freezing outside. This gardenia is also very thirsty. It needs to be watered every other day or so. Conventional wisdom for house plants (as far as I know) is that you water them once a week. I left this plant for four days last week and when I got back it had collapsed. I had watered it the day I left. It has recovered with no ill effects, hallelujah. Next time I go back to Cambridge this plant is going with me. Like a pet.

So far both plants are doing well. They're both showing new growth. I have high hopes for them making it past the last frost date and out into planters on my patio.

Overall I feel that I've come to terms with today. I didn't get to see my friend and I feel physically uncomfortable but so far so good with my painting and my flowers are pretty and smell nice. I can be at peace with that. March, the vilest month of the year, is almost over (I hope it doesn't kick my ass for saying that) Maybe April will be more fun. You never know.

Farewell to you all, from Puffs Plus Mountain!

Erin go Bragh

2011-03-17T12:24:00.000-04:00

In agricultural zone 6 (where Boston is) today's the day you can plant peas.

My area in Vermont is in zone 5 (at best) Here's what my garden looks like today:

It will be a while before I put in any peas.

This Morning

2011-03-16T10:18:00.000-04:00

Work

2011-03-15T13:48:00.000-04:00

This thing's coming along.

I just have to crochet the strawberry leaves and paint them the right color and figure out exactly what to do with the bottom. This thing's also going to need some kind of support so I'll have to figure that out too and get the lumber for it. I think I can have it done by the end of the month.

Naturey But Not Chronological

2011-03-14T22:02:00.002-04:00

I succumbed to the charms of a grocery store rose.

This rose is not from our local market. It's from the one in Keene that is larger and nicer and has nice produce. Their bread is only so-so too though. It's just that it's March so it's dark and cold and wet. That white in the background is about a foot of snow. If I can keep the thing alive long enough I'll plant it in a pot on my patio. Wish me luck. This photo is from today.

The following photo is from last week. When we got to VT last week there had been an ice storm. The morning after we arrived the sun was shining brilliantly and the trees sparkled like my favorite iridescent glitter. I tried to capture the effect with the camera but, of course, it didn't work. Still, you can start to see the different colors in some of the sparkles in the photo below.

Here's a long shot for the bigger picture.

Oh Once-Beloved Food

2011-03-13T11:46:00.002-04:00

Okay, here's the situation: I'm afraid of food now. Yup.

I'm back to my normal coffee drinking levels (a mug and a half in the morning) but food, uh uh. I've tried yogurt and it hasn't gone so well digestively. I get heartburn really easily.

I was looking at some food blogs and I found out that I don't want to see fried food. No cheese burgers, no bacon (which is kind of a relief really) no spicy, nothing smothered with cheese or sauce. Stews or sandwiches I could have a little bit. Desserts, a little bit. NO MAYO!!!! NO SMOTHERING!!!!! I'm even afraid of whipped cream and chocolate. So sad!

Food is my main joy in life. If I had something to celebrate I wouldn't know what to do! Just say "Yay!" I guess.

I haven't had the nerve to try booze yet either. That's probably for the best since I'm barely eating anything. Whole wheat bread, brown rice, braised kale and eggs. Last night I made some black beans with a little bit of sauteed onion and garlic and a teeny bit of olive oil. It wasn't terrible but it wasn't one-hundred percent comfortable either.

It makes me wonder how much discomfort I had before that I didn't notice. Maybe I'm just being over-sensitive and wimpy?

When Pete and I were finally able to eat foods other than bananas, saltines and broth I was glad with an ungrateful streak. It's so much easier to eat those things. No preparation and hardly any dishes (though you do use up all the bowls and spoons you own pretty quickly) It leaves plenty of time for uninterrupted knitting and web surfing.

Before salmonella I was always hungry. It's hard work feeding a hungry person healthfully. You have to prepare a lot of vegetables. You have to think ahead and be sure to have all the ingredients you need. Healthy food doesn't have a massively long shelf life. Generally you can't just open a package and stuff something in your face. I wasn't looking forward to getting back into that rat race (the healthful eating rat race) frequent marketing and preparing.

Our nearest market (in VT - actually, NH) is kind of a bummer too. It's about a twenty-five minute drive away which isn't too bad but it doesn't have the greatest food. They have shrink wrapped lettuce. They have other lettuce too, thank God, but the first ten feet of produce when you go in the door is shrink wrapped. The first thing you see in the market - like it's a good thing. I try not to buy bread there because even the "gourmet" bread they have there is mass produced - rubbery and weird-tasting. Once we bought a bag of mass market bread from the bread aisle there (I don't know why) and it tasted like the cleaning supply aisle smells. It was really strange. It tasted like "spring fresh" scent. That is so wrong.

I'm so spoiled I don't want to stop what I'm doing and go to the grocery store so I can have healthy food! Or in this case, dig around for the meager remnants of healthy food that my nearest grocery store carries. Needless to say they don't have anything local. They do have some organic vegetables and dairy products. Meats are all mass produced.

Fortunately the Saxtons River Market has local bread and local meats. That makes for an extra stop but it is on the way.

None of this matters yet though because I can't bring myself to eat much of anything. Fortunately I'm not as famished these days as I usually am.

I'm sure it's just a matter of time.

The question is, what can I do now for pleasure? The answer is, make art. So now Mel, get off the computer and go to the studio!

Some Things I Learned From My Stomach

2011-03-11T09:22:00.002-05:00

It's been informative to have my stomach out of commission this week. I found out a couple of things I didn't know about myself.

For one thing, I worry more than I thought I did. I find I pay more attention to body parts when they aren't working as well as they normally do. This week I've noticed every time my stomach twinged because I'd thought of something that made me anxious. Mostly the twinges were caused by thinking of someone I know who has a problem (which is pretty much everybody) Just the slightest passing thought about someone would make my stomach tense up.

Anything that reminded me of someone could cause a twinge. For example, a couple of nights ago I heard the distinctive rattle of an aluminum ladder bouncing on the metal rack of a contractor's pickup as he drove down our road at four in the morning. I heard this sound in my sleep. My stomach twinged because the sound made me think of a contractor I know who is having major issues right now. In other words, a very common background sound made my stomach twinge with anxiety.

Like everybody else, I hear background sounds and think of friends all day long. Until I became aware of how my gut felt I didn't know that I was stressing about them.

It's not like I can do anything about other people's problems. It doesn't help them for me to feel bad for them. I'm not sure I can stop though. I want everyone to be happy and for everything to be fine. That's just not possible. Accept it!!!!

The other thing I found out is that on a small scale I'm an emotional eater. It used to be that if I got a little bored or a little sad - low level, in passing, while doing other things and not particularly noticing in the front of my mind - I'd have a couple of nuts or a piece of chocolate or something. Just a quick little redirection of my thought patterns from fretting to my mouth to the next thing to think about. Attitude adjusted, I'd move on and continue whatever it was I was doing.

That process is less rewarding when the most you can stomach in a day is a banana or some saltines. Because I was unable to just casually grab a snack (unable or unwilling) I noticed how often I had the impulse do do so.

Not sure what I'm going to do about that either.

I need to either reduce the discomfort level in my life or learn to bear with it better. I think the latter is more likely. Or else I could just accept that I am what I am and I deal with it as best I can.

I think I need to come to terms with the fact that problems aren't merely problems and that fixing things for other people isn't always helpful. Not that I can fix anything for anyone else, but also I should get out of the habit of wanting to. We all learn from solving problems. That's why there's math homework. Mostly we don't like it but still, it's good for us. Not to be too self-helpy but confronting problems gives everyone the opportunity to learn and grow. It gives us character and experience and hopefully compassion for others. I shouldn't wish to take those opportunities away from someone else just because I think I might be able to deal with them better or because it makes me uncomfortable to watch someone struggle.

I'm just trying to talk myself into thinking this way. Bad things happen and we have no control. Wishing it were otherwise doesn't help. Worrying when there's nothing you can do doesn't help. It's just so hard to be rational! It's much easier to think sensibly than to feel sensibly.

Whiner

2011-03-07T22:16:00.000-05:00

I have to say that we did have a really nice time in Florida. Pete's parents were great hosts and so nice to invite us down out of the frigid Northeast. The warmth and beauty of the place was so welcome.

I got to wear shorts and sandals and my hair frizzed up and actually looked good that way. The orange groves were in bloom so everything smelled like orange flowers. We even saw a Roseate Spoonbill in the pond behind my in-laws' house.

Everything was perfect until the stomach cramps kicked in.

This Week - Some People Would Just Stay Home

2011-03-07T15:43:00.002-05:00

Pete and I went to Florida to visit his parents.

It was windy. It was also warm enough that I didn't care that my flab was sticking out from under my shirt.

We found some hair on the beach. Don't worry - it was just extensions or something. The hair was all sewn together at one end in a long strip.

Pete's dad and I battled for dessert.

One night I tried Mofongo: plantains mashed together with pork and garlic. It's something like mashed potatoes. I gotta say it's better fresh than reheated the next day. The kind I got had shrimp in garlic butter over it. Hefty! I'd try it again with a different accompaniment.

Another day Pete and I went to the beach club for lunch. We got salads for lunch, then we went to the ice cream store. I got rum raisin with these beautiful multi-color Sno-caps:

Pete got a sundae.

Later that night Pete and I got salmonella. We think it was the salads. It couldn't have been the ice cream - right?

We spent our last day doing salmonella stuff and an extra day at Pete's parents' house recovering. Who wants to fly sitting next to someone with salmonella? Not that we could have made it to the airport without passing out. Three days later and we still can't eat solid food.

Poor Jill who was watching Fay agreed to stay an extra day (HALLEFRIGGINGLUJAH - THANK YOU!!!!!)

So today we were making our way up to Vermont. We had the car all loaded up and Pete was pulling out of the parking space in the garage. He said "is there something wrong with your steering?" I said, "I don't think so." Then I got out of the car to find that we had a flat tire.

Hmmmm.

So I carry Fay back up to the apartment while Pete checks at the tire place across the street. (Nice to have one across the street)

You need a key to get from the garage into our apartment's hallway. Mine got stuck in the lock. I had to put Fay down (so she's running loose in the hallway which the Trustees don't like) and get my key ring off the key in the door so I could put Herself into the apartment. Then I spent ten minutes jiggling the key around trying to get it out of the lock.

Pete came back and suggested I call the management company (no, I wouldn't have thought of that. I'm a dim bulb) while he took the car to be sorted.

So now the key is out - took the handyman about five minutes to get here and one to get the key out - and the tire is fixed (YAY - we don't have to buy four new tires for our all-wheel-drive car!) and we can go to Vermont. For two days then come back. Fine!

Wow, Who Knew?

2011-03-02T22:42:00.000-05:00

I was looking at my blog stats today and I was AMAZED to see that people in China, Vietnam, Japan, Australia, India and Saudi Arabia have been looking at my blog.

Hi non-U.S. people! I hope you like my blog! Tell me where to find your blogs and I'll take a look too!

That may have come out wrong. Hi everybody who looks at my blog anywhere in the world! Tell me where to find your blogs and I'll take a look too!

Not So Simple

2011-02-25T18:24:00.006-05:00

It may be that we're gearing up for a major rant around here. It's making me antsy to be the target (as we all are) of constant advertising.

"Real Simple" is chafing my friend, Aqua Nettie, on a daily basis. As for me, I found out more about the soak off gel manicures they were pimping to "change your life (and make every day a little bit easier)" in this month's issue. The manicure is supposed to be completely dry "within minutes" and last two to three weeks without chipping.

It turns out that they are often done improperly and don't last as long as they're supposed to. Also, many manicurists are not interested in removing them correctly because soaking them off takes too much time. Instead they just file the gel off, removing enough natural nail material to damage and weaken nails in the process.

The gel can be removed at home if you want to make sure it's done right. To do so you have to soak a piece of cotton in acetone and wrap it around your nail with aluminum foil for ten minutes - a little labor intensive and you have to involve aluminum foil.

If you want to do your own gel manicures at home you need to invest in the curing lamp for them, the gels and brushes. The article I read didn't mention how you clean the brushes. Probably more acetone. So you're generally better off going to a nail salon and hoping they're perfectionists.

A (truly) simple google reveals all. (That's where I got my info)

Personally I'm fine with regular nail polish which I can do myself when I have the time and inclination. There's also Sula peel off nail polish which dries very quickly and doesn't require a solvent to remove. It's not meant to last much more than a day though. Speaking as a color fiend, that doesn't bother me - I can change Sula colors a few times a day if I want to.

So, "Real Simple," to you again I say: PHOOEY.

Also, I was flipping though the latest Williams Sonoma catalog (at least it's obviously trying to sell me things rather than pretending to care about my too-busy life) and wondering who the hell buys that stuff. I mean, I admit I lust after some of the knives (I LOVE good knives) but there is absolutely no point in owning an avocado tool. Unless your kitchen drawers are waaaay too empty and you think they look lonely.

Look how bulky that thing is.

Maybe later I can work myself into an amusing tizzy and put in a full report.

Ain't That Too Bad?

2011-02-24T11:28:00.001-05:00

I'm having one of those moments where I know I have zero clue.

I was just looking out the window into the back yard at what appears to be a path through the snow-filled woods behind our house. I know that there isn't really a path there, the way just looks like it's clear. If I were to go out and try to walk on that "path" there would in fact be all kinds of rocks and fallen branches, probably some brambles and definitely soft patches in the snow that would trip me and send me face first into a nearby tree or something. Trip! Wham! Blink, blink blink... snow all over my face, sticks in my hair.

That is exactly how I feel about life right now. I feel like I'm walking around with a bag over my head and I can't see where I'm going or if/when I'm going to bump into something.

Only I can see. I can see beautiful things and sad things and neutral things. I just can't see the route to take that would be the most beneficial.

I want some answers! I want explanations! I want to know! Ain't that too bad?

I know you're supposed to "enjoy the ride" but I find that hard to do when there are so many sudden smacks in the face along the way. It's enough to make a girl want to just get right back in bed.

It's not even like I have a well thought out plan that I'm putting in motion. I'm just going to the studio every day to work. I don't have massive goals to thwart. Why do I feel like I'm about to fall down a hole?

In Making News

2011-02-14T18:16:00.000-05:00

I did manage to make chocolate chip cookies with bacon in them today. I cut about two tablespoons of butter and half the salt from the original recipe and added half a cup of cooked bacon in with the nuts and chocolate chips. They came out good. Pete approves and he wasn't so sure it would be a good idea.

I wish they were a little more bacon-y. As you can see I broke the bacon up into chocolate-chip sized pieces. Some of them broke down even more when they were incorporated into the batter. I think they should be bigger so I'll use larger pieces next time (whenever that is - I don't usually buy bacon)

Also I'll try to use some solidified bacon fat in place of some butter for more bacon flavor. I'm not positive more bacon pieces is the way to go. When you eat the cookie the bacon breaks down more slowly than the rest of the cookie and you can be left with, well, meat dregs in your mouth. Kind of like the coconut when you eat a Mounds bar. It's not a huge problem but I'm not sure I like that.

Whenever I use the oven Fay has to be banished to jail.

This is because she has a life-long hatred of ovens and will attack them if she knows they're in use. Don't ask me why - I don't know of anything an oven ever did to her. Except once she was able to bite an in-use oven and she got burned on her lip. She was so busy beating up the oven though that she didn't notice until afterwards. I'm sure she had no idea why her lip hurt. So you see, it's jail for her. She protests.

Poor thing - the whole house has smelled like bacon all day.

Say What?

2011-02-14T16:00:00.005-05:00

What is the MATTER with people?

Real Simple magazine is claiming that hair and eyelash extensions will change my life (and make every day a little bit easier) I am OUTRAGED. That's just two of the five beauty treatments they mention on the cover. The other three are Keratin treatments (which require both the stylist and client to wear safety masks during the process due to toxic fumes) to keep hair frizz (the bane of human existence) down, a gel manicure (not so bad I guess, considering) and laser hair removal. What do any of these things have to do with SIMPLICITY? I ask you!

I find it very simple, easy and cost effective to not feel that I ever have to try to look like a supermodel.

In O Magazine they're telling us that we need to organize the bacteria in our guts. It mostly boils down to eating real food instead of processed. Ta-dah! Rocket surgery!

Finally, Anthropologie is selling this $298.00 bathing suit.

If that seems outrageous to you you could go for this faux tankini for only $278.00.

Sigh. What's a reasonable* person to do? My plan is to forget about all this crap now that I've complained about it publicly. Real Simple's in the recycle bin. There are still a few articles I want to check out in O though. That one's always a mix and you have to expect it. At least it's not claiming to be the opposite of what it really is.

UPDATE: Michaela did a little research and found that you can get a flight from Boston to San Juan, Puerto Rico for $232.00 including tax.

Also, I have no problem with hair or eyelash extensions or fake nails or hair dye or most of the things people do to try to make themselves look better or different. A lot of them are or sound like fun. What I object to is the claim that they make your life easier. No they don't. Sorry.

*Like how I'm calling myself reasonable when all I think about is shoes?

Homicide

2011-02-13T22:45:00.000-05:00

I know you're sick of hearing about it but I think Irregular Choice is trying to kill me. Yes, they are still adding new styles and colors every couple of days. Here's the most recent pair to catch my eye.

How am I supposed to resist this onslaught?

The pair below is not for everyone (including me, as much as I love bats) They have the amazing Shirley Temple heel and leathery bats on the front. They also come in black.

My beloved friend Michaela (also here) was AWESOME enough to say to me last night that these shoes (any of them - she didn't mean a specific pair) are not that expensive and that it's probably worth it to buy some (plural!) - even if they aren't in my size - just to make art with them. Spoken like a true friend, artist and understanding shoe fiend.

Of course I completely agree. So many of these fit in uncannily with the novel I wrote and the comic book/multi-media project I've been working on. I'd almost be an idiot not to stock up. By God these things look like my art work. The only trouble is that there are SO MANY I love so which do I choose? I can't have them all.

In bacon news, I postponed making the cookies until tomorrow. I spent today crocheting large flowers for another piece I'm working on instead.

So much to make! So much to make!!!!

Chocolate, CREEPY, Bacon

2011-02-12T16:50:00.004-05:00

Today I made chocolate chip cookies for Pete. I think I may have eaten six of them myself already. BAD MEL!!! Maybe it was only five?

Anyway, while I was doing the dishes I had VPR on (yes, I'm a member) and "Radiolab" was on. They were discussing the Uncanny Valley effect. This is what you get when someone attempts to make a facsimile of a human (say a robot or a CGI character) and they get pretty close but not close enough. Anyone viewing the not-close-enough facsimile gets creeped out* and can't stand to keep looking at the thing. They said a scientist tested the effect with monkeys and the monkeys all got creeped out too.

This completely explains my lifetime aversion to that Scientology guy who jumped on Oprah's couch. (Ew. I don't even like typing his name in my blog. Ick! I typed it but I had to change it! Shudder) Brad Pitt is headed that way too. When the posters for the film of "The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button" were up everywhere I couldn't stand to look at them either. CREEPY!!! Giant photoshopped faces of Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett. Yeee!

Bad plastic surgery causes the same effect. They'd better watch it out there in Hollywood. I wish someone would fund arts education at least for the folks who decide which people we all have to look at in our popular culture. Wabi-sabi everyone! Please!

I'd better stop thinking about this because I'm giving myself the heebie-jeebies.

I will move on to state that tomorrow I plan to make another batch of chocolate chip cookies. This time I will be putting fresh cooked bacon bits in with the chocolate chips and walnuts. I need to find out if it works!!!

*becomes profoundly unnerved. See, I don't have to talk like a hippie.

Loony Winter Weather Lover

2011-02-09T17:45:00.000-05:00

I know this is only more evidence that I am crazy (why should I try to deceive you?) but now is one of my favorite times of the year.

This is the time of year when nobody seems to feel entitled to demand that I stop what I'm doing and devote myself to their problems. It's also the time of year when if anyone does demand any such thing I don't feel bad declining. In other words, this is the time of year when I have most of my time to myself. This is when I get most of my work done. If I had better interpersonal boundaries I might be able to get work done year round. Maybe I should work on that.

Also, I like snow and cold weather. Snow is beautiful. Cold weather is bracing. I even like shoveling snow. It's great full-body exercise. Shoveling snow is in fact pretty easy: all it really takes is patience and determination and you can shovel all the snow you need to. Okay, it's not as easy in urban areas where you need to be very careful about where you place your shovel-fulls. Still, that just requires more patience and determination and maybe some resourcefulness. Those are skills that I find it really rewarding to practice. When you shovel a lot of snow you feel like you've really accomplished something.

That said, I'm not a huge fan of slippery sidewalks.

I am a huge fan of s'mores and fondue.

Just Bragging

2011-02-08T17:31:00.000-05:00

I'm a brute! Look what I did!

Pete dug the garage out while I was emptying the deck. Now I'm going to lie on the floor and ask for schnapps.

It's Winter

2011-02-08T11:58:00.000-05:00

My deck is pictured below. Yes, I will be shoveling later today.

No need to worry about running out of ice this time of year.

Wild Women

2011-02-05T11:39:00.001-05:00

Pete, Marc and I went to see Neko Case on Thursday night. She was excellent.

There was something about the crowd that surprised me though: it was packed with prim looking women and their suit-clad dates. The women had perfect hair and tasteful cardigans and silk scarves knotted daintily at their throats. This was not what I was expecting at all.

Maybe I was envious of their perfection but they made me want to be more messy and unruly.

Neko Case is kind of a barely-contained force of nature. She has thoughts and emotions she needs to GET OUT. When she sings these thoughts and emotions are ejected right out of her body. It's powerful and beautiful to see.

Watching her also made me want to be more messy and unruly.

Overall the whole experience made me want to be worse. By worse I mean I want to feel good about dropping balls, doing things wrong, not doing what I'm supposed to do, going out with bed head, basically exploiting my flaws.

I don't want to go overboard and start wearing a hipster homeless-Bjorn-Borg costume or anything. I'm not going to invent new flaws for myself. It's just that being comfortable inhabiting your entire self including the ways you fuck up has to be really powerful.

So I think I'm going to start taking it easy on my rougher edges. Maybe I can talk myself into seeing my failures as successes.

Big Plans For Today (Plus Shoes)

2011-02-02T11:10:00.000-05:00

It's supposed to dump two feet of snow on us today so I plan to shovel, keep the fire going in the fireplace and knit. These are all things I can do with or without power. I'm hoping to do them with power.

Now for the shoes. Irregular Choice keeps adding new ones. I don't know how long they can keep it up. I mean, how many out of control shoes can a company sell at one time? I know I've posted a lot of shoe photos here but I still have not posted all the styles and colors they have. These are from the U.S. site:

Hi plow guy! Thank you!!!

Another Brown Mass

2011-02-01T23:08:00.000-05:00

Hey look everybody! I made another brown mass!

These are the sticky buns that it took me all frigging day to make (not counting making the dough last night) They are tasty but there are eighteen of them (well, seventeen - I'm eating one) and I'm just one gal. Hello neighbors! This time I used 100% new, unexpired ingredients. Not sure how I'm going to store them all but I'll think of something.

Last night I made Cincinnati Chili for dinner. See how happy that oyster cracker is about it? You know, the one kind of towards the middle of the plate with the saucy smile?

It's sacrilegious but I made the chili with vegetarian "crumbles" so as to avoid the beef pool. I try to avoid ground beef unless I know where it came from. I once met a guy who's a muckety muck for the CDC and he said hamburgers are the one thing he doesn't dare eat. Maybe I should be afraid of hot dogs too? And heck, if there's a beef pool there's probably a pork pool and a chicken pool. Yuck. Now I've got to remember whose husband he was and ask her. The chili came out fine though. There are so many spices in it that the meat/meat-like substance is pretty much a vehicle.

Ooh, you know what? I just finished my last bite of sticky bun and it was good. I kind of want another one. But no - I'll wait till tomorrow.

So I have a big day of snow shoveling planned for tomorrow. Very exciting. I tried to do everything that would require electricity today: laundry, using the Kitchen Aid mixer, charging my necessary devices, etc. I'll also be keeping a fire going in the fireplace so the flue doesn't get clogged. Maybe I can knit a lot too tomorrow.

You never know though, the power could stay on. I have to say CVPS, our electric company, does a fantastic job of getting things fixed in a timely fashion. Thanks, CVPS! Keep up the good work!

Goofier Is Better

2011-01-31T17:10:00.000-05:00

Here's another piece I've been cranking on this week. I figured out last night that I wouldn't be able to finish it before Friday's show. No biggie - I have another new piece I haven't photographed. That makes two new pieces plus everything I showed last time. I'm satisfied. I have another show coming up in April (I think - or is it June? I wrote it down somewhere) I can finish this by then.

The canvas that supports this thing has been at least two other things before this. I've been working on this version for at least a year - I don't really remember how long. By "working" I mean doing stuff to it and then leaving it alone for months.

There have definitely been times when I didn't know what to do to it next. This week I figured out that I was being too precious about it. You just have to pick something to do and do it. It doesn't really matter what you do, just decide and that's what it's going to be. I think I was trying to do the perfect thing. How stupid is that? After all, it's a painting of cartoon strawberries getting struck by lightening. What is at risk here?

I used to know better than that. I've got to stop being so dramatic. I know - I'll be goofier!

Sassy!

2011-01-30T18:28:00.006-05:00

This is a new piece I'll be showing this Friday

I make an excellent hermit. I've been hiding out from people all week (maybe longer) and it's done me a world of good.

Here's a MIRACLE: I'm happily working away in my studio. It's been months and months since I've been able to really work there and even longer since I was happy about it. I'd force myself to chip away at things when I could and that was the best I could do.

I know, it's sad. You're supposed to love what you do and making art is supposed to be fun and what's so hard about making dumb junk anyway?

Many of you know the feelings to which I refer. To the rest of you I say: even making poor quality art can be really difficult and demoralizing. Maybe I mean to say that the thought that you might be making poor quality art can be especially difficult and demoralizing.

Now don't get the wrong idea. I'm not saying I make poor quality art - though I highly doubt anything I've made will be setting fire to Art Basel Miami (South by Southwest for the visual arts crowd only with A LOT more money) anytime in the next decade or so.

It's just that most of the time when you're making art you have NO IDEA AT ALL what you're doing or if it will be worth anything when you're done (whenever that is, if ever) When I say "worth anything" I mean the effort before I mean worth money.

Taking the long view, making the effort is worth making the effort. It's hard to maintain the long view day to day. But here I am at the end of my recent forced-making rainbow and I actually do have something to show for all that work I made myself do.

I guess some people have more faith in themselves and are able to be content enjoying their processes and their efforts. Maybe if I continue to meditate I can develop a better attitude.

It probably wouldn't hurt if Life could take it a little easier on me for a little while too. Hi Life! XOXOXO! (Blows a kiss and waves frantically)

Here's something else from my studio: what I like to call companion planting.

While Pete, Fay and I were away for Thanksgiving the studio mice made Thanksgiving with my cyclamen. They crawled into the pot and chewed every succulent stem, every leaf, every tender little growing sprout they could reach. There was one survivor: a large leaf that had been suspended over its cactus neighbors.

So I rounded up the cacti and surrounded the cyclamen pot with them. Then I took some conveniently available baby cacti and put them in pot as well (as you can see) Then I crossed my fingers and hoped that that one surviving leaf could photosynthesize enough to carry the poor cyclamen along for a while.

So far so good - we have new growth. I'll keep my fingers crossed though. That one little leaf peeking out over the rim makes me a little nervous. Mice can be very resourceful when they're hungry.

Finally, here is another wig my mom gave me for my birthday. Thanks Mom!

Please don't yell at me for saying this because it's true: the years are really becoming apparent. I am no longer twenty-eight. Seriously. Even though I think I am.

I did get carded at the grocery store yesterday. I should mark that on my calendar - it may never happen again. I think there was something wrong with that guy. Or maybe he was trying to butter me up.

Credit Where It's Due

2011-01-28T11:03:00.000-05:00

I can't believe that I didn't link to the store where you can get these (and many other) cool wigs. Miss Violet Lace can now be found on ebay.

Should you take the plunge and get yourself (or somebody else) a wig from her, just know that when it arrives it will probably smell deliciously of cupcake or cotton candy. If that is something you appreciate then I suggest you go to her Etsy store and get yourself a bottle or two of her hair and wig perfume.

I have to say that walking around with pink, cupcake scented hair is doing wonders for my disposition.

THANK YOU MISS VIOLET LACE!!!!!!

I Declare

2011-01-27T12:45:00.001-05:00

Under most conditions wigs are better than winter hats.

Why would I say something like that? Well, for one thing, wigs are cute. Unless they're fun or DEADLY SERIOUS. They allow you to have any hair you want. You don't have to take them off once you get indoors and reveal your horrific hat-head. They are also plenty warm for most purposes. I probably wouldn't go for a day of downhill skiing wearing a wig rather than a hat. Mostly I wear hats around the house in the winter because we're cheap and refuse to heat our house properly (unless we're in Cambridge where we have a heat pump and it's impossible to heat the place properly) So why not have a little extra fun and wear a wig instead?

Pete and my mom gave me these wigs for my birthday. Thanks you guys!!!

Color!

2011-01-27T11:28:00.000-05:00

Screenshot:

English Shoes

2011-01-26T13:52:00.001-05:00

Okay, this is it for shoes this week. Below are the amazing constructions you can get on the Irregular Choice website if you live in the U.K. You might be able to get a few of these styles on certain Stateside websites too if you're lucky.

This isn't everything they have that we don't, just a selection.

You can get the pair below on endless.com

The boots below are also available on endless

Are those sneakers out of control or what?

Second To Last Post About Shoes This Week

2011-01-25T21:37:00.000-05:00

I promise. If I have anything else to say about shoes this week (after tomorrow) I'll say it next week. It's just that Irregular Choice is completely blowing me away right now. The joy and imagination on display here is unlike any I've seen. This is a universe that I'd like to live in.

Okay, these are a little scary:

So amazingly red:

Pink pompom fringe!

These are described as metallic blue embossed leather boots

Almost all of these shoes (and the ones from my earlier post) come in at least one other color. Many come in three other colors. Some are on sale.

Today's shoes are all on the U.S. website. The U.K. website has even more complete madness going on. I'll posts a selection of those tomorrow.

Plus One

2011-01-23T12:34:00.000-05:00

Whoops! There were four cakes for my birthday:

I forgot about the caramel cake (the nearest one in the photo)

EMERGENCY SHOE BLOG!!!!!

2011-01-21T14:50:00.001-05:00

Goodbye bank account...

I just stumbled on the Irregular Choice website. These are the tip of the iceberg.

Birthday 2011

2011-01-20T12:18:00.001-05:00

2010 was a difficult year. For the first half I was pretty proud of myself for being able to compartmentalize the bad and the good and still find ways to enjoy myself. Actually, I've been patting myself on the back about that ability for the last three years. Unfortunately that particular emotional resource ran out a little after my dad died. Since then I've had a hard time enjoying anything. That's normal - it happens. As long as I take care of myself I'll get that ability back. I'm not worried, just waiting.

I did enjoy my birthday though, in a low-key way. To celebrate we went to Hotel Del Coronado for New Years Day brunch in the Crown Room. Here's what I wore:

Mom gave me the bag and the shoes for Christmas. You'd have to feel at least a little bit uplifted by that combo, huh? You might recognize the shoes from this post.

Here I am towards the end of the meal. Notice that I have a tiramisu, three chocolate drinks, three little piles of chocolate mousse and a meringue. The food at the brunch is stellar but my absolute favorite thing is that chocolate drink. Maybe next time I'll get five!

After brunch we all walked on the beach. Usually there's a chilly wind blowing on that beach but this day it was just warm and pleasant. They have disco sand there: it glitters with golden mica. So fancy!

Then Pete and I took Fay in her doggie stroller to smell the smellicans (pelican roosts really stink) at the La Jolla Cove.

Fay loves to sniff all the smells. I kept waiting for someone to look into our stroller and say "What a hideous child!" Everybody just thought she was so cute. Well, she is.

When we got back to Mom's house the sun was setting. It was an incredible sunset. Pete and I stayed out on the lawn for about an hour watching it.

It was even beautiful to the east. I had trouble deciding where to look.

I chose to see a phoenix in these clouds because I could use a rebirth.

After the sunset we all had dinner together. Mom delegated the ordering of the cakes to my brother this year. For some reason he ordered three birthday cakes for me. There have to be photos of them somewhere but I don't have them. There was coconut, chocolate with white icing and a fruit tiramisu. Against the odds, the fruit tiramisu was my hands down favorite. I wish I had some right now.

So all in all a very pleasant birthday. Ideal. Comfortable, delicious and spent with my favorite people. Way to start the new year.

Letting The Cat Out

2011-01-19T22:45:00.001-05:00

Pete and I have a number of things that we like to do when we go to La Jolla to visit my family.

The first place we have to go is Mr. Taco. Everybody in the family knows that.

The second place we have to go is Tokyo House in Pacific Beach. Everybody knows this too. What they don't know is that Pete and I have begun to indulge in the beer and sake special: if you order a big beer (22oz. bottle) you get an order of sake with it for a penny. At lunch time. Yes, this is what we like to do.

I looked at a couple of the yelp reviews and some of the unflattering ones do have a point. This place is a little scuzzy. Pete and I like scuzzy (I'm looking at you, Peppermill) The people who work there are really nice and the food is great. The music is unreliable, which is always entertaining. Tokyo House is also a refreshing change of pace from the mostly fancypants stuff we do in California.

After our beers, sakes and makimono we like to go to the fifteen dollar store two doors down. Everything there is fifteen dollars or less. Like these rings. They're all for sale at three dollars apiece.

I went home with the one with red eyes on my middle finger. I probably should have just bought them all so I could wear them all at once, as shown. However, my beer-and-sake-addled head remained cool and I didn't.

Birthday photos tomorrow.

Today's Surliness Brought To You By The Learning Curve

2011-01-18T18:30:00.004-05:00

It took me all day to figure out how to resize this image so I could save it for the web and post it here. A simple photo of a revolting bowl of Count Chocula. Yes, the process was extremely aggravating. It's six PM and I've just figured out how to do it.

This is continuing fallout from the destruction of my laptop (I had to use the word "fallout" - my laptop fell) Yes, I lost some software and some work I'd done with it but nothing very expensive or truly irreplaceable. I lost so many photos that I don't even know how many I lost. Of course most of them were worthless. I can live with those things. They're gone and I can barely remember them.

I have yet to figure out how to get my address book up and running using the backups I made. I may never manage it. There's always Facebook and waiting for people to e-mail me so I can save their contact info again but still it's frustrating. The same is true for my Safari bookmarks - not the most devastating loss either. It's just that I used to have a comfortable system. I had passwords and receipts saved in my old mailboxes. Now I have to hit the "forgot password" link when I want to sign into something unusual. Big deal. Once everything worked smoothly, now it doesn't. Oh well, suck it up and rebuild.

What has probably annoyed me most though is not having Photoshop. I have photos to post up here! Today I downloaded a trial version of Photoshop Elements. Adobe makes everything so much more confusing than necessary. I'm sure I'll spend additional hours searching through the maze of tutorials to find out about stuff I don't want to do and stuff it hasn't occurred to me to do. For today though, I can finally bring you a simple, reasonably-sized photo of a bowl of Count Chocula.

If only I could just be cool about all of this. I know it's going to take a while for me to get back up to speed. I chose to try to learn a new thing (Photoshop Elements) It's computer software - of course it's confusing. I just need to be patient. What happened to all the reading about Zen I just did? Things are new and different and you have to adjust. C'est la vie...

Perhaps tomorrow I can post the photos from my birthday and begin to put this laptop incident behind me.

Now the reason I wanted to post this image in the first place is that today for the first time I found the taste of Count Chocula to be disgusting. I believe this makes me officially mature. It is no longer fun to eat Count Chocula. I hope that the same cannot be said for Lucky Charms.

What Not To Wear Plus

2011-01-16T16:02:00.002-05:00

The other day I watched something like three episodes of "What Not To Wear." I mean, who doesn't love a good makeover?

The next day I got sucked in to shopbop.com. Like a train wreck, I couldn't look away. Everything was on sale: mostly leggings, wrap sweaters and eight inch stiletto open-toe boots. Not practical for my lifestyle.

I think Stacey and Clinton would say NO to these:

Caterpillar legs

Simply ick

I have never understood the appeal of the droopy drawers look

This is pretty I guess but flatters no one

Uh...

These would go well with the sack of denim above

She looks good in this but nobody else would. Also, for hardcore clubbers only.

Very fancy, expensive garbage bag. Hefty Hefty Hefty!

I can't despise this look enough. I can't tell if there's camel toe going on there or if the shorts are just distressed to look like there is. Also, your pockets belong inside your pants.

Just no. Okay, maybe if you're eight years old and you made it yourself.

Here's the "Plus" part I mentioned in the title. This look I like. I'd wear that.

These crack me up. They're the kind of thing that I think is so ridiculous that I try it on and then decide I love them. They're so "Barbarella."

I had a hair stylist once in the late nineties, early aughts who had never seen "Barbarella." I think that's a crime for someone in a style profession. If you haven't seen it either, head over to Netflix immediately. It's very entertaining and it won't hurt your head.

2011-01-10T16:45:00.000-05:00

Fay is really bored. She's walking around the apartment looking for things to knock over and scratch at. She wants me to get my attention so I'll give her food.

I think I might have to start bringing bribes on our walks again. The last two times I've taken her out she just wants to come right back in again. At least she has to walk from the back door to the front door of the apartment building. We go out the back door and it doesn't have a keyhole so we can't get back in that way.

I'm feeling slightly better today. I'm beginning to be able to think a tiny bit. I can't do math yet though.

This is the time of year when people tend to look back at the past and try to take a survey of what's happened. I just turned 45 so I took a glance back over the last five years.

It seems like something happens to people in their forties and they can no longer evade the issues they were able to sidestep or ignore in their younger days. All the shit hits the fan in your forties.

For example the alcoholics go hardcore and really wreak havoc in their lives and the lives of people who love them. Long term couples split up, people start getting serious illnesses. If you have demons you haven't done something about yet they will come and sit on your shoulders and bite you in the face.

Say you're twenty-something and you know you have some kind of problem. You don't know what to do about it and there's a lot going on in your life so you think, "well I'll just look away and maybe it will get better on its own." That's reasonable enough I guess. What else can you do when you don't know what to do?

As you get older the problem persists and through life experience you begin to find out about ways you could address it. You don't want to address it though. It would be a big pain in the ass to address it. You've gone on this long not having to acknowledge the problem. Your life's manageable and you're having a good enough time. Why shake things up?

Well here's why: now you're forty and you realize the damned problem hasn't gone away and it's not going to just go away and it's starting to creep into your daily life and kick the legs right out from under you. It's starting to influence your closest relationships and it's interfering with even your most casual interactions with people. It's standing in front of you and it won't get out of the way. It's in the middle of your kitchen, screaming it's head off and threatening to set fire to your house. If you don't do something it will set fire to your house and you'll be left with nothing.

It's so hard to make changes in life. Hardly anybody can change without absolutely being forced to. I can't. Old habits die really hard. Chances are that whatever you're dealing with you can still get some enjoyment out of your life, there is some comfort. It's scary to even think about making a simple change that seems like it could blow everything up and make everything unfamiliar. Then you'd have no bearings (at first) and where would you be?

Well maybe your kitchen wouldn't be on fire. Or maybe you will have grabbed the matches and burned the place down yourself since you found out it was condemned. At least you wouldn't have some lunatic screaming at you and threatening you anymore.

If you have some kind of issues - and of course everybody does - and you find out something you can do about them try to do it. Read a book on the subject, see a professional, get regular exercise, take up yoga, talk to your friends. Just accepting that you have difficulty with some things is a start.

If there's an alcoholic in your life it really helps to go to Al Anon. Going to an Al Anon meeting isn't really that revolutionary. You can just go and listen. You don't have to change your life at all. Afterwards you will not be required to go home and make demands of your alcoholic significant other. If anyone sees you there well then, you see them too. It's kind of nice to know that you have something in common with that lady you see at the market all the time. Best of all, you find out all the stuff that you don't have to do and you find out that you're not alone. It's really quite a load off.

If you possibly can, it's better to deal with things when you're young and flexible and when it doesn't involve your kids. I you wait till you're forty everything is much harder and more complicated.

Not As Bad As It Sounds (A.k.a, I Surrender!)

2011-01-09T15:47:00.002-05:00

Ugh. I have the flu. I got over my 24-hour virus and flew back from California just fine. The night we got back Pete and I even went out for dinner. The next morning I woke up feeling achy and exhausted. I've been in bed pretty much ever since. Bad news!

I thought it was just that I was tapped out from a grueling holiday season. So much travel and the grieving process. The demise of my computer was a tough blow. I also got dragged in to some drama with a neighbor about something that doesn't involve me at all which was really hard to take. Her timing was putrid.

I've been too tired to think - even to daydream. I sure as hell haven't had any desire to interact with people. I feel pretty burnt. I'm not facebooking or even tweeting. I'm kind of avoiding e-mail too, although nowadays the only e-mail I get is either from Neiman Marcus or about Viagra.

I did want to go to my friend Jill's surprise party last night but I felt too lousy and didn't want to be the Typhoid Mary of the evening. I thought I might be feeling better last night but I woke up feeling crappy again this morning.

I have a very low threshold for bad news and problems these days. I don't want to hear gossip or bad-mouthing. I don't have the patience. So I guess it's just as well that I haven't left the apartment in five days except to walk the dog.

I'd planned to get a lot of my own work done this month. It turns out that "my own work" is recovering from last year. I think I can let go of my hopes to be "productive" because I feel so crappy that I don't have a choice.

So now I'm reading about Zen and therapeutic yoga and playing "Bakery Story" and "City Story" on the iPad. Hell - I'm blogging from the iPad. I hope it works okay since the interface is a little balky.

2011-01-04T13:41:00.001-05:00

We're still in California. We were supposed to go back to Boston yesterday but I came down with a 24 hour bug so we're leaving today instead.

I have to admit that California is growing on me. It used to be that I thought CA was weird and Califonians were nuts.* Now I'm getting used to it. Also, the thought of leaving this incredible weather is daunting. I drifted off to sleep last night thinking abut long underwear and down jackets.

My birthday was a few days ago. I had a really nice day and I'll blog about it once I have Photoshop re-installed on my new hand-me-down computer (I have my dad's old laptop - to go with his iPad)

Good luck to all of us in the new year!

*Not anyone I know personally of course.

What A Bad Girl Looks Like

2010-12-30T14:37:00.000-05:00

She is very bad. She doesn't care at all that we're in California. She wants her breakfast at 4:30 eastern time. Then she wants more food at half hour intervals after that. She's noisy and determined. I had to shut her in the bathroom with her kong full of peanut butter last night. Even then she was pawing at the door complaining. Trouble maker!

Black Cloud

2010-12-28T14:45:00.000-05:00

Not happy. My computer fell off the table where it was charging and died. We're traveling so I don't have access to my backup hard drives. Also, my iPad was plugged into the computer when it fell so the iPad is compromised too.

That is the tip of the iceberg though.

The first Christmas without Dad is being more challenging than I though it would be (for me at least) so I'm in a crappy mood to begin with.

Hey - at least the weather's nice, the company's good, The food is good, Fay is healthy, I have a home to go back to, I have back ups for most of my files, my novel is safe and overall I'm in good shape.

There's light around the edge of this black cloud. Now I need a good wind to blow the damned thing away.

I Could Pace Myself...

2010-12-20T11:57:00.001-05:00

but why? It's not NaBloPoMo.

Evidence of more half-assery:

This is what you get when you cut up marshmallows and put them in your brownie batter. Looks intriguing, no? I assume it would taste a lot better if the marshmallows aren't stale, the canola oil isn't rancid and the brownie mix hadn't expired in 2008. Yes, I did that too.

Our fake tree. If you look closely you can see that it has both pine and fir branches. We've had this tree for years but I just noticed that this year.

Left-over pancake! An underused culinary option in the age of microwave ovens. This one is left over neeps and tatties with skirlie and a side of kale. Of course it is. There's some kind of meat stew mixed in the pancake too.

Craft Hubris

2010-12-19T16:37:00.002-05:00

This blog should really be called "I Half-ass My Way Through Things, Seeing What I Can Get Away With Without Doing Anything Properly"

I just spent a fun couple of hours completely failing to make a pillowcase. It really was fun - I learned a lot. I didn't wreck anything either because I used material from a filthy old sheet as a tester. That was probably the smartest thing I've done all day. My first pillowcase came out so wrong that I'm definitely going to make another one out of more filthy sheet until I get the measurements and technique right.

I may also need to find a new sewing machine. Wouldn't that be nice? Maybe a fancy overlock machine.

I have craft hubris. I think I can make anything easily. It cracks me up to find out how wrong I am. I sure have fun trying though.

I told my friend I'd knit her two pillows. We picked out the yarn and a fabric backing and I knit the yarn part. Now I find out that I need to back the knitted part with fabric to help it keep its shape. I also want the pillow to be removable so that she can wash the case if she needs to. That's the tricky part. Instead of just sewing up a rectangle of fabric and sewing the knit part to the front of it, I'm sewing an envelope out of two different fabrics (one fancy, one plain) with velcro closure. I'm sure I'm also over-thinking and over seaming. I got really into the preliminary seam ironing too. I love ironing - it's so peaceful.

In the end I came up with a design I liked but it didn't fit the pillow at all. Now I have to re-measure and try again. I'm sure I'll manage eventually.

I don't really know how to sew. I learned how to use a sewing machine in high school when I volunteered in the costume workshop. I made a yolked button-down shirt for one of the boys in "Our Town." Classic. That's all I made. One shirt, twenty-seven years ago. Still, I consider myself comfortable with a sewing machine. See - hubris. I should definitely invest in an overlock machine.

More Shoes

2010-12-15T17:43:00.000-05:00

I know, I know - but look how cute they are! From Mod Cloth.

More Coveting

2010-12-12T12:21:00.001-05:00

Don't you think these boots would go GREAT with that red wig?

And while I'm at it, how about these boots?

All from John Fluevog.

P.S., the weather outside is frightful. Just the way I like it.

RED!

2010-12-11T13:03:00.000-05:00

I don't know why but I'm all about RED these days. It started before the holidays so it's not just some Christmas thing. RED RED RED RED RED!!!!!

Michaela sent me this picture of a wig you can get on etsy.com:

so naturally I went to their etsy shop. Which wig don't I want? I have something like seven wigs favorited right now. I kind of feel like wigs are as good as knit hats in the winter time and if you wear a wig and a hat you're extra warm, right? I always wear a hat indoors this time of year (since it's buttass cold) so these would be practical.

On top of really making me want to buy things, looking at etsy really makes me want to go make things. Usually I want to go make the things that would distract me from the things it's more important to make though. Eh, what are you going to do? Make everything and not worry about it? How many hours are there in a day?

Rampaging

2010-12-05T19:49:00.001-05:00

I'm thinking I do better when I'm thwarted. When things start going my way I get all big headed. I think "At last, The Universe is on my team! Everything's going to go great now!" Then I start pontificating and condescending and acting all giddy and more foolish than usual. Later I get home and realize what a dolt I've been and I feel so embarrassed. As you can tell, I've done this more than once. I should be grateful for the indifference life usually dishes out. I can't seem to control my unmerited self-confidence when things seem sunny.

Speaking of lack of control, I have become obsessed with lipstick. I picked up this boxed set at Anthropologie the other day:

I've tried all three tubes. They are the finest lipsticks I've ever worn. The colors are beautiful and flattering and they feel luxurious on - very hydrating, not sticky or waxy - and they are without odor or flavor. They were sheerer than they looked in the tube which works for me. These are colors I can put on without having to look in the mirror and yet they still have impact.

Once I'd tried them all I immediately googled "Lipstick Queen." It's Poppy King's new lipstick company. Maybe you remember her perfect matte lipsticks from back in the 90's? Maybe not. I'm just the kind of person who remembers stuff like that.

Here's a link to the website. I want to try the "Black Tie Optional" and something from the Sinner line.

As for the Kate Spade red lipstick I mentioned earlier, it turns out you can buy it on line. It's under "fragrance" (and yet it too has no fragrance or flavor)

Finally, I bought a Santa hat for Fay. Yes, I'm one of those people now. Somehow I managed to pass up the banana split dog costume they were selling at Target this Halloween (the one that's all over youtube) but the Petco Santa hat got me (after all these years!)

Maybe I'll change the photos over there on the right to something more seasonal. They've been up there since 2007.

It's funny, I just typed in the title of this post and it made me think if the times I've claimed to be on a rampage. Usually that involves something like eating popcorn and Nutella or tidying the house or (God help me) staying in bed longer than usual. These are not rampages. Rampages involve violent uncontrollable behavior. When I think about it, the things I consider "out of control" for me are ridiculous. I'm not sure I've ever really been out of control (on my own initiative) in my life. I feel like I'm missing out. But then I think of the people I know who really are out of control. It's pretty much been fatal for them. Is there such thing as being a little bit out of control for a little while?

Life Is One Big Ball Pit - Especially When You're Juvenile Like Me

2010-12-04T00:44:00.000-05:00

I was looking at what I'd written under the "monsters" category. The older stuff is a little bit interesting. I really hope I can make a comeback here sometime soon. That would require me to have some time to think and maybe the holiday season isn't the best hope for that.

Clearly I need to make some lifestyle changes.

Another thing I was thinking about today was, well, I always think everybody else is doing better than I am. I think everybody else is better at managing their time and being a grown up and dealing with life's details than I am. It dawned on me today that that may not be true.

Everybody else just deals differently than me. Plenty of people out there are dropping balls all the time. I just don't see it. The streets are awash with dropped balls and they're not all mine. There are tons of things I'm terrible about. There are all kinds of people who are better about them than I am. But there are probably other things that I'm better about than they are too.

Wow, what am I, fourteen?

Maybe I should get back into reading the "New Yorker" more again. At least the comics.

Post/Note/Hope

2010-11-30T13:32:00.000-05:00

On this, the last day of NaBloPoMo 2010, wouldn't it be great if I wrote something thoughtful and insightful? Yes it would. This isn't that post though. Maybe later if we're all lucky.

So far today has been completely ordinary (except that Pete got up before I did - that's unusual) and I'm feeling hard pressed to think of a subject to write about at all.

Speaking of writing, I really enjoyed NaNoWriMo. I hope that I can keep up the writing habit. I don't know if I have two hours every day to commit to writing though. Hopefully I can swing one hour.

I'm not sure that the writing habits I got into this month were the best for me. I know I did a lot of padding (you know- used a lot of words I knew I didn't need) in my attempt to reach the 50,000 word mark. I guess I usually edit myself more as I go when I write.

Well this is working a different way and it's important to try new things. Now I can try editing myself afterwards. Maybe I'll do a better job now that those thoughts have been floating around in my head for a month.

Anyway, I probably only got into the "edit as you go" thing because I'd put off my assignment till the last minute and didn't have time to edit later. Not the greatest way to get into a lifelong habit. Yup, it's important to try new things.

I don't know if I'll try to do both NaBloPoMo and NaNoWriMo at the same time again. I think the blog suffered. It got less time, attention and thought than it normally would in November. I hope I haven't alienated anyone with my uninspired posts this month. If I have they probably aren't reading my apology right now, huh?

Okay, I'll knock off the rambling and move on with my day now. Thanks for your patience, assuming you're still reading,
xoxo,
Mel

P.S. Now I'm really excited to take my novel into my studio and move it into it's next incarnations: comic books, videos, paintings and sculptures. Even farther into the future I hope, a video game.

Mwwwaah Ha Ha Ha Ha Haaaaaa!

2010-11-29T12:16:00.000-05:00

Home Stretches

2010-11-29T09:26:00.000-05:00

In 1579 words I'll have hit the 50,000 mark. I can do it before noon. Then I hope I can get on to the NaNoWriMo web page, get my numbers validated and buy myself a NaNoWriMo Winner t-shirt - and underpants, socks, hankie, hat, toaster etc.

I'm a tiny bit concerned that once I've finished writing the first draft of the novel before the end of the month I'll forget that it's still NaBloPoMo and I'll blow it on the last day. AAAAAAAAA!

Fingers crossed that that won't happen.

Elastic Cords

2010-11-28T14:04:00.000-05:00

I have this probably erroneous belief that I will see the people I've met in my life again.

You know, people come and go in your life. You meet each other, you like each other (hopefully), you separate, you meet up again. Always. As if everyone is attached to each other with elastic cords and we bounce apart and bounce together again and the cords never break.

I fully expect to see everyone I was in kindergarden with again at any time - even the people I didn't like or who didn't like me.

I sincerely hope this is true. It hasn't yet been proven false. I can keep hoping it's true till the day I die.

Thanksgiving Round Up

2010-11-27T23:17:00.002-05:00

I would say that the first major holiday after my dad's death went pretty well.

It started off a little slow with me and Mom striking out for the mall right away. Our hearts weren't really in it. We did find a couple of cute things to buy. I got a red lipstick and Mom got a fun scarf. We had the most fun at the Kate Spade store. (That's where my lipstick is from. Looks like you can't get it on line though) Lots of fun shapes and colors there. But we weren't really in a shopping mood. It kind of felt like our usual lunch wasn't as fun either even though we got popovers.

When we got back from shopping, Mom, Pete and I went and picked up Pete's brother, Marc at the airport. Things perked up after that. We got to show him the things we like about town. For instance we had dinner at the Whaling Bar.

While we were there my brother and Sarah arrived from L.A.. Once we were all together, including the dogs, we all kind of loosened up and relaxed.

It ended up being a pretty jolly and low key Thanksgiving. The food was great, there was no strife of any kind (well, Fay tried to beat up her doggie cousins - I'd count that as strife) Okay, no human strife. A good time was had by all. Hooray!

Fried Eggs

2010-11-26T13:15:00.000-05:00

Jose Andres ruined me for regular fried eggs. A few years ago I picked up his cookbook, "Tapas: A Taste of Spain in America." The photos caught my eye and I read the recipes and saw that they were easy to make. There are a number of recipes in there that I make all the time, like the spinach and chickpea stew. I bought the book when I was vegetarian so there are a lot of good veg recipes or recipes that you can easily make veg.

But I mentioned the fried eggs. He shows a technique where you use a fairly high heat, a lot of olive oil and tilt the pan so the hot oil pools and you almost deep fry your egg in a regular frying pan. If you do this your egg comes out rounded, crispy and browned on the outside but still has a runny yolk (if you like it that way - you can always cook it longer) Since I'm uncoordinated I couldn't figure out how to tip the pan with one hand and get the egg in there with the other. You're also supposed to spoon the hot oil on top of the egg while it's cooking. I'm way too uncoordinated to do that. I just fry the eggs flat in the pan with a lot of olive oil and flip them. It still works. I'm now addicted to crispy fried eggs. Regular fried eggs are disappointing. Boo-hoo!

Bottom line, I highly recommend this cook book. It has definitely added new techniques and ingredients to my cooking arsenal without a lot of labor and sweat.

Maybe This Is How Fay Feels

2010-11-25T12:50:00.000-05:00

I can't believe how hungry I am today. You might think, "Well how convenient! It is Thanksgiving, after all." Well it isn't Thanksgiving yet. Not here. I'm in California and it's only 9:30 AM here.

When I got up at 6:30 local time I had a piece of whole wheat toast with some swiss cheese meted on top. A little later I had some left over steak. I also had a cup of coffee, a glass of water and a few spoonfuls of yogurt.

I've been doing a little cooking and writing in the mean time so time has passed. I got hungry again so I looked at my watch to see if that was reasonable. My watch said 12:00. "Yes!" I thought, "I can make lunch. I'll have a salad." I got out the salad fixin's and started a-making. Then I glanced at the clock over by the sink. It said 9:00. :( I remembered that I didn't reset my watch so I could easily tell what time Fay thinks it is.

I'm eating a damned salad while I type this.